Wikipedia:Peer review/Culture of Malaysia/archive1

Culture of Malaysia
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I've about reached the end of my independent thought process on the improvement of this article. I'm not sure where to go from here, what information people would want to see in such an article, how it should be organised etc. Any suggestions about anything at all would be most welcome, from copyediting to sourcing to the creation of whole new sections.

Thanks, Chipmunkdavis (talk) 16:12, 16 November 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This article has a lot of interesting content, but the prose needs more work. I did quite a bit of proofing and made many small changes to punctuation and spelling. I'm sure I didn't catch and fix everything. I'd suggest a further close copyediting. You might be able to find a willing editor through WP:GOCE or WP:PRV. Here are other comments and suggestions.

Lead
 * The lead is to be an inviting summary of the whole article. The existing lead is a bit skimpy on details and focuses a bit too heavily on the idea that the culture is a mix. I don't think the final sentence is necessary; it draws a conclusion rather than adding to the summary. I generally rewrite the lead of an article after I'm pretty much done with the main text sections. When I do this, I try to imagine a reader who can only read the lead and none of the text sections. I think it's important to work a little more of the specific detail into leads than I see in this one.


 * The lead repeats the word "culture" 15 times. More variety would improve the prose.

Background
 * "Cultural differences between Peninsular and East Malaysia until today." - Missing word or words?


 * For foreign readers who live in distant parts of the world, it might be helpful to include a map showing where these places are. In lieu of a map, a general description in the text might help identify the hemisphere, the bordering bodies of water, and the bordering countries. It might help to give the name of the capital city and its location and perhaps the names of other major cities.

Ethnic groups
 * "Malaysia is a multi–ethnic, multicultural and multilingual society, and the many ethnic groups in Malaysia construct different cultural identities based on this." - Is "construct" the right word? Suggestion: Malaysia's multi-ethnic, multicultural and multilingual society is a blend of various cultural identities."


 * "Substantial influence exists from Chinese and Indian culture" - Shouldn't this be "cultures" since they are not identical?


 * "Other cultures that heavily influenced the culture of Malaysia include Persian, Arabic, and British culture." - Suggestion to avoid repeating "culture" three times: "Other cultures that heavily influenced that of Malaysia include the Persian, Arabic, and British."


 * "Due to the political structure of the government coupled with the social contract theory, there has been minimal cultural assimilation of ethnic minorities in Malaya and Malaysia." - This isn't logical. The theory is a set of ideas that can't be "coupled" with something else. I'm not sure how to fix the sentence because I don't know what the social contract theory might say about political structures.


 * The government has historically made little difference between "Malay Culture" and "Malaysian Culture". - I think you mean "distinction" rather than "difference".


 * "Hindu tradition remains strong until today in the Indian community of Malaysia." - Tighten by deleting "until today"? Words like "today" are inherently vague, and I don't think you need to specify a time in this sentence.

Policies and controversies
 * "The Malaysian government has taken the step of defining Malaysian Culture, issuing the "1971 National Culture Policy". " - Tighten to "The Malaysian government defined Malaysian Culture when it issued its "1971 National Culture Policy"?


 * WP:MOS suggests using straight prose when feasible instead of lists. The numbered list in this section would be easy to render in prose.


 * "Some cultural disputes exist between Malaysia and neighbouring countries, notably Indonesia." - Link Indonesia?


 * "Strong feelings exist in Indonesia about protecting their national heritage." - Maybe "that nation's" rather than "their"?


 * "One dispute, known as the Pendet controversy, was raised due to the claim of the use of the Pendet Dance in a Malaysian tourism ad campaign, causing official protests." - "Claim" doesn't seem to fit, since the ad actually used the dance images.


 * "This Balinese dance was however used only in a Discovery Channel ad, not an official Malaysian ad." - It might help to explain that Bali is part of Indonesia and that the protests came from Indonesia. Also, should Discovery Channel be linked?

Arts
 * "In recent years, dikir barat has grown in popularity, and it actively promoted by state governments... " - Missing word?

Music
 * "Drums and other traditional percussion instruments and are often made from natural materials." - Missing words or too many words"?

Literature
 * "This orals were heavily influenced by early Indian epics." - Suggestion: "These works... ".

Holidays
 * The word "celebrate" occurs in one form or another more than 20 times in this section. A little more variety would make this section stronger.


 * "This practice is commonly known as balik kampung and this would usually cause vehicle crawls on most highways in the country." - Should "vehicle crawl" be briefly explained or linked to something?

Cuisine
 * "This means that although much of Malaysian food can be traced back to a certain culture, they have their own identity." - "Much" is singular, but "they" is plural. Suggestion: "This means that although many Malaysian foods can be traced to certain cultures, the foods have their own identities."

Sports
 * "Wau is a traditional form of kite-flying, where kites are created with intricate designs." - Since the kites aren't created during the kite-flying, this sentence should be revised. Suggestion: "Wau is a traditional form of kite-flying involving kites with intricate designs."


 * "Kite-fighting sometimes occurs, where each tries to cut the opponents kite strings." - "Each" doesn't seem to refer to anything in particular. Perhaps "Competitors sometimes engage in kite fights in which the object is to cut the opponent's kite strings."


 * "Many international sports have a great deal of popularity in Malaysia." - Tighten to "Many international sports are highly popular in Malaysia"?


 * Link "lawn bowls" to bowls?


 * "It runs for 310.408 km" - Convert to 310.408 km to show imperial as well as metric distances? Would it be more readable as "about 310 km"?


 * "received recognition by the IOC in 1954" - Spell out and link International Olympic Committee (IOC) on first use?

Media
 * "Peninsular based media gives low priority to news from East Malaysia, and often treats them as colonies of the Peninsula." - "Peninsular-based" needs a hyphen. East Malaysia is an "it", not a "them"; perhaps "often treats it as a colony of the peninsula"?


 * "The Malaysian government has previously tried to crack down on opposition papers before elections when they were unsure of their political situation." - "Government" is singular; it's not clear who "they" and "their" refer to.

Other
 * Citation 70 has a dead url.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 01:30, 28 November 2010 (UTC)
 * The dab tool at the top of this review page finds one link (Wau) that goes to a disambiguation page instead of the intended target.