Wikipedia:Peer review/Dan Bain/archive1

Dan Bain
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it passed GA a few months ago and I think it could go for FA, I just need to know what to expand and improve on before I do that. Any advice is appreciated. Kaiser matias (talk) 19:13, 31 October 2010 (UTC)
 * After taking a quick read:


 * 1) He was an all-around athlete, competing in ice hockey, roller skating, gymnastics, figure skating, golf and shooting, among others. Sounds kind of awkward; maybe "golf, shooting and other sports"?
 * 2) He won two Stanley Cup titles playing with the Winnipeg Victorias in 1896 and 1901... kind of implies that he only played for them those two years.
 * 3) Is "Vics" a standard nickname?  Seems kind of casual.
 * 4) I don't really understand what HMCS Chippawa is, which isn't really your fault.  Is it a ship or an office or both or what?  If it's a ship, you may want to use, which provides the semi-italics and wikifies it.
 * Good luck getting it to FA! –Schmloof (talk · contribs) 02:57, 1 November 2010 (UTC)
 * Addressed everything here. Kaiser matias (talk) 01:41, 3 November 2010 (UTC)

I've been searching, and struggling, to find any info on Bain's early personal history: family, ancestry, etc. Being an 19th century athlete, I wasn't expecting it to be easy. Unfortunately, the Calgary Public Library doesn't have much in the way of old Winnipeg newspapers. Have you had any luck finding info of this type, Kaiser? Resolute 14:09, 3 November 2010 (UTC)
 * I wish it were that easy. I've spent some time on Google Archive Search, but information is rather limited on anything about hockey from that era, let alone the relative backwater of turn of the century Winnipeg. Hopefully something will turn up eventually. Kaiser matias (talk) 00:51, 5 November 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is an interesting account that's broad in coverage, though I can't say whether it's comprehensive or not. Its weak link at the moment, I'd say, is the prose. I made a dozen or so small copyediting changes, and I have a list of suggestions for further improvement.

Infobox
 * I'd recommend spelling out ON, CAN, and MB.

Lead
 * "With the Winnipeg Victorias hockey team, whom he played for from 1894 until 1902, he won the Stanley Cup twice as champions of Canada." - Since the team won the cup rather than "he", I'd recast this. Suggestion: "The Winnipeg Victorias, for whom he played from 1894 through 1902, won the Stanley Cup twice during those years."


 * "the last half of the 19th century" - Constructions like 19th century should be held together by a no-break code to keep them from separating on line-break on computer screens. WP:NBSP has details. Ditto for any similar constructions in the article.


 * "He built the Mallard Lodge on the shores of Lake Winnipeg, a building that endures today as a research facility at the University of Manitoba." - Since Lake Winnipeg is not a building, I'd revise this sentence a bit. Suggestion: "He built the Mallard Lodge, a building that endures today as a research facility at the University of Manitoba, on the shores of Lake Winnipeg."

Sports career
 * "by winning a three-mile race" - The distance should be given in metric units as well. I like to use the convert template for most conversions: 3 mi. I rounded to the nearest whole number. The "adj=on", which you can see in edit mode, adds the hyphen.


 * "The team was greeted by a huge crowd at the Canadian Pacific Railway station when their Union Jack and hockey stick decorated train returned to Winnipeg... " - To avoid the awkwardness of so many adjectives in a row in front of "train", perhaps: "The team was greeted by a huge crowd at the Canadian Pacific Railway station when their train, decorated with a Union Jack and a hockey stick, returned to Winnipeg... ".


 * "He scored four goals in three games in a 1900 challenge against the Montreal Shamrocks, but again lost the title." - This should be rewritten to avoid saying that Bain lost the title. The team lost the title.


 * "the first time in Stanley Cup history that the winning goal was scored in extra time" - This should be an independent clause but lacks a main verb. It might be better to make it into a separate sentence. Suggestion: "This marked the first occasion in Stanley Cup history that the winning goal was scored in overtime."


 * "lost the Cup to the Montreal AAA... " - Spell out as well as abbreviate on first use?


 * "He won over a dozen titles, the last of which came at the age of 56, while he made appearances until the age of 70." - This glues two different ideas together in an awkward way. Suggestion: "He won more than a dozen titles, the last of which came at the age of 56, and he continued to make appearances until the age of 70."


 * "made appearances" - What does this mean? It seems not to mean that he competed since the next sentence says he retired from competition in 1930. He would have been 56 in 1930, the year of his last title.

Personal life
 * "Winnipeg and operated in numerous cities" - Should that be "operating" rather than "operated"?


 * "He constructed the Mallard Lodge on land adjacent to the club as a personal retreat. He strictly enforced his privacy, even building a road to his lodge that he allowed no one else to use requiring members of the Portage Country Club to use a different route." - Suggestion: "He built the Mallard Lodge as a personal retreat on land adjacent to the club. He strictly enforced his privacy, even building a road to his lodge that he allowed no one else to use. Members of the Portage Country Club were required to take a different route."

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog at WP:PR; that is where I found this one. I don't usually watch the PR archives or check corrections or changes. If my comments are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 02:17, 9 November 2010 (UTC)
 * I have addressed the prose issues. So far as I know, Donald H. Bain Ltd no longer exists, but I am trying to verify that.  Thanks for the review! Resolute 03:06, 12 November 2010 (UTC)