Wikipedia:Peer review/Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation/archive3

Care Bears Movie II: A New Generation
This peer review discussion has been closed.
 * Previous peer review

Along with those on several other movies featuring the Care Bears (currently one of my on-and-off passions—I've moved on to other and better things), this is among the first articles I created early in my Wikipedia career. Reiterating from PR #1 back in December 2005...


 * This is no likely FA candidate, since it's a children's animated film and not that many people have recently seen it, not even on cable television. And the critics have been no nicer to it...

No one thought this page would see the light of day as a well-researched part of the Care Bears legacy. Not even, my first WP contact. Well...not today, buddy!

This out-of-the-blue clipping from the Toronto Star (registration required for full article) prompted me to finally improve the article...and the sources just kept on coming from here. Even I had to "rent" the DVD from my library to fulfill this task. Funny how I spent all of Toy Story 3's opening day, and the evening after, getting the job done. (Mind you, the Care Bears are also toys that continue to appear in cartoons.) I've finally managed to tackle every single problem with it—what with an overlong plot and a ton of original research getting in the way. Back in size, back in better shape—and at this writing, over four years behind schedule. So worth the wait—and so unbelievable!

For the record: The Samuel Goldwyn Company set their sights on this follow-up from Toronto's Nelvana studio (like they successfully did with the first), but distribution rights soon ended up with Columbia Pictures after demands from the producers.

Looking forward in the coming months to my first proper GA—and later FA—with this one. Who else cares? As an editor, I do.

See you on the Main Page next March.

Thanks, Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 03:44, 20 June 2010 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: I have not seen this movie, though I am familiar with the idea of the Care Bears. I think this needs some work before it would be ready for FAC, so here are some suggestions for improvement - thanks for your work on the article.
 * Lead - mostly well done, but "its" does not have a clear antecedent, and "turned over" is just plain unclear in To the chagrin of its founder, the worldwide rights then turned over to Hollywood studio Columbia Pictures. Perhaps it owuld be better as something like To the chagrin of Goldwyn's founder, the worldwide rights were then acquired by Hollywood studio Columbia Pictures.
 * Changed. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * In the lead, the reviews seem more "mostly negative" to me than "mixed" - in the Reception section 8 of the 12 reviews seemed negative.
 * Amended. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * The Plot section has a lot of problems. One is that it is written mostly from an in-universe perspective, so someone not familiar with the Care Bears will have little or no idea what tummy symbols are, or who the Care Bear Cousins are (the rabbit? little bears?). See WP:IN-U
 * Universe problems sorted out. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Another problem is that the writing in Plot needs a lot of work - sometimes it is not clear and in other places it could be tightened. A few examples follow (not a complete list - see if you can get a copyedit):
 * Some time later, True Heart Bear and stowaway Swift Heart Rabbit embark on the Bears' first Caring Mission. Landing at a summer camp, she meets a camper named Christy. This girl always loses against her lead competitor, the boastful Camp Champ, and only excels at marble-shooting. She and her friends, Dawn and John, attempt to run away but get lost in the woods. First sentence is about two characters. Second sentence says "she" (singular) meets a camper named Christy. Which character is meant by "she"? If Christy always loses, how does she also excel (and win?) at marbles? Since we do not know the gender of the Camp Champ, it is not 100% clear who "she and her friends" is referring to (assume Christy).
 * Whole paragraph copyedited and clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Back on Earth, Christy meets Dark Heart (as a human boy) for the first time. After Christy performs a cartwheel for him, she learns that she must do a favour to pay him back. Thanks to this deal, she shows off as the new Camp Champ. Thanks to the villain, True Heart and Noble Heart move the Bears to Care-a-Lot, and the Cousins to the Forest of Feelings. First off it is not clear they left Earth. Second, the whole cartwheel, favor, becoming the new Camp Champ sequence makes no sense to me. How does Christy performing a cartwheel lead to her debt to Dark Heart? What deal is struck? Thanks to the later references to Faust, I assume Dark Heart makes her the new Champ, but this is all very muddled.
 * Copyedited and clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Meanwhile, from a secret cave beneath the camp, Dark Heart is planning to capture them forever. His arrival in Care-a-lot causes the Caring Meter to go awry, while the Bears prepare a surprise party for True Heart and Noble Heart. They believe he is trying to have fun, but the Star and Heart Buddies are aware of his plan and drive him off. Unclear who "them" refers to in the first sentence - the Care Bears? the Campers? Sicne the reader already knows from the plot that the camp is on Earth and the Care Bears live somewhere else in the clouds, it seems more likely that Dark Heart is after the campers from his cave beneath them?? But then he (assume Dark Heart) arrives in Care-a-lot, so is he after the Bears? In They believe he is trying to have fun, but the Star and Heart Buddies... I am not sure who they are (the Bears? but if all them believe he is having fun, how do some know to drive him off? And who are the Star and Heart Buddies?
 * Copyedited and clarified. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * That night, the other campers wreck the site thanks to Dark Heart. What site - the camp? the Bears' place?
 * Already clarified as "camp". --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Feeling guilty of her deal, she finally admits what she has done. Despite paying him back (and saving him earlier on), her bargain with Dark Heart is over. I think people usually feel guilty about something (not "of" something). How has Christy paid Dark Heart back? How did she save him earlier?
 * Copyedited and straightened out. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Moving on... in Production I think the cards to plush toys to TV shows and first movie to this movie sequence could be made clearer.
 * I also think the amount of money the first film mode and the fact that it was a record amount for a non-Disney film would help make it clearer why the sequel was produced if it was in the Production section.
 * Any idea how much the production of this film cost? Assume it made some money or there would not have been the third movie? The reviews all make it sound as if it were inexpensively made...
 * Tried asking the same thing on Yahoo! Answers ages ago...still no luck to this day, not even with the free GNews/GBooks data at my disposal. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * I would combine the other countries section with Europe to avoid a one paragraph section
 * Orphan paragraph already merged; main section renamed "Overseas". --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * The article uses Cquote for block quotes, but that template's documantation says it is for pull quotes, not block quotes.
 * All instances replaced with quote. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)
 * I think if this went to FAC now, the reviewers would not like the amount of quotations used - some are fine, but this seems excessive and some of the quotes could be paraphrased.
 * Make sure references use reliable sources = what makes dvdverdict.com a RS, for example?
 * One external link is dead, according the EL checker tool in the toolbox here
 * Apparently, that was an active page in the Oscar/AMPAS credits database. Repaired via WebCite. --Slgrandson (How's my egg-throwing coleslaw?) 19:49, 7 July 2010 (UTC)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 16:23, 29 June 2010 (UTC)