Wikipedia:Peer review/Bryan D. Brown/archive1

Bryan D. Brown
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to take this article to GA status in the future and I hope to get some outside input on how I could further improve/expand the article.

Thank you for your time, —  - dain   omite    19:03, 14 May 2013 (UTC)

Comments from AustralianRupert: good work so far, I have the following suggestions:
 * "General Brown retired from active duty" --> "Brown retired from active" (there is no need to repeat his rank here);
 * ✅ fixed
 * if known, some details about his early life should probably be added to a small "Early life" section. For instance, place and date of birth, parents, schooling, etc;
 * ❌ I will have to look for some.
 * ✅ I found some sources regarding his early life.
 * "He was commissioned as a Second Lieutenant" --> "He was commissioned as a second lieutenant in May" per WP:MILTERMS
 * "After completing OCS Brown returned to Vietnam as a helicopter pilot": if known, it should probably be stated when and where he did his flight training;
 * ❌ I think I saw this in one of the references, I will go back through and check.
 * ✅ Added and expanded upon this.
 * watch for repetition, for instance: "commanded U.S. forces during Operation Prime Chance where he oversaw U.S. forces" ("U.S. forces is said twice here);
 * this clause seems too far removed from that to which it relates: "which was a result of the Chadian–Libyan conflict" (i.e. it is not clear what "which" relates to here);
 * there appears to be a typo here: "From there Brown went on to lead and U.S. Army Special Operations Command"
 * comma splice: "in Operation Desert Storm, he went on to lead"
 * repetition: "went on to lead..." and then "He then went on to become"
 * repetition: "found that Lt Gen Philip Kensinger and other army officers were found" (found is repeated);
 * inconsistent capitalisation: "other army officers" and then "retired from the Army" (IMO it should be "Army" in both cases);
 * inconsistent date format: "July 27, 2000. Retrieved 2013-04-27";
 * ✅ I blame reflinks!
 * the See also section is blank and therefore probably should be removed (the portals should probably be moved down into the References section);
 * ✅ That makes sense to me, should this also be done with the commons category since "external links" is also blank aside from that.
 * "In it Brown is highly critical of the " --> "In it Brown was highly critical of the" (it is in the past, so it should probably use past tense);
 * note 15 should be formatted to include title, publisher and accessdate information;
 * in the References this appears: "Brown's Official US Army Bio", but it does not have any details explaining how the reader can access it (i.e. date of publication, url if it is a web site, publisher, author, etc.)
 * Removed, there isn't anything in the article that I haven't already found in one of the existing references.
 * are there any details about his family? Obviously as a BLP we want to keep things to a minimum in this regard, but I think some indication of a family probably should be made if known. AustralianRupert (talk) 10:36, 16 May 2013 (UTC)
 * I haven't come across any. I'm sure there might be some mentions in local papers from the Tampa Bay area because they seem to mention that stuff more often than other sources.
 * ✅ I added what information I came across.
 * ✅ That makes sense to me, should this also be done with the commons category since "external links" is also blank aside from that.
 * "In it Brown is highly critical of the " --> "In it Brown was highly critical of the" (it is in the past, so it should probably use past tense);
 * note 15 should be formatted to include title, publisher and accessdate information;
 * in the References this appears: "Brown's Official US Army Bio", but it does not have any details explaining how the reader can access it (i.e. date of publication, url if it is a web site, publisher, author, etc.)
 * Removed, there isn't anything in the article that I haven't already found in one of the existing references.
 * are there any details about his family? Obviously as a BLP we want to keep things to a minimum in this regard, but I think some indication of a family probably should be made if known. AustralianRupert (talk) 10:36, 16 May 2013 (UTC)
 * I haven't come across any. I'm sure there might be some mentions in local papers from the Tampa Bay area because they seem to mention that stuff more often than other sources.
 * ✅ I added what information I came across.
 * I haven't come across any. I'm sure there might be some mentions in local papers from the Tampa Bay area because they seem to mention that stuff more often than other sources.
 * ✅ I added what information I came across.

Thank you very much Rupert for all the suggestions. I've never taken an article to this point so it is a very good learning experience for myself and I appreciate the time you put in to critique it thus far. I know I can expand on him a bit in regards to him being a helicopter pilot during the Vietnam War. I wish I could find more about him while he was the head of various commands as opposed to just simply stating that he held those commands. For instance, him being the SOCOM commander for four years during the Afghanistan and Iraw wars but I'm not quite sure what to put in there for him serving during that time period. Also, should the "Military service" section be broken down further at all? Thanks again, —  - dain   omite    15:07, 16 May 2013 (UTC)

Comments - Dank (push to talk)
 * "In a career that spanned four decades": probably best not to say that twice in the same paragraph.
 * "Fort Meade Maryland": comma
 * Do you mean remove the existing comma?
 * Always put a comma between city and state. - Dank (push to talk) 12:45, 10 June 2013 (UTC)
 * "His father, Arnett Brown was": two commas or none
 * , removed the one
 * "was in the U.S. Army, and a member of the 89th Infantry Division": was in the 89th Infantry Division [most readers will understand that's in the army]
 * "In High School he played": In High School Brown played ["he" might mean his father]
 * "... baseball and basketball and eventually made it onto a semi-pro team team": semi-pro baseball or basketball team? I would think this would happen pretty quickly or not at all, so how soon is "eventually"? "made it onto" is informal. - Dank (push to talk) 04:00, 10 June 2013 (UTC)
 * I would assume baseball but he doesn't specifically say in the interview so that's why it's worded like that unfortunately. Here's the relevent sentences from the reference: " Initially I was more interested in sports than academics, and played high school basketball and baseball. I actually went out for and made a semi-pro team in Fayetteville, N.C., that used to play at a stadium on Highway 301." Should I leave it as is or change it to baseball?
 * "Stadium" suggests baseball to me. - Dank (push to talk) 12:45, 10 June 2013 (UTC)
 * "... baseball and basketball and eventually made it onto a semi-pro team team": semi-pro baseball or basketball team? I would think this would happen pretty quickly or not at all, so how soon is "eventually"? "made it onto" is informal. - Dank (push to talk) 04:00, 10 June 2013 (UTC)
 * I would assume baseball but he doesn't specifically say in the interview so that's why it's worded like that unfortunately. Here's the relevent sentences from the reference: " Initially I was more interested in sports than academics, and played high school basketball and baseball. I actually went out for and made a semi-pro team in Fayetteville, N.C., that used to play at a stadium on Highway 301." Should I leave it as is or change it to baseball?
 * "Stadium" suggests baseball to me. - Dank (push to talk) 12:45, 10 June 2013 (UTC)
 * "Stadium" suggests baseball to me. - Dank (push to talk) 12:45, 10 June 2013 (UTC)

Thank you very much for your response Dank. I really appreciate you taking the time to review the article. —  - dain   omite    04:32, 10 June 2013 (UTC)