Wikipedia:Peer review/Blue LoLãn/archive1

Blue LoLãn


I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to know if there are any errors.

Thanks, Ömer Ezgi Erdoğan (talk) 07:27, 3 October 2020 (UTC)

Comments from Toccata quarta
Hello Ömer Ezgi Erdoğan, thank you for submitting this article to PR! This is the first time (that I can remember) that I'm offering feedback here, so please bear with me if I get something wrong (and I apologize in advance to PR regulars for any missteps that I may make).

Life and work Discography
 * As you may see at Peer review/guidelines, "Wikipedia's peer review is a way to receive ideas on how to improve articles that are already decent." The article you linked to will have to be expanded considerably before it can get much out of the PR process. I recommend to add content to it, as it is very short (a stub, in fact).
 * "is an artist, animal activist, director, cinematographer, model, actress, musician, editor, animator, graphic designer, and photographer." – WP:LEAD mentions that the lead should give the reader a clear overview of why an article's subject is notable. Is LoLãn really notable for her work in all these fields? (See WP:N and WP:GNG for some useful pointers.)
 * The infobox contains a link to LoLãn's official site, so an "External links" section including a link to it should be created. (See WP:LAYOUT for details on this and for further information that you may find helpful in working on the article.)
 * The article suffers from overlinking (see WP:OVERLINK) and most of the links therein should be removed (chiefly the ones for common English words).
 * I'd change the section heading to "Career", as the section contains no biographical information.
 * Five out of six paragraphs (which are very short; if you do expand the article, look for ways to expand or combine short paragraphs) in this section begin with "LoLãn", which makes the prose monotonous and is a visual sore.
 * "Has worked", "also performs", "has been featured", etc. – I'd give dates here.
 * "LoLãn starred in her first role in a Tom Petty music video" – which video?
 * "LoLãn has worked on videos for Apple, Facebook, and Pharrell" – what videos, in what role (editor, graphic designer, etc.), and what makes them significant?
 * "I’m Cindy" – curly apostrophes (and quotation marks) should not be used, per MOS:CURLY.
 * The names of magazines should be italicized and I suspect there should not be quotation marks around the titles of albums.
 * "Animal activist" should be "animal rights activist", with a link to Animal rights movement given.
 * "is creating a documentary" – "producing" or "working on" might be better.
 * Is this section listing both albums and songs? The former should be italicized and song titles should appear in quotation marks.

I hope you find this helpful. Do not hesitate to ask me in case of any questions. Toccata quarta (talk) 05:05, 4 November 2020 (UTC)