Wikipedia:Peer review/Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot/archive1

Care Bears: Journey to Joke-a-lot
This peer review discussion has been closed. Finally! After weeks of fleshing out (and two or three missed opportunities at a plot summary), I've managed #4 in the Care Bears film series. The fans loathe it (or so I've heard), and for me it gets worse with every viewing ... but surprisingly, some critics happened to like it for what it was. For the record, this was the first movie for the Bears since 1987's Adventure in Wonderland. Going, once again, for GA; perhaps this may as well be good enough for a book or a good topic? (I'm having the same thing in mind for the old-school Strawberry Shortcake specials anytime soon.)

Thanks, Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 23:38, 7 October 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: Looks good to me except for the few things noted below.

Plot
 * "After they agree to try it, the carousel goes out of control and sends them up into the sky... ". - Suggestion: "After they agree to try the carousel, it goes out of control and sends them into the sky... ".
 * Done. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * The em dashes in Wikipedia articles don't have spaces before and after. Maybe the template is not such a good idea. I replaced the em-dash templates with em-dash codes.


 * "Unknown to the Bear, Funnybone actually placed the car within the woods, so that he would bestow kingship upon its rider and begin gaining his own power; he reminds his three fly henchmen (Phido, Cleon and Bidel) about this." - This is a bit unclear. How does bestowing kingship on someone yield power to Funnybone? Where does the power come from? Also, does "fly" mean the insect? If so, making this explicit with something like "reminds his three henchmen (Phido, Cleon and Bidel), who are houseflies," might be better.
 * Clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * "He plans to take hold of the Sceptre, now in the hands of a slow, elderly alligator called Grand Duke Giggle." - "Take hold of" might mean "grasp". Perhaps "appropriate" or "take command of" would be more forceful.
 * Clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * "After they crash into the building," - "Royal Palace" instead of "building", for clarity?
 * Clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * Consider linking carousel, bumper car, and dirigible on first use?
 * Done. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)

Release
 * "Glenn Ross, the president of Family Home Entertainment (then owned by Artisan), remarked of the characters' reinvention and re-introduction to parents and young viewers." - Replace "remarked of" with "announced"?
 * Done. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * "Congratulations on finding you way this far." - This looks like a misprint. Should the word be "your" instead of "you"?
 * Corrected as "finding your way". --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)


 * "Only the last of those scenes, "The Great Escape!", has finished animation." - Slightly unclear. Does this mean that it was the only one with animation? Or does "finished" imply that the others had partly finished animation?
 * Clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)

References
 * Change TELEVISION to Television in citation 16. Wikipedia house style takes precedence over the all-caps of the source.
 * Changed. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 23:51, 13 October 2010 (UTC)


 * I've added the last few sources I can find for this (on LexisNexis). Bottom of the barrel, as they say. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 21:52, 18 October 2010 (UTC)