Wikipedia:Peer review/Cross Game/archive1

===Cross Game===



This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because we are trying to prepare it for a GAN and would like to know what needs to be done to get it ready. The article has been written largely as a collaboration between User:Nihonjoe, myself, and (especially for the French reviews information) User:KrebMarkt. Any help appreciated. —Quasirandom (talk) 16:32, 18 July 2009 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer reviewCross Game/archive1/.

Comment about French sources: I want to give my rationales concerning the RS status of the two sources used for reviews.
 * Anime Land: It's the web counterpart of a bi-monthly anime/manga magazine published in France with already 153 issues published.
 * Manga-news.com: It's one of the most prominent if not the most anime/manga website in French, a trusted player in the Manga/anime field as it even host publishers official chapters samples. --KrebMarkt 17:35, 18 July 2009 (UTC)


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2009.
 * Hmm. The bot is less on than usual -- the lead has three paragraphs, which is on for its size, and I'm not seeing any pluralized unit abbreviations (there is a "mis" in a French quote that may be throwing it), and frankly it's looking a little overlinked myself, except possibly in the Plot section. The "doesn't" I'll grant -- I'd overlooked that one during my copyedit. —Quasirandom (talk) 15:16, 19 July 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This seems close to GA. I don't know Japanese or French, and I can't help with questions related to translation or the reliability of some of the sources. However, your explanation sounds reasonable, and I see nothing in the article that seems unreasonable. The article appears to be broad, neutral, and stable, and the single image looks fine. I made a few minor proofing changes, and my suggestions below have to do with mostly minor Manual of Style and prose issues.

Plot
 * "Due to their proximity and the relationship between their businesses, the Kitamura and Tsukishima families have been close for many years, with their children going back and forth between the two homes like extended family." - "With" is a weak connector in sentences like this. Suggestion: "...and their children go back and forth... ".
 * "However, Coach Maeno asks for a rematch game with the first-string team, where the losing team would be dissolved and that coach would leave." - "Where" is a similarly weak connector in this sentence. Suggestion: "...after which the losing team is to be dissolved and its coach dismissed."
 * "In the spring, Kō becomes a second-year student and Aoba enters Seishū High School. Yūhei, who stays at Seishū despite having been on the former first-string team, moves in with Kō and his family after the first-stringers' dormitory is closed down." - Delete "down"?
 * "As another year rolls around, the romantic subplots further solidify... " - "Rolls around" might be a bit too slangy. Suggestion: "As another year begins... ".
 * "Seishū kicks off with a dominating shutout... " - "Kicks off" is slang, too. Suggestion: "opens"?
 * "a dominating shutout" - Wikilink shutout?
 * "Seishū wins with a nearly perfect game, ending Part Two of the story." - Wikilink perfect game?

Kō Kitamura
 * "He was practically inseparable from Wakaba since their birth... " - "has been" rather than "was" to maintain present-tense perspective?
 * "Despite their age in Part One, the two are very close, with their families treating them as if they are a couple." - "With" is a weak connector in this sentence. Suggestion: "...and their families treat them as if... ".
 * "(in the 100 km/h cage and above)" - This should be expressed in imperial units as well, and the primary unit should be spelled out rather than abbreviated thus: 100 km/h. To avoid nested sets of parentheses, I'd suggest eliminating the outer pair, thus: ...he has practiced daily at the Tsukishima Batting Center in the 100 km/h cage and above since he was old enough to swing a bat... ".
 * "While he shows little interest in baseball to outsiders, he has practiced daily at the Tsukishima Batting Center (in the 100 km/h cage and above) since he was old enough to swing a bat, enough so he is an excellent batter, especially against fastballs." - In addition to the changes mentioned above, I'd also recommend splitting the sentence by adding a terminal period after "bat" and then saying, "He is an excellent batter, especially against fastballs."
 * "Kō is described by several other characters, including Ichiyō and both Yūhei and Junpei Azuma, as very like Aoba, in particular with being as competitive as her, and Junpei attributes their frequent squabbling to their similarities." - Probably too complex. Suggestion: "Kō is described by several other characters, including Ichiyō, Yūhei, and Junpei Azuma, as very like Aoba. In particular, they say, he is as competitive as Aoba, and Junpei attributes their frequent squabbling to their similarities."
 * "Although he does not play baseball in junior high school, Akaishi and Nakanishi convince him to join the high school baseball team, and with his changeup pitches, control, and incredible fastball, he becomes the ace pitcher in Seishū High School, and because he has batted in the Tsukishima cages since a very young age, he is an strong hitter." - Too complex; that is, too many clauses hooked together. Suggestion: "Although Kō does not play baseball in junior high school, Akaishi and Nakanishi convince him to join the high school baseball team. With his changeup pitches, control, and incredible fastball, he becomes the ace pitcher in Seishū High School, and because he has batted in the Tsukishima cages since a very young age, he is a strong hitter."
 * "...he becomes the ace pitcher in Seishū High School... " - Wikilink ace?

Aoba Tsukishima
 * "Aoba is seen as a tomboy... " - Wikilink tomboy?
 * "Her father played catch with Aoba since she was little... " - "has played catch" rather than "played catch" to maintain present-tense perspective?
 * I had to check the series for this one -- yes, we are shown them playing catch in the narrative present rather than only in flashbacks, so you're right. —Quasirandom (talk) 00:56, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * "when she was young Aoba told Wakaba she was only interested in a guy who can pitch... " - "could pitch" rather than "can pitch"
 * "a 160 km/h fastball (about 100 mph)" - 160 km/h fastball. "Kilometres" should be spelled out, and the adjective gets hyphens, as above.
 * Given kilometers-per-hour has been spelled out in the first mention (above, in Kō), why also spell out here? —Quasirandom (talk) 22:18, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * The convert template default setting spells out the primary unit and abbreviates the second, and generally that's the convention I've seen in operation at FAC and elsewhere. WP:MOSNUM says in part: "Where space is limited, such as in tables, infoboxes, mathematical formulas, and parenthetical notes, unit symbols are preferable. In prose it is usually better to spell out unit names, but symbols may also be used when a unit (especially one with a very long name) is used many times in an article. However, spell out the first instance of each unit in an article: for example The typical batch is 250 kilograms … and then 15 kg of emulsifier is added." Thus exceptions to the general rule are sometimes OK, but I think the general rule would apply to this article. Finetooth (talk) 23:45, 27 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Ah -- a different house style than I'm used to, then. Gotcha. —Quasirandom (talk) 00:34, 28 July 2009 (UTC)


 * "She has an excellent pitching form, on which Kō based his own form" - "has based" rather than "based"? The perspective is from the present tense of the story, not the present tense of 2009.
 * This one's tricky -- when this comes up, the act of basing his form on hers is already in the narrative past: Kō admits he used her form when he had been starting out, but then immediately says he's moved beyond it (a claim supported by the narrative: by that point, even she has admitted his fastball is noticeably faster than hers). That said, it's a subtle point, and if you think the simpler syntax is preferable, I'd be glad to change it. —Quasirandom (talk) 00:56, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * I see what you mean, and I think you are right. Kō based his own form on hers in the narrative past but no longer does in the narrative present. Finetooth (talk) 01:24, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * How about "had based", just to make the progression clearer? —Quasirandom (talk) 02:20, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * I find these things tricky too, sometimes. If I imagine myself to be her, speaking in the first person in that narrative present, I might say to someone, "I have an excellent pitching form, on which Kō once based his own." I wouldn't say, "I have an excellent pitching form on which Kō had based his own." Does that make sense? Finetooth (talk) 14:30, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * A good test, that. I'll leave it alone, then. —Quasirandom (talk) 14:42, 28 July 2009 (UTC)


 * "Eventually she admits she has faith in his ability to fulfill Wakaba's last dream, where he pitches at Kōshien." - "in which" rather than "where"?

Anime
 * "The first DVD volume of episodes is scheduled to be released in Japan on 24 July 2009." - Since the date has passed, should this be changed to "was released"?
 * "The ending theme for episodes 14 and on, "Orange Days" (オレンジDays, Orenji Days?) by Squarehood, is scheduled to be released as a single by Lantis on 5 August 2009." - This one is OK today but may need to be updated a week from now.
 * I'm planning on it. —Quasirandom (talk) 00:56, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Just noticed it why the singles publisher is Lantis? Should it not be Warner Music Japan? --KrebMarkt 07:04, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * It's Lantis because that's how it was reported by ANN in the report I used as a reference, when I added the label to the article. Feel free to change it. —Quasirandom (talk) 14:17, 28 July 2009 (UTC)
 * Ok, i will change them because i found nothing on Lantis website --KrebMarkt 14:24, 28 July 2009 (UTC).
 * AT-X is linked to a disambiguation page rather than the intended target.

Reception
 * "and his skill at rendering scenes without dialogue that move the reader." - Slightly more clear might be " ...at rendering moving scenes without dialogue".
 * "Two reviewers at ANN gave it the highest possible rating, with one stating that he'd give a higher rating if possible." - Slightly more clear would be "Two reviewers at ANN gave it the highest possible rating, and one said that he would have given it a higher rating if possible."
 * "However, another said some may find the episode's pacing to be "almost too-languid" - "might" rather than "may"?
 * Better is to use language closer to what the reviewer actually said -- I've rewritten that sentence to better reflect the actual balance of praise and criticism. —Quasirandom (talk) 16:33, 28 July 2009 (UTC)

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 17:53, 26 July 2009 (UTC)


 * Thanks muchly. These do indeed look helpful -- will go through them in more detail over the next couple days. And I need to take a pass going through just for linking/explaining baseball jargon. —Quasirandom (talk) 20:53, 26 July 2009 (UTC)


 * Add my thanks too --KrebMarkt 21:01, 26 July 2009 (UTC)


 * There -- I think that covers everything. Thanks again for the comments -- I'll see if I can find a PR I feel competent to address. —Quasirandom (talk) 16:33, 28 July 2009 (UTC)