Wikipedia:Peer review/Chrisye/archive1

Chrisye
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I am hoping to bring to FAC by mid February at the latest (so that the article can be on the main page for the 5 year anniversary of his death) and I would like some feedback on what can be expanded. Also, the biography I have has testimonials from numerous famous people, including former President Megawati Sukarnoputri. To cite this should I do: or the standard

Thanks, Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:25, 6 January 2012 (UTC)


 * I would do the first and give the chapter information - more information is better as to the source of statements. Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 12:07, 20 January 2012 (UTC)
 * Thanks... any content comments? Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:56, 24 January 2012 (UTC)

doing Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 12:23, 8 February 2012 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: The main review seems to have stalled some weeks ago, but I can give you a few indicators of attention needed to the prose in the earlier parts of the article:-
 * In the Early life section, awkward repetitions:  "While attending elementary school at GIKI Elementary School" - why not just "While attending GIKI Elementary School..."?
 * Same section, more repetition: "Chrisye attended Senior High School PSKD Menteng.[6] While he was in senior high school, Beatlemania reached Indonesia" This could be shortened to "Beatlemania reached Indonesia while Chrisye was a student at Senior High School PSKD Menteng."
 * In the "Band member and early projects" section, link covers at first mention.
 * Same section, fourth paragraph, final sentence: "Although he became upset that he could not fully express himself through covers, he continued to work". There is no indication given in the paragraph of the identity of "he". In the next paragraph, also, you first refer to Chrisye as "him".
 * ".. Sys NS, an employee of Prambors..." To me, "Sys NS" does not read like the name of a person; can you clarify? (I see later on "Addie MS" so perhaps this is an Indonesian format?)
 * Problematic sentence: "After stagnating for a week, numerous radio stations began playing the singles and sales increased exponentially." It was not the radio stations that were stagnating.
 * Link "groupie"
 * "financial condition" → "financial position"
 * "Chrisye briefly considered quitting the music industry but turned down a lucrative offer from the television network RCTI." Briefly expand on the nature of the offer which, presumably, involved a non-musical role?

These comments fall far short of a full review, but I hope they are of some help. Brianboulton (talk) 12:57, 19 February 2012 (UTC)
 * Thanks. I'll get on it this evening after this seminar I'm attending. Crisco 1492 (talk) 04:05, 22 February 2012 (UTC)
 * All dealt with except for the last one, as the source is on my flash drive at home. Sys NS is the person's common name, as indicated at the Indonesian article on him. Redlinked both him and Addie MS, as both are notable enough for articles. Crisco 1492 (talk) 06:26, 22 February 2012 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Sorry this took me so long. I agree with the above comments, and here are some suggestions for improvement.
 * A model article is useful for ideas and examples to follow - there are many FAs on musicians that might be useful models - see Category:FA-Class biography (musicians) articles.
 * I would make sure the lead and infobox are in sync - the infobox lists his different birth name and conversion to Islam, but neither of these are in the lead.
 * The second use of "he joined" a band here is not super clear. It usually means someone became a member of a band for the first time, but the second use is confusing - I assume it means he went to New York and played with the band he was already a member of there ''In the late 1960s, he joined Sabda Nada (later Gipsy), a band led by his neighbours, the Nasutions. In 1973, he joined the band to play in New York for a year.
 * Did he live near Menteng (implies he was not in it) or was he a resident in it all along? ''After spending Chrisye's initial years on Talang Street near Menteng, Central Jakarta, in 1954 the family moved to Pegangsaan Street (also in Menteng).[2]
 * I realize Indonesian naming conventions are different, but shouldn't "Bamid Gauri" in some way have Nasution in his name? ''While attending GIKI Elementary School, Chrisye befriended the neighbouring Nasution family; he became especially close with Bamid Gauri.
 * The language is decent but not great - the hardest criterion for most articles to meet at FAC is 1a, a professional level of English. For example, "urge" here is an odd word choice - perhaps "desire" would be better? ''In response to Chrisye's urge to play music, his father bought him a guitar
 * Or the third paragraph of Early life uses "Chrisye" six times - for comparison the four paragraphs of the lead use CHrisye just four times
 * Or the use of "routine" here - I think they had a regular gig / engagement ''The group had a regular routine at Mini Disko on Juanda Street and freelanced at birthday and wedding parties.[10]
 * The caption reads "Chrisye singing while playing the bass in 1977" but his mouth is closed - seems like he is not singing in the photo
 * Unclear who he is here - the antecedent is Guruh, but I am pretty sure Chrisye is meant ''In 1972, Guruh received a phone call from Pontjo Nasution and was offered the chance to play in New York. Although he was ecstatic, he was afraid of telling his father since he thought his father would disapprove.
 * Problem sentence: "the" is not needed and I would identify Vicky (which is usually a woman's name in English speaking countries): ''In the mid-1975, with several weeks left on his contract, his parents called him from Jakarta and told him that [his brother] Vicky had died of a stomach infection.
 * MOS says to use a person's full name on first use, then use just one name afterwards unless there is more than one person with that name (to avoid confusion). So, for example, Jockie Soerjoprajogo is usually referred to as just Jockie after first use, but at least twice he is called Jockie Soerjoprajogo.
 * I would add years / dates where possible to provide context to the reader. So giving at least the year for Jurang Pemisah would help, as would giving at least the year for Badai Pasti Berlalu. See ''After the success of "Lilin-Lilin Kecil", Pramaqua Records approached Chrisye and offered him an album, Jurang Pemisah .... After his later album Badai Pasti Berlalu took off...
 * Watch WP:OVERLINKing - Badai Pasti Berlalu is linked twice in two paragraphs
 * Watch for internal consistency. First sentence says Chrisye recorded the coundtrack (no others mentioned) "over a couple of months". Then the paragraph goes on to say that the soundtrack already existed in some form to win an award, and that a group recorded the new version in 21 days (which is less than one month). This is confusing and seems to be either contradictory or even factually incorrect in places.
 * ''That same year, Chrisye recorded the soundtrack for Badai Pasti Berlalu over a couple of months.[27] After the soundtrack won a Citra Award at the 1978 Indonesian Film Festival, Irama Mas studios approached the group to do a soundtrack album for a flat fee.[27] With Chrisye and Berlian Hutauruk on vocals, the album was recorded in Pluit over a period of 21 days.[27][28] It was released under the same name as the film, with a picture of actress Christine Hakim on the cover.[28] After the song stagnated for a week, numerous radio stations began playing the singles and sales increased exponentially.[29] It included Chrisye's first songwriting credit, "Merepih Alam" ("Fragile Nature").[23]

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch &gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 16:41, 25 February 2012 (UTC)
 * Sometimes the text is unclear / does not say things explicitly. Here it is never said what Widjaja wanted Chrisye to do - presumably sign a recor d contract? ''Chrisye's tenor voice and performance on Badai Pasti Berlalu led to Amin Widjaja of Musica Studios approaching him. Widjaja had been scouting him since the release of Guruh Gipsy. Chrisye agreed, on condition that he be allowed creative freedom.
 * Yanti's brother Yaidy is mentioned only once - why was Chrisye visitng him?
 * MOS says not to have images placed in articles so that they draw the reader's eyes off the screen - File:Gutawa 2004 1.JPG should be left justified so the singer faces into the page. Perhas do the same with the photo of Geln Fredly (though there are two figures there, so it is more balanced)
 * The article has three fair use images of Chrisye and one fair use media file - make sure these all meet WP:NFCC - do they increase the reader's understanding, or are they just decorative? The more the article discusses what is shown in images, the better. So the lead image shows him old and ill and could be alluded to in the article. I would also somehow mention the image of him young and with his bass. The image of him at his wedding is not really discussed in the article either - the more they can become integrated into the text, the better.
 * This needs a copyedit before it would stand much of a chance at FAC
 * He only had three singles???
 * There are two dead links that will need to be fixed (use the tool box on this PR page to see them)
 * The refs seem OK - over half of them are to Endah's book, which may be questioned at FAC. Other sources would help - were there many obituaries after his death that might have useful information?
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. *Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)
 * Thanks for that. I'll get hopping and then ask someone like Malleus to take a look. Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:13, 25 February 2012 (UTC)