Wikipedia:Peer review/Caroline Earle White/archive1

Caroline Earle White
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… It was an assignment for my Women in US History course. I would appreciate any suggestions on how to better wikify my article. Thanks, Mlm957 (talk) 06:23, 9 December 2011 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: I am reading through, and will post some specific review comments shortly. In the meantime, one issue you may wish to address concerns images. The fact that the images were created before 1923 does not mean you can use the PD-US licence; this is only valid for images that were published before 1923. Thus you need to find out and provide details of where and when these images were first published. Brianboulton (talk) 20:25, 16 December 2011 (UTC)

Further comments: Rather weak, and not really informative about her later life. Perhaps retitle "Other activities", and try to expand? Incidentally, the journal title Woman’s Progress should be italicised.
 * Lead
 * Too short: needs to be expanded to meet MOS requirements for a concise overview of the article. You also need to sort out this tangled sentence: "She founded the Women’s Branch of the Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (WPSPCA), as well as the American Anti-Vivisection Society (AAVS), and co-founded the Pennsylvania Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (PSPCA)".
 * Early life
 * Link African Americans
 * You should date Earle's new constitution for Pennsylvania
 * The abolitionist party for which Earle stood as candidate for vice president in 1840 was called "Liberty", not the "Anti-Slavery" party.
 * "Caroline was educated on Nantucket Island in Massachusetts. She studied astronomy, and was well versed in Latin and spoke German, French, Italian, and Spanish." Are we talking about her schooldays here? A adte context would be helpful
 * Uncited: "Her family’s wealth gave her many educational opportunities not available to other girls of the time."
 * "Well-known" in this context requires a hyphen
 * "After a year of study..." I think you mean "prepartion" rather than study.
 * To maintain the neutral encyclopedic tone, emphatic adjectives or adverbs should generally be avoided, e.g.  "...and ardently supported women’s suffrage", and "White firmly believed..."
 * "In fact White firmly believed that one social injustice could lead to another, as evidenced with her involvement with the Women’s Christian Temperance Union." The words "In fact" are unnecessary. Also, "as evidenced with her involvement" is not the right phrasing. I think the meaning you intend is "From her involvement with the Women’s Christian Temperance Union, White believed that one social injustice could lead to another".
 * Animal advocacy
 * It's not clear to what organisation the initials SPCA are referring.
 * "Finally brought together by Henry Bergh, S. Morris Waln provided financial support while White and Muckle, with Richard White’s assistance, drafted the group’s charter and corresponding laws." Unnecessarily cumbersome; try "After the group was brought together by Bergh, Waln provided financial support while White and Muckle, with Richard White’s assistance, drafted the group’s charter and corresponding laws."
 * "S. Morris Waln was elected president, but White was excluded from an official position." No need for Wain's full name. On what grounds was White excluded from office?
 * Women's Humane Society
 * "The Morris Refuge Association for Homeless and Suffering animals..." Isn't "animals" part of the organisation's title, and therefore requires a capital A?
 * "felicitating" → "facilitating"
 * "WPSPCA supporters also expressed their animal welfare concerns through campaigns and legislation." Campaigns, yes, but "legislation"?How could they do that?
 * The second paragraph is very muddled chronologically: 1909, then back to 1871, then forward again to 1896. Needs better organisation.
 * American Anti-Vivisection Society
 * A "strenuous" resolution? Perhaps "strongly worded"?
 * "Although the group harbored an absolutist stance, AAVS initially pursued a more flexible approach to attempt to end the practice." This reads very oddly; what does "a flexible approach" imply here?
 * "Partnering with the Massachusetts SPCA, AAVS successfully campaigned to ban vivisection in elementary and secondary schools in Massachusetts." They practised vivisection in elementary schools? This seems somewhat incredible - that young kids were allowed to cut up live animals. Can you check that this was indeed the case?
 * Later life
 * References
 * Ref 1 lacks publisher information
 * Ref 2: Newspaper name should be italicised. In the absence of an online link, page references should be given
 * Ref 7: The New York Times should be italicised

As I am not able to watch individual reviews, please contact my talkpage if you have any questions arising from this review, or if you would like me to take a further look. Brianboulton (talk) 23:33, 16 December 2011 (UTC)