Wikipedia:Peer review/Chad Griffin/archive1

Chad Griffin
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review with an eye towards improving it toward and pursuing GA status after improvements. This is, embarrassingly enough, my first inroad into reviewed content, and I've put a fair bit of work into the article--but it's had little discussion with other editors, it relates to a somewhat controversial topic, and my writing abilities are weak--all of which suggest that there are likely numerous opportunities for improvement.

Thanks, j⚛e deckertalk 19:56, 25 June 2012 (UTC)

Comments The Rambling Man (talk) 16:58, 2 July 2012 (UTC)
 * You need to expand the lead, see our MOS guidelines. In short, it should summarise the whole article.
 * "Griffin founded the American Foundation..." -> "He founded..."
 * "Early Years" -> per WP:HEAD this should be "Early years".
 * "Griffin quit college and"... Perhaps it's just my BritEng ears but "quit college" is a little too colloquial. I would even prefer "Griffin dropped out of", although, perhaps "left college?".  I agree that "quit" doesn't ... feel right.
 * In the Early Years section, you state Griffin in every sentence. Mix it up a little for more flowing and engaging prose.
 * In infobox "11 June 2012-" perhaps better to say "11 June 2012 – present"?
 * Don't overlink AFER in the infobox.
 * "a nonprofit formed" is there a word missing here? Like "organisation"?
 * Could consider merging a few of the really short paragraphs, both for style and flow.
 * Don't use abbreviations unless you've explained them (e.g. ACLU) - I know it's linked but it's better for a global audience to actually read the name rather than have to click the link.
 * "Griffin became president of the Human Rights Campaign in 2012." sure but what does that have to do with the image this is the caption for? See WP:CAPTION for some tips on descriptive captions.   (although it has me thinking about the Supreme Court image, too)
 * New York Times is actually The New York Times.
 * Similar comment to Beaver County Times.
 * And Boston Globe.
 * This is very much a USEng article yet all the dates in refs are BritEng format. Not necessarily a problem, but a bit odd!  (Well, changed, in any case, as below.)
 * Thanks -- I'll get on those, I did some of the easy fixes earlier today, but I'll want to a bit of time I can concentrate before attacking the lede. A few specifics: Yeah, my use of BritEng time is a personal quirk, but I intend to remove it, I don't mind being odd for my own sake, but the article doesn't need it.  I do hear nonprofit used as a noun (or did, working for a couple of such organizations in the past), but it's jargon, and should be replaced by the full phrase as you suggest. In any case, it's my intent to implement all your suggestions, tomorrow most likely. This is very helpful. Thank you! --j⚛e deckertalk 06:13, 3 July 2012 (UTC)
 * And again, thanks! Those changes should all be in place. --j⚛e deckertalk 16:11, 9 July 2012 (UTC)