Wikipedia:Peer review/Deep Purple (album)/archive1

Deep Purple (album)
I've listed this article for peer review because I need advice for grammar, syntax and completeness, before attempting a GA promotion. Thanks, Lewismaster (talk) 20:56, 6 April 2017 (UTC)

Comment: In my opinion, this article doesn't read like it was written from a neutral point of view, especially the musical style and release and promotion sections. I see a lot of stating opinions as facts and judgmental language. Littlecarmen (talk) 13:02, 10 April 2017 (UTC)
 * I understand your concern, but could you be more specific? The reviews about this album remark the progress shown by Blackmore and Paice as musicians and writers. It's a fact that they had less or no music credits in the previous albums. Lewismaster (talk) 18:12, 10 April 2017 (UTC)
 * One example of stating opinions as facts: he also starts to really showcase his talent. And some wording that I think should be changed: a stab at getting a hit single, often hiding in the organ-heavy mix of those releases the instrumental abilities of other musicians (I think I know what you mean here but it isn't 100% clear and should be rephrased), Things were starting to look grim, showing a desire to really back up their artists, as shown with the heavy promotions of "Hush" and "Kentucky Woman" in the US, the label's spending had gotten out of control, keep the company afloat, and In an attempt to salvage their own situation. Littlecarmen (talk) 11:51, 13 April 2017 (UTC)
 * I changed those sentences. I hope that they work better now. Lewismaster (talk) 09:39, 14 April 2017 (UTC)


 * Comments from Bruce1ee

Infobox
 * Do you have a full date of the UK release? If not, I'd suggest leaving out the "21" from the US release.
 * I don't have a full date and the sources actually list different UK release dates. The CD booklet lists September, but others list November. The booklet also says that it was signed by the band at the Royal Albert Hall show on 24 September 1969 so, unless they were import US copies, the release date should be September. I changed the infobox as suggested.
 * The infobox and the "Release and promotion" section say September 1969, whereas the opening sentence of the lead says November 1969 for the UK release. If the UK release date is uncertain, this fact must be stated. —Bruce1eetalk 17:32, 4 May 2017 (UTC)

Lead
 * "brought to the decision of searching for a substitute": suggest "brought about the decision".
 * Fixed


 * The third paragraph discusses the 2nd US tour and events leading to the band's new line-up, but makes no mention of its relation to the delayed release of the album.
 * Broken in two sentences. I hope that it's more understandable now.


 * The lead needs to say that Mark I & II refer to the band's line-ups.
 * Fixed

Background
 * "had finally had some influence": "finally" is bordering on editorializing.
 * Fixed


 * "match the success of the hit 'Hush'": suggest "their hit 'Hush'".
 * Done


 * "Deep Purple's American label ... pressured the band": did this happen while they were still on tour in the US?
 * Yes. "Kentucky Woman" was not a hit and Tetragrammaton wanted a new single. I added this info to the sentence.


 * "A few days after their homecoming": suggest "A few days after their US tour".
 * Fixed


 * "recorded on 7 January": I take it that's January 1969; a year would be helpful.
 * Done


 * "'The Bird Has Flown' was chosen as B-side": suggest "as the B-side".
 * Done


 * "Deep Purple's greater visibility and their declared interest for the British public": suggest "their declared interest in the British public".
 * Done

Composition and recording
 * "The band's management organized the spare time from the tour": suggest "from the UK tour".
 * Done


 * "over the course of February and March": the year is necessary for the start of a new section.
 * Done


 * "The first new song to be publicly performed was titled 'Hey Bop a Re Bop', which aired on the Top Gear radio show on 14 January": but the new songs were recorded in February and March; when was this song recorded?
 * 'Hey Bop a Re Bop' is an early draft of a song and was never recorded, but it was modified and rearranged becoming "The Painter" instead. "The Painter" was recorded in February or March.

Musical style
 * "Jon Lord had been the main writer": no need for "Jon".
 * Fixed

Release and promotion
 * "out just in time for Deep Purple's tour in April 1969": shouldn't that be "second US tour in April 1969"?
 * Fixed

Touring
 * "brought them mainly in small clubs and colleges": how about "brought them mainly to small clubs and colleges".
 * Done


 * "their trek touched also Canada": suggest "their trek also touched Canada".
 * Done


 * "the band experienced some economical limitations": economical → economic.
 * Fixed


 * "The band had now really begun to develop": "really" could be dropped.
 * Done


 * "dissatisfied with their economic treatment": suggest "dissatisfied with their treatment financially".
 * Done


 * "They talked their ideas over with drummer Ian Paice": no need for "Ian".
 * Done

End of the Mark I formation
 * "Blackmore asked for help in this task to his old acquaintance": "to" → "from"
 * Fixed


 * "dispute was settled economically off court": "off" → "out of"
 * Fixed

Commercial and critical reception
 * "peaking at a meager No. 162": "a meager" is bordering on editorializing.
 * Cut

Notes
 * Do the "CD Booklet" references refer to the remastered CD release?
 * Yes. I changed them to Robinson.

I did a little copyediting here. —Bruce1eetalk 13:05, 4 May 2017 (UTC)
 * Thank you for your review, it was just what I needed. Please, feel free to add more suggestions. Lewismaster (talk) 14:50, 4 May 2017 (UTC)
 * My pleasure, and thank you for your edits. There's just the first point that's outstanding. —Bruce1eetalk 17:32, 4 May 2017 (UTC)
 * I just fixed it Lewismaster (talk) 17:37, 4 May 2017 (UTC)
 * Thanks. Good luck with the GA nomination. —Bruce1eetalk 21:01, 4 May 2017 (UTC)