Wikipedia:Peer review/Bad Romance/archive3

Bad Romance
This peer review discussion has been closed. Since the article's main contributor is no longer active, I plan on nominating the article to FA status. Some feedback on its current state and some points on how to improve it would be very appreciated.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks —DAP388 (talk) 03:21, 12 July 2012 (UTC)

Comments:


 * "sung lyrics that concern the situation of being in love with one's best friend" can be more concisely put as "sung lyrics about being in love with one's best friend"


 * "The song, containing elements of the music from the 1980s and the 1990s and influences of German house-techno music, has been described by Gaga as a pop experimental record.": Remove "the" from "the music". Also, we're describing a song, not a record, no? Perhaps it should be a "pop experimental track" or some other synonym for "song".


 * " the song has sold 9.7 million copies worldwide in 2010": Remove "has"


 * " ninth best song": "ninth-best song" (compound adjective)


 * "eventually winning seven of those": Remove "eventually"


 * "during which, she performed it": No comma needed here.


 * " followed by the song being released" --> " followed by the song's release" is better.


 * "The songs composed during that time are about the various": Recommend "were" instead of "are" here.


 * "Hence "Bad Romance" was the song that detailed whether she preferred such lonely relationships, or it was her wrong choice in men" is slightly awkward. I'd recommend something like ""Bad Romance" explored her preference for such lonely relationships and her poor choice in men"


 * "Gaga further detailed her inspiration": "Gaga discussed her inspiration further:" is better.


 * "praised the cover art saying,": Comma needed after "art"


 * " at Amsterdam" --> "in Amsterdam"


 * "the sound of drum beats and the sound of keyboards" --> "the sound of drum beats and keyboards"


 * "The Chorus hook have a similarity to the intro of The Offspring's song" --> "The chorus is similar to the intro ..." etc. is better.


 * "Bill Lamb writes that the music is well suited for playing at fashion designer": Put this in the past tense: "Bill Lamb wrote" and "was well suited"


 * "Sal Cinquemani of Slant Magazine said that the music consists": "consisted"


 * "a number of endless hooks" doesn't quite parse. How are the hooks "endless"? The song has an ending, no?


 * "Simon Price from The Independent felt that the chorus has influences of the music of Boney M": "chorus was influenced by the music ..." etc.


 * ""Bad Romance" received critical acclaim from critics" is redundant. Suggest: ""Bad Romance" received acclaim from critics"


 * "Gil Kaufman from MTV described the": I think we need to say "wrote that the" instead of "described the" (grammar)


 * "Michael Hubbard from MusicOMH felt that the chorus of the song is Gaga's best yet": "was", not "is".


 * "Paul Lester stated the song as "cheesy"": "described", not "stated".


 * "highest debuting song on the chart until then": "at that point" or "up to that point" instead of "until then"


 * "The movement was spurred by 49 percent digital gain, thus pushing the song to the top of the Hot Digital Songs chart selling 209,000 copies": This has some grammatical flaws. First, what does "digital gain" mean? A 49% rise in digital sales? And: "Hot Digital Songs chart, with 209,000 copies sold" is better.


 * "second highest peaking song": "second-highest" takes a hyphen (compound adjective)


 * "for shipment of a four million copies of the single": I'm not sure what this means. Are we saying 4 million copies were shipped? To whom? Does this not count digital sales?


 * "As of June 2012, "Bad Romance" has sold 5.2 million paid digital": I think "had sold" is better here (grammar).


 * "As of January 2011, Bad Romance has now sold": "had sold" instead of "has now sold". In this sentence, the period should come before the inline citation.


 * "debuted at number three and after two weeks, reached": No comma needed.


 * I'm not sure what this means: "(to be on top 50 for 65 weeks from late 2009 to early 2011)". Are we talking about Finland or the other countries? I recommend removal, perhaps. Also you need a "the" before "top" I think.


 * "the song has sold 9.7 million copies": Remove "has"


 * "a joint collaboration": Remove "joint" (redundant)


 * "activating fluorescent lighting, that shines through": No comma needed.


 * "After the video's release, the response": Remove "After the video's release" (critics couldn't respond to the video before its release)


 * There's a citation needed tag at the end of the Live performances section.


 * "the lead singer from the band Paramore": comma after "Paramore"


 * The article looks good, generally. It's pretty complete and comprehensive and is well-cited for the most part. The main issue, I think, is the quality of the prose. It's not bad, but it could use some improvement along the lines of the points raised above. Best of luck with it.