Wikipedia:Peer review/Bad Romance/archive2

Bad Romance
This peer review discussion has been closed. I'm planning to nominate the article for FAC in the next month. The previous PR did not yield satisfactory results according to my concerns, hence this time, I request opinions as to what can cause it to fail at FAC, what improvements in terms of language and everything can be done, so that the article passes FAC without much concern.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, — Legolas ( talk 2 me ) 09:41, 24 November 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: I'll give it a try. Mainly I've focused on the prose and on Manual of Style issues. I made some minor edits, and here are further suggestions:

Lead
 * "After the demo version of the song leaked, Gaga premiered the song at Alexander McQueen's Spring/Summer 2010 show in the Paris Fashion Week, on October 6, 2009, followed by the release of the cover art." - Maybe this would be better: "After the demo version of the song was leaked, Gaga premiered the finished version at Alexander McQueen's Spring/Summer 2010 show in the Paris Fashion Week, on October 6, 2009. The cover art was released on October 19."


 * Why was something that was called a Spring/Summer show held in October?


 * Is the front slash in Alexander McQueen's Spring/Summer 2010 show part of a formal name, or is this a general description? If it's a general description, it might be more clear to just say Alexander McQueen's 2010 show.


 * "It has elements of the music from the 80's and the 90's... " - For clarity, I would use "... from the 1980s and 1990s" since all centuries have '80s and '90s.


 * "Critics gave positive reviews of the song, with the majority of them comparing it to Gaga's second single, "Poker Face" (2008)." - "With" is a weak connector when used in this way. Suggestion: "The majority of critics praised the song, comparing it to Gaga's second single, "Poker Face" (2008)."

Background
 * "Before its official release, a demo version of the song leaked on the internet... " - Maybe "was leaked"? Or, since "leaked" is slang, maybe "... a demo version of the song was published illegally on the internet"? It would be even better if you could say who published the demo on the internet. Maybe it wasn't illegal. Maybe it was a bit of purposeful marketing. I know little about how the music business works, so I'm just guessing.


 * ""Bad Romance" premiered during the finale of fashion designer Alexander McQueen's Spring/Summer 2010 Paris Fashion Week show, followed by the official album version being released on October 19, 2009." - Too many modifiers precede "show", and there seems to be a disjuncture between spring, summer, and October 19.

Composition
 * "At About.com, Bill Lamb writes that the music is best suited for viewing fashion designs and on the runway." - It's not clear what this means. For one thing, "runway" should be linked or briefly explained. For another, it might be more accurate to say that the music, according to Lamb, is best suited for playing at fashion designs and on the runway.


 * "The lyrics in general address exploring the different aspects of being in a bad relationship, but this idea changes during the intermediate verse, when the lyrics talk about fashion." - Tighten to "The lyrics address aspects of a bad relationship but also discuss fashion"?


 * Would it be good to include a line or two of lyrics that discuss fashion?

Critical reception
 * "If you had any fears that Gaga would be one album flash in the pan... " - Missing word, "a one album flash in the pan" maybe?

Concept
 * "and then sell her off to the Russian Mafia for 1 000 000 Russian rubles" - Maybe "one million" rather than "1 000 000"?


 * This section is only lightly sourced. Can you supply a source or sources for the rest of the information?


 * Citation 59 should include information about the language since it is not English.


 * The caption for the image in this section says, "Gaga lying on a bed beside the burnt skeleton of her customer. She wears a pyrotechnic bra and smokes a cigarette." It's important to maintain a clear distinction between reality and fiction. Maybe something like this would be better: "Gaga lies in bed beside the burnt skeleton of her fictitious customer. She wears a pyrotechnic bra and smokes a cigarette."


 * The image description page for File:GagaBadRomancevideo.jpg says, "Gaga lying beside the burnt skeleton of the man she killed, wearing a pyrotechninc bra." To keep readers from taking this literally, I think you need to revise this to say something like "Gaga, playing herself in a video, lies beside the burnt skeleton of a fictitious man she killed while wearing a pyrotechnic bra." Or something like that.

Live performances
 * "The performance had her singing inside a four meter long bath tub... " - Convert to imperial units here too; i.e. "... singing inside a bathtub 4 m long"?


 * "She performed the song in an '80s-inspired... " - Maybe "1980s-inspired" would be more clear. Not repeating "performance" again in this sentence would be good. In fact, it would be good to find other words for performance to give more variety to this section. "Performance" or some variation on it occurs 10 times in this paragraph.


 * "The performance was done while standing in a human sized gyroscope." - The performance didn't stand on the gyroscope. Suggestion: "During the performance, she stood inside a large gyroscope."


 * When glee club New Directions member Rachel Berry discovers that rival glee club Vocal Adrenaline are planning on performing a Lady Gaga number at Regionals, the character Will (Matthew Morrison) sets the club a Gaga assignment. The girls and Kurt then create costumes inspired by Gaga and perform "Bad Romance". - I think you are referring here to another fiction. If so, would this be more clear? "When Rachel Berry, a member of a fictitious glee club called New Directions, discovers that rival glee club Vocal Adrenaline plans to perform a Lady Gaga number at Regionals, a character named Will (played by Matthew Morrison) sets the club a Gaga assignment. New Directions and a character named Kurt then create costumes inspired by Gaga and perform "Bad Romance".

References
 * Citation 55 includes a date with one too many numbers (111).
 * Citation 56 has a date with en dashes that should be hyphens.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 06:35, 5 December 2010 (UTC)