Wikipedia:Peer review/Darryl White/archive1

Darryl White
I wrote this article recently and think it's pretty good. I'd be interested in others' comments. Note that I've deliberately not broken it up into sections as I feel it would disrupt the flow of the article, but see what you think.--The Brain of Morbius 00:27, 1 September 2005 (UTC)
 * It's pretty decent, but relies on a strong knowledge of the sport and includes some vernacular expressions. I suppose that is to be expected to some degree. "Desperate" is spelled incorrectly. There are a number of statements bordering on hyperbole. It says, for example, that "The Lions were thrashed". Does that mean 3,921 to 15 or some such score? You could be more specific. Generalizations such as "White's shellshocked teammates", "White was devastated", "an inspiration to other indigenous players", and "strict disciplinarian" could use quotes or references to back them up. Paragraph 4, sentence 3 is missing an "and". Is he married? Does he have children? Any family at all? Thanks. &mdash; RJH 15:02, 2 September 2005 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the feedback, I'll consider your comments and see what I can do.--The Brain of Morbius 22:24, 2 September 2005 (UTC)
 * Can't see any instance of "Desperate" being spelt incorrectly, can you be more specific?--The Brain of Morbius 23:14, 2 September 2005 (UTC)
 * Sorry, my bad. Please ignore that spelling issue. Thanks. &mdash; RJH 19:28, 3 September 2005 (UTC)