Wikipedia:Peer review/Benjamin Morrell/archive1

===Benjamin Morrell===


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it's time this old rogue saw the light of day. Observations keenly awaited on sources, images, prose, punctuation – anything that can add to and improve the article, a labour of love if ever there was one.

Thanks, Brianboulton (talk) 19:36, 28 February 2009 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Benjamin Morrell/archive1.

Comments by Sarcasticidealist
I'm afraid that my "peer review" of this article is likely to take the form of a hodgepodge of hit and run comments, rather than of a coherent review. That said...
 * The wikilink to Mozambique in the lead goes to the article about the modern state, which didn't exist at the time of Morrell's death. Would something from Mozambique (disambiguation) be a more suitable target?
 * A piped link to Portuguese East Africa seems to be the best option. Brianboulton (talk) 22:07, 1 March 2009 (UTC)
 * In mimicking a flaw in my own writing (of which you're well aware), there are some sections that make excessive use of semi-colons.
 * Well, you should know...:) I'll check them out. Brianboulton (talk) 22:07, 1 March 2009 (UTC)

More later. Sarcasticidealist (talk) 17:55, 1 March 2009 (UTC) More later. Sarcasticidealist (talk) 06:13, 3 March 2009 (UTC)
 * "After release Morrell continued his seafaring career..." I'm wavering on whether "After release" is suitable wording. "After his release" or "After being released" both seem more natural to me, but it's possibly still correct to use "release" without a pronoun.  In any event, I'd recommend a change.
 * I've added the pronoun Brianboulton (talk) 00:51, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * The use of direct quotes strikes me as excessive. Many of them do not seem to add anything (examples: "heard much of these islands", "the wind soon freshened to an eleven-knot breeze and we embraced this opportunity of making to the west", "should not be rejected until absolutely disproved", etc.).  I'd suggest reducing them by about half, and engaging in more paraphrasing.
 * Good point. I will look into this. Brianboulton (talk) 00:51, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * I'm not sure what the standard is on articles about explorers - you'd know better than I would - but as somebody generally unfamiliar with the subject matter I find the repeated use of geographical coordinates somewhat irritating. Since they don't mean anything to me without a map handy to consult, they do little for my experience but break the article's flow.  This may not be true of readers more familiar with such things.
 * It would need a large-scale world map to illustrate all Morrell's geographical positions, and that's not feasible within the article. Coordinates are necessary, in exploration articles, especially to indicate positions that are not otherwise identifiable, like points in the sea for example. I don't think much can be done about this, but I'll check to see whether I've overdone it. Brianboulton (talk) 00:51, 4 March 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is another excellent article, well-supported and well-illustrated. I have a few suggestions for improvement, almost all of them minor.

Images
 * The images are generally handsome and informative, and I see no problems with the licenses.

Infobox
 * Is "Benjamin Morrell Snr" OK? I would have guessed "Benjamin Morrell, Sr.", but that may be a modern variant not favored at the time.
 * I'm sure "Sr" is correct & have changed

Lead
 * Perhaps it would be better to link "sealing" captain in the first sentence rather than "sealer" a bit further down. I had to stop for a second to think about what "sealing" meant, running through and rejecting "envelope sealing" and other absurd things that sprang to my mind.
 * Agreed and done


 * "His subsequent three voyages, in different ships, were less contentious, although his descriptions of various incidents have been dismissed as fanciful or absurd". - I don't want to go on about commas much because to some extent they are a matter of personal taste, but I think the prose would flow a little better here without the commas around "in three different ships".
 * In this particular case I am inclined to keep the commas. I tried the sentence without them and it didn't sound right.


 * "His contemporaries were less generous to him; his attempts to continue his career after the publication of his book were hampered by his reputation for untruth, and he found it increasingly difficult to obtain employment." - Perhaps flipping the middle section to active voice would be slightly better: "... his reputation for untruth hampered his attempts to continue his career after the publication of his book... ".
 * Agreed and done

Early life and career
 * "since his lack of schooling prevented him from becoming an officer" - At this point I found myself wondering what sort of ships he had been on when captured by the British. I assume he was not on warships but on private vessels. It might be good to make explicit the difference between "officer" in the military sense and "officer" in a more general sense. I also wondered what kind of schooling was meant. What would he have to know to be an officer, and how would such an officer be certified? Was it only "navigation"? Would a link to navigator be useful here?
 * I've made it clearer that he served in merchant ships. In the slightly rewritten context, which is closely based on what's in the sources, I think it is now clear that "officer" refers to the officers of the merchant service.
 * Agreed, much more clear. I like the detail about the "cargo of flour". Finetooth (talk) 22:12, 4 March 2009 (UTC)


 * "finally extricating Wasp from a dangerous situation when it became trapped in the ice" - Delete "from a dangerous situation" since "trapped in ice" makes the danger clear?
 * Agreed and done


 * "The two ships were jointly commissioned to return to the South Seas, for sealing, trading and exploration, and 'to ascertain the practicality, under favourable circumstances, of penetrating to the South Pole'. " - Delete the commas around "for sealing, trading and exploration" for better flow?
 * Agree the comma after "South Seas" should go, but the sentence reads better to me if the one after "exploration" is retained.

Antarctic waters
 * "James Lindsay and Thomas Hopper reached it and recorded its correct position, though no landing was made" - Flip the last phrase to active: "though they made no landing"?
 * Agreed and done


 * "in the words of historian William Mills[10]—before landing and hunting seals there" - Shouldn't the [10] come after the em dash?
 * Since an mdash is a form of punctuation, I suppose it should. Done.


 * "The island's most obvious physical feature (it is permanently covered by ice) is not mentioned by Morrell in his subsequent lengthy description." - Perhaps this could be flipped to active voice and made to eliminate the parenthetical. Suggestion: "In his subsequent lengthy description, Morrell does not mention the island's most obvious physical feature, its permanent ice cover."
 * Agreed and done


 * "could have been made so quickly in ice-infested waters" - "Ice-infested" might not be quite right. How about "ice-clogged"?
 * I have reworded this bit. I have used the phrase "ice-strewn" instead of "ice-infested" and have added something about sailing against the prevailing winds.


 * "before turning north for lack of fuel (for the ship's stoves) on 14 March" - Delete the parentheses?
 * Agreed and done

New South Greenland
 * "During the next few days, Morrell recounts, Wasp explored more than 300 miles (480 km) of coast, with Morrell providing vivid descriptions of its features and its abundant wildlife." - This sentence has one of those dreaded "with plus -ing" constructions that have been pounced on lately at FAC.
 * Reworded


 * "Assuming that the land was not an invention of Morrell's" - Maybe "assuming that Morrell did not invent the land"?
 * Agreed and done

Pacific and home
 * "The remaining stages of the voyage are uncontroversial, involving a year-long cruise in the Pacific Ocean which took Wasp to the Galapagos Islands and also to the Juan Fernàndez Islands where, a century previously, the Scottish seaman Alexander Selkirk had been marooned, providing the inspiration for the Robinson Crusoe story." - Too complex. Maybe: "The remaining stages of the voyage are uncontroversial, involving a year-long cruise in the Pacific Ocean. This took Wasp to the Galapagos Islands and also to the Juan Fernàndez Islands where, a century earlier, the Scottish seaman Alexander Selkirk had been marooned, providing the inspiration for the Robinson Crusoe story."
 * Agreed and done

''Second voyage: North and South Pacific"
 * "During the course of the following two years" - Perhaps "During the next two years"?
 * "In the next two years..." (I tend to overuse "during")

Third voyage: West African coast
 * "Messrs Christian Berg & Co" - Should this be "Messrs. Christian Berg & Co." with periods after the abbreviations?
 * Agreed and done


 * "At Ichaboe Island he discovered huge deposits of guano" - Wikilink "guano"?
 * Linked


 * "he witnessed what he describes as 'horrid barbarity', including the spectacle of two females in their death agonies"- "Females" is probably his word, but it carries with it a dismissive attitude. "Women", fully human, might be better.
 * It was Morrell's word, but you are right. I have altered accordingly

Fourth voyage: South Seas and Pacific Ocean
 * "with the inhabitants of various islands in the archipelago now known as Micronesia" - Delete "various"?
 * Deleted


 * "as had a cousin of Morrell's and her husband" - Double possessive. Perhaps "as had one of Morrell's cousins and her husband"?
 * Agreed and done

Later life, death, and commemoration
 * "Morrell applied for a place on a French expedition to the Weddell Sea, led by Jules Dumont D'Urville," - Perhaps slightly better would be "Morrell applied for a place on a French expedition, led by Jules Dumont D'Urville, to the Weddell Sea... ".
 * Agreed and done

Assessment
 * "His frequent errors of position may have been due to his lacking a chronometer... " Maybe "His lack of a chronometer may have contributed to his frequent errors of position... ". Also, wikilink "chronometer"?
 * Agreed, done and linked


 * "destitute of the various nautical and mathematical instruments"[68]—but Gould rejects this explanation." - [68] after em dash?
 * I got rid of the mdashes - they're becoming a habit. I have also added a summary of why Gould rejects this explanation.


 * "that he has incorporated the experiences of others into his account" - Delete "has"?
 * Agreed and done

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful in what I assume is preparation for FAC. Finetooth (talk) 01:22, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * As always uour review has been conscientious, thorough and helpful. As you will see, the majority of your points have been incorporated into the article which is all the better for it. Thank you indeed. Brianboulton (talk) 21:34, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * You are most welcome. Everything looks fine. Please let me know when it goes to FAC. Finetooth (talk) 22:12, 4 March 2009 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments I agree that this is excellent, and have little to add beyond the other reviewers' comments. Here are a few comments / questions I had.
 * I would put House Document 105, 23rd Congress, Second Session 1835 in an inline citation (unless it is officially part of the title?)
 * Done


 * The current black and white image of Bouvet Island in the article doesn't do much for me - File:Bouvet island 0.jpg is a hand-colored photo from the same expedition / year (perhaps even the same photo?) and looks much better to me. It is already used in New South Greenland
 * I had actually forgotten I had used the earlier map, which is I agree much nicer. It is now in place.


 * I am certainly biased about using it, but would it make sense to add File:New South Greenland Map.png on the right side in that section of the article? It would extend down into the "Pacific and home" section and perhaps below.
 * I had thought about using your excellent New South Greenland map again, but I am anxious to put some distance between the Benjamin Morrell article and its close relative, New South Greenland. I think including the NSG map as well as your (equally excellent) Antarctic voyage map, would be overemphasising the NSG episode in Morrell's life. So I've decided not to use the earlier map. The Antarctic section of the Morrell article carries a "Main article" link to New South Greenland, for those anxious to learn more.
 * Seems reasonable to me Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 12:39, 7 March 2009 (UTC)


 * Would it be clearer to say more about whose suggestion it is (that the book is ghost written) in The book draws on Morrells's journals, but there is a suggestion that the text was ghost-written for him.[59]?
 * Yes. Information added

Hope this helps and let me know when this is at FAC. Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 02:42, 4 March 2009 (UTC)
 * Thank you for your comments, and your irreplaceable help with mapping problems. I'll keep you posted as to the article's future. Brianboulton (talk) 21:46, 4 March 2009 (UTC)