Wikipedia:Peer review/Claire Taylor/archive1

Claire Taylor
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I hope to take it onto FAC in the near future. It passed GA a while ago, but I think it still has some work before FA, particularly relating to use of jargon. All comments and insights would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,  Harrias  talk 23:08, 16 March 2013 (UTC)

Comments from Sarastro: Some nit-picks on the lead to begin with. Feel free to disagree, shout and scream.
 * "A batsman who played at the top of the order": Top order batsman (with a link) may be better. It may also be worth, if you are aiming at FAC, including a note to the effect that "batsman" is still the correct terminology in women's cricket.
 * Done as suggested.  Harrias  talk 20:14, 27 March 2013 (UTC)


 * "the only woman to have been named one of the Wisden Cricketers' Almanack's Cricketers of the Year": Maybe just "a Wisden Cricketer of the Year". To avoid a long line of links, I tend not to link Wisden here, and just link COY. I then link the almanack on its next mention.
 * Done as suggested.  Harrias  talk 20:14, 27 March 2013 (UTC)


 * "and played a key role in their victories in the World Cup and the World Twenty20 in 2009.": To avoid any confusion over the years (people may ask when the World Cup victory was, as the sentence could be ambiguous), and to make it more accessible for non-cricketers, maybe rephrase to something like "played a key role in the team's two world title's in 2009"
 * Done as suggested (though without the apostrophe!)  Harrias  talk 20:14, 27 March 2013 (UTC)


 * "Despite not playing cricket until the age of 13, Taylor made her county cricket debut aged 17.": Maybe just begin "Taylor did not play cricket until the age of 13, but four years later made her county debut…"
 * Done as suggested.  Harrias  talk 20:14, 27 March 2013 (UTC)


 * "a consistent member of the team": Consistent in terms of scoring or consistently selected?
 * Changed to "and within two years was a regular in the team."  Harrias  talk 13:40, 13 April 2013 (UTC)


 * "After an unsuccessful campaign in the 2000 World Cup": Maybe cut some cricketese here: "After an unsuccessful World Cup in 2000…"
 * Done as suggested.  Harrias  talk 20:14, 27 March 2013 (UTC)


 * "despite the financial strain it put her under": Perhaps too much for the lead, as it is hardly a key part of the story.
 * Done as suggested.  Harrias  talk 20:14, 27 March 2013 (UTC)


 * "Over the subsequent five years, she developed into one of the leading batsmen in women's cricket, but after another failure in the 2005 World Cup she resumed her career alongside cricket.": Long sentence. Maybe split after "women's cricket". Again, I'd be reluctant to go into her outside career in the lead. If you keep it, maybe look at the story being told in this paragraph, as it seems to jump from her batting success to her outside career.
 * "In 2006, Taylor made the highest score in an ODI at Lord's Cricket Ground, remaining 156 not out at the close.": Is she still successful? We left the last paragraph where she was a leading batsman, then failed in the WC. Other than this score, was she doing well? Also, maybe cut this back to "In 2006, Taylor made 156 not out, the highest score in a ODI" (Is it a ODI or an ODI??? I don't actually know!)
 * I've tweaked this somewhat, how does it read now? (And it's definitely "an ODI", as in "an oh-dee-i", in contrast to "a One Day International", which is really "a wan..".)  Harrias  talk 15:20, 4 April 2013 (UTC)


 * "Her subsequent development as a batsman resulted in her being short-listed for the ICC Women's Cricketer of the Year in 2007 and 2008": We've already had subsequent development in the preceding paragraph. Maybe "Her continued success…" or "continued improvement". Or maybe use something different in the last paragraph. I might also rephrase this: "As a result of her subsequent development as a batsman, she was short-listed for…"
 * The end of the lead goes into tour-by-tour mode, while the rest doesn't.
 * "She was the leading run-scorer in the 2009 Women's Cricket World Cup, and the player of the tournament in the Women's World Twenty20 later in the year. Her batting was less consistent after 2009, with low scores in the 2010 Women's World Twenty20, and a tour of Sri Lanka later that year.": Maybe: "After being the leading run-scorer in the 2009 World Cup, and player of the tournament in the World Twenty20 later that year, she was less consistent from 2010…"
 * I've significantly rewritten the final paragraph, how does it scan now?  Harrias  talk 15:20, 4 April 2013 (UTC)


 * We mention the 2009 WC and WT20 twice in the lead: could these be merged? For example, the leading run-scorer thing could be added to the first paragraph. It's best to avoid repetition like this, I think.
 * I think now that the first paragraph just mentions "two world titles" and the last names them that it is okay? What do you reckon?  Harrias  talk 13:45, 13 April 2013 (UTC)


 * Anything on technique for the lead? Sarastro1 (talk) 19:53, 18 March 2013 (UTC)
 * Nothing much on technique anywhere; even what comes later is weak at best. It isn't something I could find much about at all.  Harrias  talk 15:20, 4 April 2013 (UTC)

Early life and career:
 * We seem to have quite a few sentences beginning "she", and a little variety would be useful.
 * I think that I've reduced this.  Harrias  talk 13:40, 13 April 2013 (UTC)


 * "She was part of a sporting family: her father played rugby, and her mother had played hockey.": Any particular reason that her father "played" but her mother "had played"?
 * Possibly, but it's not significant, removed "had".  Harrias  talk 13:40, 13 April 2013 (UTC)


 * "She did not play cricket until a summer camp at the age of 13,[2] but thereafter improved to a level which resulted in her captaining the Dolphin School cricket team, playing alongside the boys": Perhaps too much going on? Maybe the information about playing alongside boys to another part. And perhaps, for elegance, "to such a level that she captained the Dolphin School..."
 * Left the bit about playing alongside the boys because I haven't worked out how else to mention it (if at all) yet. Done the rest though.  Harrias  talk 13:40, 13 April 2013 (UTC)


 * "Although she primarily played hockey as a teenager, at which she represented England at Under-17 and Under-19 as a forward,[2] she began playing women's county cricket for Thames Valley, making her debut for the side in May 1993": Another long one, and I'm not sure that "although" is justified given that playing hockey does not preclude her playing cricket.
 * Ref for note 1 (this can be a FAC issue)?
 * Done.  Harrias  talk 13:45, 13 April 2013 (UTC)


 * "She also played for the college men's cricket team, which also included Iain Sutcliffe": also...also
 * Removed the second also.  Harrias  <sup style="color:#009900;">talk 13:40, 13 April 2013 (UTC)


 * "She had been making intermittent appearances for England at various age group levels for the previous five years": This is sprung on us a little. At what point did she get recognition?
 * "These performances were not sufficient to secure Taylor a place in the squad travelling to India to compete in the 1997 Women's Cricket World Cup": Perhaps simplify to "Even so, she was not included in the team for the 1997 Women's World Cup in India."
 * Done.  Harrias  <sup style="color:#009900;">talk 13:40, 13 April 2013 (UTC)

International breakthrough:
 * I think we're getting a bit listy in this section, with a string of statistics. Maybe more comment or analysis is needed, if it's available. Particularly with the county performances, it makes the section a bit uneven and feels quite random: here is one performance! But we won't tell you the others!
 * What is the Inter-Provincial tournament?
 * "competed in the women's Inter-Provincial Tournament, scoring two half-centuries in the competition.": Competed ... competition
 * "The batting was once more culpable, but Taylor provided some relief": A touch of journalese here, perhaps? Sarastro1 (talk) 20:35, 19 March 2013 (UTC)

Full time cricketer:
 * "After the 2005 World Cup, Taylor wanted to focus on her desire to become one of the best batsmen in the world.[24] In order to achieve this, she decided to become a full-time cricketer.": I think "to focus on her desire" could be cut with no loss, and perhaps the two sentences could be merged? Also, why the jump from 2000 to 2005? Typo?
 * No-where does it actually say that she resigned from her job. I'd be inclined to rework this section. Maybe:
 * In an attempt to become one of the best batsmen in the world, Taylor became a full-time cricketer after the 2005 World Cup. She resigned from her job as an IT assistant manager at Procter & Gamble, a company she had joined upon leaving university in 2001. Owing to the drop in her income&mdash;her salary at Procter & Gamble was £38,000 but she earned only £7,000 each year from cricket&mdash;she returned to live with her parents."


 * "Taylor was praised as the only highlight of the English batting": Can you be praised as a highlight?
 * "batting for over four hours in a gritty performance to reach 137 runs": POV?
 * "Taylor missed the tour of India in January 2002": Perhaps a tour?
 * "Unfortunately for England, her good form did not continue into the international matches": Looks like editorialising, especially given a statistical source.
 * "She repaid the faith shown in her": More editorialising; I'd be inclined to tie this more into the source.
 * "and was scored over six and a half hours": Perhaps "too six-and-a-half hours"
 * I think we get into listing scores again in this section, which makes for a bit of hard reading. I'd suggest that either some detail should be cut to avoid the impression that we are just listing each innings, or add some commentary on how she did.

I'll pause there for now to let you catch up as and when. Apart from the odd bit of polish, the biggest thing may be to avoid the "her scored X, then Y, and Z against A, B and C" effect. Not too sure how, given what I suspect is a paucity of sources. Otherwise looking good so far. Ping me when you are ready for more. Sarastro1 (talk) 19:51, 21 March 2013 (UTC)