Wikipedia:Peer review/Cleomenean War/archive1

Cleomenean War
I would just like some suggestions on how to improve this article and help advance it. All suggestions are appreciated. Thanks. Kyriakos 13:31, 1 October 2007 (UTC)


 * Please see automated peer review suggestions here. Thanks, APR t 03:33, 5 October 2007 (UTC)

A few comments... Your intro uses the term "ambitious," which seems to break NPOV - if it's worth using in the intro, cite it, otherwise just remove it. Throughout, you also have several very short paragraphs. I'd recommend making sure each 'graph is at least 3 sentences; that seems to be a good guideline. It's probably worth giving the whole thing a good, thorough copy edit... Some instances are simple (Starting with a conjunction: But when the efforts from inside the city failed, Aratus retreated, hoping to remain unnoticed.) but some will be a little harder to catch. There are some weak passive voice sentences, some overly long sentences cluttered with excessive clauses (LOTS of these) and, probably what's worse, prose that is more narrative than encyclopedic. That kind of writing potentially violates NPOV policy (consider, for example, The Achaean League was crushed by this battle. Why use "crush"?).

I'm being a bit vague, so let me give you a specific suggestion too. Under "Battle of Sellasia", I'm a little distracted by the table. Why have one here but none under any of the other battle sections? Should this just be turned into prose? There's also this line towards the end: He ordered that the reforms of Cleomenes be revoked, restored the ephors and did not force them to become a member of his new League which it however did. Not sure what's going on in that sentence. Then there's the last line: Thus died the man who nearly conquered all of the Peloponnese and is described by William Smith as "the last truly great man of Sparta, and, excepting perhaps Philopoemen, of all Greece." Not sure that's good encyclopedia writing. Further, a line like that probably does not belong in an article on a battle, but on the article on the man it's referring to. By the way, it might just be my computer, but the headlines for "Citations" and "Sources" aren't coming out bold for me. My guess is you have some Wiki-coding somewhere, probably under "Notes," messing it up. Anyway, the editors working on this one have done some strong work here, so keep it up! --Midnightdreary 03:15, 12 October 2007 (UTC)