Wikipedia:Peer review/Bonnie Tyler/archive2

Bonnie Tyler
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I want to know how far away the article is from Good Article status. I have been working on the article for years and want to get cracking on neatening up the flaws. If you look back over a few years you'll see its transformation. Feedback on how you find the article (particularly in the 1970s to 80s section, which I have been working on the most) would be much appreciated.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Bonnietylersave (talk) 12:35, 26 August 2013 (UTC)

Note: This is a renomination, 4 February 2014

Okay, I'll give it a go. 1. Lead Section.
 * First, I don't know if I'd categorize her as a "philanthropist". She does do charitable work, but there is a difference between that and "philanthropy".  Second, the second paragraph needs copy edit work (e.g. the sentence about the Brit awards is clumsy).  Same with the third paragraph (e.g. commas missing between album and album titles).  Fourth paragraph, her voice "is", not "as" a result.  Also, although the WP article is "list of best-selling singles...", I think you might want to revise that to something along the lines, "among the best selling singles of all time, and then link to the page for reference.

2. Early life.
 * First paragraph. First, I think you should consider renaming it simply "Early life", as it reads now it is confusing.  Second, the second sentence is awkward ("brought up... growing up").  Third, Motown is misspelled.  Also, Tina Turner wasn't a solo act during Tyler's formative year (part of a duo, Ike & Tina Turner). Fourth, last sentence in the first paragraph is very awkward.  One other note, you don't mention her birthdate in this paragraph, which is unusual for biographies.


 * Second paragraph. Fist, in the first paragraph you refer to her as Hopkins, but here as Tyler, without explaining the name change.  Had she chosen her stage name prior to her Aunt entering her in the contest, if so, why, when, and why did she chose the name? Second, the entire paragraph needs copy/edit work.  Third, goes back to the first point, and after finishing the paragraph, I now don't know if she changed her name to Tyler, and then to Davis.  If this is the first name change, you should edit the first sentence to refer to her as Hopkins, and now in the last sentence you should refer to the two name changes, making sure to indicate that one would be in the future.


 * Third paragraph. First, the first sentence is incredibly awkward.  Second sentence, drop the "In" which begins it, and it should be "finishing" fourth out of seven.  The fifth sentence is awkward and confusing, you might want to break it up into two sentences to make it more clear.  The sixth sentence should read "...months later she was signed to a contract by RCA Records".  The seventh sentence is awkward as written, should read something like, "...it was recommended she change her stage name".

3. Career
 * First, you might consider moving the last two paragraphs from the above section into this section, creating a new opening sub-section called, "Early Years" (or something like that). Those paragraphs are about the Genesis of her career, so you might consider it.  Second, the first sentence is a bit awkward and redundant (songwriting and producing team which became her songwriters and producers?).  Third, you should simply say her first recording was "My, My... Fourth, the next sentence is awkward.


 * Okay, I'm going to stop here. On the whole, the entire article needs to have copy edit work done on it.  It seems to be written in a casual conversational style and vernacular as well.  It also has some peacock language in it.  The GOCE is having a drive next month, and I'd be happy to nominate for C/E work, if you'd like.  Hope this helps. Onel5969 (talk) 23:24, 26 February 2014 (UTC)