Wikipedia:Peer review/Brownie Mary/archive1

Brownie Mary
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I think it is somewhat complete but still rough around the edges. I would like to prepare it for GAR with the helpful advice of a reviewer. Viriditas (talk) 08:30, 12 November 2011 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: Thanks for your work on this interesting article, which I enjoyed. Here are some mostly minor suggestions for further improvement.


 * No dabs and no dead URLs.

Lead San Francisco
 * I'd be inclined to use "Rathbun, Mary Jane" in the Persondata entry, "Brownie Mary" as the alternative name, and "medical cannabis activist" as the short description.
 * Done. Viriditas (talk) 00:39, 2 December 2011 (UTC)
 * More images would be nice. Perhaps an image of a marijuana plant? Possibly an image of a brownie?
 * In progress... Viriditas (talk) 00:19, 2 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "distributing chocolate cannabis brownies to AIDS patients" - Link AIDS on first use?
 * Done. Viriditas (talk) 00:19, 2 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Spell out and link USO on first use, thus: United Service Organizations (USO)?


 * "she became known in the Castro" - Link "Castro" to The Castro, San Francisco, here on first use?


 * For extra money, she would sell... " - Here and in the next sentence I would change "would sell" to "sold".


 * "along with Dennis Peron" - No need for the first name here since he's already been clearly identified.


 * "Police raided Peron's business in 1977 and shot him in the leg." - This is such a compressed version of events that it makes it sound like the police shot Peron offhandedly or perhaps to teach him a lesson. Would it be helpful to include a bit more of this story? Why did they shoot him?

Activism
 * "In New York in the early 1990s, cannabis activist Dennis Peron... " - Tighten to "In New York in the early 1990s, Peron... " since the other words merely repeat what's already been said?


 * "In 1992, Rathbun helped Dennis Peron" - Delete "Dennis"?


 * "According to Dennis Peron" - Just "Peron"?

Personal life
 * "She personally used cannabis to ease the arthritis pain in her knees." - Link arthritis?
 * Done. Viriditas (talk) 00:19, 2 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "she received from Social Security" - Link "Social Security" to Social Security (United States)?
 * Done. Viriditas (talk) 00:31, 2 December 2011 (UTC)

Death
 * "chronic obstructive pulmonary disease" - Link to respiratory disease?
 * Why not link to Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease? Viriditas (talk) 00:31, 2 December 2011 (UTC)


 * "She told Dennis Peron that she was considering traveling... " - Just "Peron"?

Publications
 * I would include the place of publication. If you don't have this in your notes, you can find it via WorldCat.

Legacy
 * Perhaps it would be better to move much of the material in citation 7 to the Legacy section.


 * I'd also consider moving much of citation 42 into the Legacy section and explaining what NIDA and THC stand for.

References
 * The date formatting in the citations should be consistent. Instead of "1992, October 3", for example, I would use October 3, 1992. Ditto throughout.


 * I think I would drop the "a" and "b" from (1982a) and (1982b).

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 03:50, 19 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)
 * Very helpful! I will make an attempt in the next two weeks to complete these tasks. Thanks. Viriditas (talk) 04:48, 19 November 2011 (UTC)


 * Comments:
 * I find the YEAR MONTH DAY format much more informative and helpful to the reader and editor rather than MONTH DAY YEAR. I realize that few if any editors use this format, but it is the standard APA format for magazine articles. Viriditas (talk) 04:58, 19 November 2011 (UTC)
 * Regarding copyvios, User:Crisco 1492 expressed the concern that this sentence was a copyvio, and he changed it, but even if there is another source that says "Rathbun was a hospital volunteer in the AIDS ward of San Francisco General Hospital", that wording is simply an observation of fact, similar to saying the "The White House is located in Washington, D.C." It is not a copyvio to make that statement of fact, even though it appears in hundreds, perhaps thousands of sources. Viriditas (talk) 05:12, 19 November 2011 (UTC)