Wikipedia:Peer review/Billy Strachan/archive1

Billy Strachan


This is the first time submitting an article for peer review.

This article is an example of my best work as a wikipedia editor. Any help for how my article could possible be improved will be greatly appreciated.

Thankyou and hope to hear back soon, The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 21:00, 22 April 2023 (UTC)

Comments from Z1720
Comments after a quick skim:


 * Second paragraph in Education needs a citation.
 * "He felt unwell on his last operation on 14 April 1945, jettisoning his bombs over the North Sea and returning to base." Needs a citation
 * Move the death information into "Later life"; since there is a lot of information about his legacy, this can be its own section.
 * "Comments on his life" I don't think it section is necessary and relies too much on quotes. Instead, incorporate this section into other parts or remove it.
 * "STRACHAN, WILLIAM ARTHUR WATKIN (ORAL HISTORY)"." Should not be in all caps per MOS:ALLCAPS
 * The article relies upon one source. I suggest looking for other sources in WP:LIBRARY, Google Scholar and archive.org.

I hope this helps. Z1720 (talk) 17:37, 29 April 2023 (UTC)


 * Dear @z1720, I've gone through all your feedback which has helped me slightly improve the article.


 * Second paragraph in Education needs a citation. Done
 * "He felt unwell on his last operation on 14 April 1945, jettisoning his bombs over the North Sea and returning to base." Needs a citation Sentence deleted, refers to actions described later in article
 * Move the death information into "Later life"; since there is a lot of information about his legacy, this can be its own section. Done
 * "Comments on his life" I don't think it section is necessary and relies too much on quotes. Instead, incorporate this section into other parts or remove it. I don't 100% agree, but perhaps at a later date
 * "STRACHAN, WILLIAM ARTHUR WATKIN (ORAL HISTORY)"." Should not be in all caps per MOS:ALLCAPS Done
 * The article relies upon one source. I suggest looking for other sources in WP:LIBRARY, Google Scholar and archive.org. I assume you mean David Horsley's 2019 biography of Billy Strachan? I believe it is the most authoritative source on this subject. However, I have ordered more books which mention him and will increase the diversity of sources :)

Thankyou again for helping me to improve my favourite page. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 19:18, 30 April 2023 (UTC)

Comments from mujinga

 * Thanks to The History Wizard of Cambridge for the invitation!
 * First off, the article shouldn't be on peer review and GAR at the same time, per Peer review/Guidelines When can a review be closed? [...] If the article has become a candidate for good article, featured article or featured list status Mujinga (talk) 18:37, 18 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Do I remove the page from GA nomination or peer review? I'm not certain how to fix this. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Since the peer review is in progress, I'd suggest undoing the GA nom Mujinga (talk) 08:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * I ensured MOS:DASH compliance using a handy plugin called User:Ohconfucius/dashes.js
 * Amazing, I have never heard of this plugin before. Thankyou very much :) --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)
 * yes it's a handy one alright! Mujinga (talk) 08:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Infobox - right now you are using either commas or br to make a list, I'd suggest replacing with Template:Unbulleted list
 * Could you add this for me? I'm not certain I could do this without somehow breaking the infobox.--The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)
 * I should have given the example of the infobox at Olive Morris, which uses it. Give it a go! Mujinga (talk) 08:41, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Infobox - prob could add more bluelinks, although duplicate links are frowned upon in the article body, that doesn't include infobox or picture captions
 * Agreed and done. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Per Manual of Style/Accessibility/Alternative text for images it would be great to add alt captions to the images for screen readers
 * I have never used this before but I believe I just added alternative text? --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Not quite! So for example you now have:
 * File:DH 82A Tiger Moth - N81DH.jpg|thumb| alt= |Tiger Moth aircraft, similar to the one Strachan crashed during a training accident
 * and what you need is something like:
 * File:DH 82A Tiger Moth - N81DH.jpg|thumb| alt=A black and yellow biplane photographed flying over fields | Tiger Moth aircraft, similar to the one Strachan crashed during a training accident
 * Mujinga (talk) 08:49, 19 May 2023 (UTC)
 * You can also add "| alt        = " to the infobox. For this and how to do alts, you can look how we did it at Olive Morris for example Mujinga (talk) 08:50, 19 May 2023 (UTC)
 * I just finished adding an alt to the infobox and the images in the body of the text. Using the Olive Morris page as an example was very helpful. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:48, 21 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Lookin good! I think you missed Cheddi Jagan Anefo.jpg Mujinga (talk) 11:10, 21 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Done :) The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:21, 23 May 2023 (UTC)

Prose

 * I always start to review from the article body and do the lead last
 * "predominantly white" / "relatively privileged" / "extremely patriotic" - starting like this doesn't feel very encyclopedic.
 * I've tweaked some of the wording but "predominantly white" seems necessary to me given the environment of his upbringing and how it moulded him. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:25, 21 May 2023 (UTC)
 * if the source says that then sure Mujinga (talk) 10:21, 21 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "As a young boy, Strachan once stole his father's car, who then reported him to the police" - this reads to me that the car reported him.
 * Agreed and reworded. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "relatively privileged" / "extremely patriotic" - repetition.
 * Noted and tweaked. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:25, 21 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Black jamaican could I think be lijnked to Afro-Jamaicans.
 * Agreed and link included. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "he only favoured Strachan's father Cyril" - do you need "only"?
 * Agreed and deleted. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:25, 21 May 2023 (UTC)


 * I'm not sure if it necessarily is a MOS issue, but I'm not keen on the short paragraphs broken up by subheaders, I think they could be pulled together under "Early life", going chronologically.
 * It's tricky because the literature covering his early life is mostly based on interviews taken when Strachan was an old man, too old to recall the exact timeline of events. I don't think it would be possible to create a cronological order to the inforamtion on his early life. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:25, 21 May 2023 (UTC)
 * the main issue for me is the short sections, i just suggested chronological as a rough way to order things because at the moment it jumps around a bit, you have "born" then "as a young boy" then parents then schooling then "Before he was old enough to attend school" Mujinga (talk) 10:23, 21 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "however, Strachan graduated " - is however needed?
 * Agreed and reworded the sentence. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "half the boys were fee-paying students white" - white seems out of order.
 * Agreed and reworded. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "Although he says" - this isn't encyclopedic. Instead you could say "Strachan told his biographer" or something, if it is even needed.
 * Reworded to "Although Strachan believed". --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:25, 21 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "In 1938, mass strikes, often met with British police and soldiers killing protesters, took place across Jamaica." - prob could make this flow better.
 * Reworded = "In 1938, Jamaica experienced a wave of labour strikes across the country, which were often met with deadly violence at the hands of the British police and military." --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:25, 21 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "watched as history was made" - that isn't encyclopedic unless a reliable high quality secondary source is saying that, then you would need to say "Strachan's biographer reported" or similar.
 * Agreed and removed this wording. --The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 00:36, 19 May 2023 (UTC)

Prose2

 * "gained employment as a civil service clerk" - in UK or Jamaica?
 * Jamaica. edited to make this clearer. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "Struggling to afford the trip to Britain, he became the only passenger on a ship sailing to Britain, which ironically had arrived in Jamaica full of wealthy passengers escaping the war in Britain for the safety of the Caribbean" - don't need the word "Britain" three times, also ironically isn't encyclopedic.
 * Agreed, removed "ironically" and removed two/three of hte uses of hte word "Britain". The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "Nazi party" first mention in text can be wikilinked.
 * Done :) The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * These mishaps in "Joining the Royal Air Force" are quite funny to read, lots of stuff for a "Did you know" if you did take it to GA.
 * " being considered a "red man"" - can you use the source to explain that a bit more, i'm not really sure what being called a red man means, ie is it "good" or "bad"?
 * I believe it refers to Strachan's light skin tone in comparison to most black Jamaicans, however the source does not explain the use of the term so I have removed it. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "Recounting his experiences" - can you add where or to whom he was recounting?
 * I simply removed this part, as I do not believe it is important. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * if you say " to investigate racism across British military installations" then "to investigate racial tensions between military personnel" in the next sentence is a bit repetitive.
 * Not certain how to fix this or if it's really a problem so for now I will leave it as it is. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "In 1946, Strachan was demobilised from the RAF.[25] By 1946, he was the father of three sons: Christopher, Jeremy, and Mark." - this reads to me that he left the RAF in 1946 and by the end of 1946 he had three sons!
 * I moved the part about his demobilisation to another section to avoid confusion. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "Dr David Lewis" - after first mention can just be Lewis.
 * Agreed and done. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Caribbean Labour Congress can be linked on first mention in body.
 * There is not currently a wiki page for the Caribbean Labour Congress. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 01:12, 23 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Is it different to Caribbean Congress of Labour? Mujinga (talk) 08:56, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Structure - as mentioned already, I'm not really a fan of one-paragraph sections and also not one-sentence paragraphs

Prose3

 * If Holborn Hall is Holborn Town Hall it can be wikilinked.
 * I am not certain so I will refrain from wikinlinking. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:28, 23 May 2023 (UTC)
 * fair enough! Mujinga (talk) 08:55, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "they were kidnapped by the United States government" - that sounds exciting, if not very fun for Strachan, can you explain a bit more why the US did that?
 * i notice lead says "once kidnapped by the United States for his communist politics"
 * Sadly the sources don't go into many details but I assume this was likely because Strachan and his friend were accused of violating the McCarran Internal Security Act. Claudia Jones, another famous Caribbean communist, was also arrested, imprisoned in Ellis Island, and deported to the UK for under this act. I will re-read the literature but there may not be much more to add, since it appears he was deported rather quickly and without any further incidents to write about. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:28, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * " from an injury he sustained after being shot in the hip by a German during the Second World War, " - this presumably refers to the wound alreasdy mentioned that he received in the air, so could be reduced to " from an injury he sustained in the war" or similar, or it's the aircrash injuries?
 * I could go either way but I have reduced this sentence per your suggestion. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:28, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * "Death -Strachan died on 26 April 1998, after a battle with a motor neuron disease.[30]" - i would chop out "after a battle with a motor neuron disease" and roll the rest into the previous paragraph.
 * Agreed and changed. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:28, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * People like Cheddi Jagan and Claudia Jones are being linked too often per MOS:LINKONCE.
 * Fixed The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:28, 23 May 2023 (UTC)

Lead

 * "his wartime achievements as a bomber pilot with the Royal Air Force (RAF) during the Second World War," - don't need both wartime and Second World War.
 * Agreed and changed. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 02:29, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * lead is a good size and summarises the article well, nice one.

Images

 * Could link Cheddi Jagan in his photo caption.
 * Done. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 03:23, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Two pix are nominated for deletion currently, per talkpage
 * I'm not sure about this, so I'm just flagging this up for discussion but I don't know if you can claim a non-free use rationale if there are pictures of him you could cut a portrait out of Mujinga (talk) 11:13, 21 May 2023 (UTC)
 * When I first added the infobox photograph I was unaware that there were other images of him I could use. Also, I suspect that the image used in the infobox could possibly be public domain, since it was taken by an anonymous author over 70 years ago. When I find the time I'm going to fix these issues with the photographs. The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 03:23, 23 May 2023 (UTC)


 * Overall, thanks for an interesting read about someone I had never heard about before! Hope the comments, are helpful, let me know if something isn't clear. Good luck with the article. Mujinga (talk) 09:45, 22 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Thankyou so much, your feedback will surely help me launch this article towards Featured Article status :) The History Wizard of Cambridge (talk) 03:23, 23 May 2023 (UTC)
 * Nice one! By the way in case you are interested there's a Women in Green Good Article Editathon in June, cheers Mujinga (talk) 08:59, 23 May 2023 (UTC)