Wikipedia:Peer review/Drama dari Krakatau/archive1

Drama dari Krakatau
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like to bring it to FAC and am interested in getting feedback to help with the preparations.

Thanks, — Crisco 1492 (talk) 01:00, 6 February 2014 (UTC)

Comments from SchroCat
Hi Crisco, which variant of English is this in? Just want to check before I comment. Cheers - SchroCat (talk) 09:29, 7 February 2014 (UTC)
 * British English as written by a Canadian from the border of the US and living in a country where English is not standardized (i.e. let's try for British, although I recognise that it will be far from it in some instances). — Crisco 1492 (talk) 10:46, 7 February 2014 (UTC)

Pretty good stuff, all in all. I made a few copy edits: feel free to revert if you don't like them. Only one main issue with the article as it stands: I got a bit lost in the plot and needed to read it a couple of times before I got it. It may need a bit of a re-working for clarity.
 * I had a heck of a time summarizing it... are there any places which are more unclear than others, so that I can clarify? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:16, 10 February 2014 (UTC)

I'll give it another run through in a day or so. - SchroCat (talk) 21:50, 10 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Thanks. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:16, 10 February 2014 (UTC)

Further comments

I've done some further copy edits around and about: again, feel free to revert or re-edit as you feel fit.

Plot
 * I've made a fair few edits around this, as I tried writing out my thoughts and ended up with gibbering nonsense instead: it was easier to just do the edits and let you revert my rubbish later.
 * I like it! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:06, 11 February 2014 (UTC)


 * (What is it about Malay literature that means it must include a kidnapping, or attempted kidnapping?!)
 * Sure is an easy way to kick off the plot, I must say, and inherently dramatic. Even Boenga Roos dari Tjikembang and Sitti Nurbaya had female characters taken away from male characters against their will, although neither could be considered "kidnapping". I wouldn't be surprised if there was some influence from silat (martial arts) stories. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:06, 11 February 2014 (UTC)


 * "Moelia informs his father, revealed to be Hasan, of the eruptions, and the regent comes over to the former's home.": This one could probably do with some re-working—took me a second or two to remember who the regent was.
 * How's this? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:06, 11 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Yeah - looks much better! - SchroCat (talk) 23:48, 11 February 2014 (UTC)

Writing
 * "Kwee was known as a realist": Asks for a "whom?" tab to be put in there! As you follow up with (what looks like) a quote by the man himself, why not "Kwee considered himself a realist and thought it…"?
 * I don't think I've seen anyone say otherwise, but I agree that your phrasing works better with the "Themes" section. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:06, 11 February 2014 (UTC)

Hope these are OK, and that you don't mind that I've gone heavily into the ce rather than comment route! Cheers - SchroCat (talk) 20:30, 11 February 2014 (UTC)
 * I quite like it, actually. Nice and succinct. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:06, 11 February 2014 (UTC)

Comments from Tim riley
Very meagre gleanings, I'm afraid, though of course that's rather a compliment in its way.
 * Lead
 * "(vernacular Malay for Drama of Krakatoa) is a 1929 vernacular Malay novel" – "vernacular Malay twice" in one sentence is a bit of a jingle, but if it's unavoidable for accuracy, so be it
 * If another reviewer takes issue, I'll be glad to remove either the first or second instance. I agree, the repetition is nasty, but... — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * "the novel had already been performed on stage" – an adaptation of the novel
 * "adapted for the stage", perhaps? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Plot
 * "a short visit with Noesa Brama" – if you're going for BrEng, "with" and "visit" are rarely used together in these isles, except for nasty things: visited with a plague of boils, for example. I'd say "then briefly visits NB before returning home"
 * Sure thing. Done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * "the men then convince … Moelia convinces the police" – one of them might be "persuade" for variety. (Strictly in BrEng they should both be persuade, but I do not press the point. We persuade to but convince that. Ignore me. Just the old codger rumbling on.)
 * I trust this is acceptable? No more convincing ;) — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Spot-on. I'm both persuaded and convinced. Tim riley (talk) 16:22, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * "before the mountain erupts" but you've just told us it's already erupted.
 * Sorry, "erupts a second time".15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * "hoping that Noesa Brama will accept Moelia to be Retna Sari's husband" – I had to read this twice before getting your meaning: perhaps "hoping that Noesa Brama will consent to the marriage of Moelia and Retna Sari"?
 * Done, but would "consent to Moelia marrying Retna Sari" work better? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Grammatically you need a gerund in that formation: "consent to Moelia's marrying Retna Sar", which I think makes the prose bumpy. Sorry for pedantry, but you did ask. Tim riley (talk) 16:22, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Alright, thanks! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 16:32, 12 February 2014 (UTC)


 * Publication history and reception
 * adapting the 1972 spelling reform – adapting or adopting?
 * D'oh! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * "become king of the Baduy, before surrendering all his power to his daughter" – ambiguous. Perhaps, "become king of the Baduy; he then surrenders all his power to his daughter"
 * Agree and done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)

That's my lot. You know, one of the privileges and pleasures of reviewing for Wikipedia is running across subjects one knows nothing of and finding them absorbing. I know a lot more (still not much, but more nevertheless) about your topics, and mediaeval art, polar explorers, astronomy, railways and much else than I did before engaging in this marvellous enterprise. On to FAC. Please let me when I can look in there. – Tim riley (talk) 15:47, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Sure thing, and thank you for having a look at this (admittedly obscure; I doubt anyone else in my program has read the novel) topic. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 15:59, 12 February 2014 (UTC)

Cassianto comments
(Sliding into the empty seat at the back of the class, hoping not to be noticed by the nominator.) Sorry for my lateness :-/
 * "...in total he consulted 15 books, all in English or Dutch." – To clarify, were they mixed English/Dutch, definitely English, definitely Dutch or don't we know. I only ask as we seem so certain of the amount, yet so vague of the nationality.
 * I'd assume each individual book was either entirely English or entirely Dutch. Kwee was, by standards of the time, quite well educated, and neither language would have been a problem for him. He even used gratuitous English similar to what you'd find in more modern, popular works (though not nearly as often). — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:01, 13 February 2014 (UTC)


 * We are missing a full stop from the end of ref 16.
 * Got it! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:01, 13 February 2014 (UTC)

Annoyingly short review, owing to the stellar cast before me.  Cassianto Talk   19:51, 12 February 2014 (UTC)
 * Even then, thank you! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 00:01, 13 February 2014 (UTC)