Wikipedia:Peer review/Drew Barrymore/archive1

===Drew Barrymore===


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for July 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… I want to know what needs to be done, so the article can become an FA.

Thanks, --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:58, 12 July 2008 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Drew Barrymore/archive1. This is a fairly good article and one that I don't think will have too many issues at FAC. The main issue is its prose, which needs tweaking:
 * Comments from

Lead
 * ...American actress and film producer, the youngest member of the Barrymore family of American actors. Since both of these points in the lead are rather important, I would split them into two sentences.
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Barrymore made her screen debut in Altered States in 1980. Following her debut in Altered States...: to cut the repetition, how about "Following her 1980 screen debut in Altered States, she starred in her breakout role..." --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * She quickly became one of Hollywood's most recognized child actresses going on to establish herself in mainly comic roles. Comma after "actresses". --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * At the age of thirteen, Barrymore was checked into rehab, after drinking alcohol at the age of nine, smoking pot at the age of ten, and taking cocaine at the age of twelve. I would move "Barrymore was checked into rehab" to the end of this sentence for clarity.
 * Wouldn't it cut the fact that she entered rehab at thirteen? --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Has been fixed. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 01:22, 23 July 2008 (UTC)
 *  Though, she made her comeback in Wes Craven's horror film Scream. Remove "though"; it serves no purpose. How about, In 1996, she made..."? --   ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 *  Which was followed by 1998's romantic comedy: "This was followed..." --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 *  In 2000, Barrymore alongside Lucy Liu and Cameron Diaz starred in Charlie's Angels series reboot. I doubt that Liu and Diaz need to be mentioned in the lead.  Also, I would say that it's the film adaptation, not a "series reboot".  That doesn't exactly make sense. --   ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * In 1995, she along, Nancy Juvonen, formed a production company Flower Films. Since then, she has received a star in the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Barrymore appeared in the cover of People magazines 100 Most Beautiful issue. I'm confused because of the timeline here. Her production company came before her refound stardom, so it should be mentioned before Scream.  The "Since then" is also confusing because it makes it sound like the star is somehow connected to Flower Films, which I'm guessing it's not.  Also, where does the People list come into play?  What year?  Context?
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * There are a lot of "since then"s in the lead; variety is the spice of life. Subsequently? :) --   ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Her second marriage was to comedian Tom Green on July 2001, however, Green filed divorce in December 2001. "in July 2001", not "on". Also, reword the latter half; "which ended in divorce four months later"? --   ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:59, 17 July 2008 (UTC)

Early life
 * Barrymore was born in Culver City, California, the daughter of American actor John Drew Barrymore and Ildiko Jaid Barrymore (née Makó),[1][2] an aspiring actress born in a displaced persons camp in Brannenburg, West Germany to Hungarian World War II refugees. Perhaps a little too detailed for one sentence alone. Make "an aspiring..." onward a new sentence, perhaps?  Also, give a birthdate for Drew.
 * Added birthdate. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:05, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Her paternal great-great-grandfather, John Drew, the actor, was Irish-born, and immigrated to the United States, in the 19th century.[4] To get rid of some of those commas, how about "Her paternal great-great-grandfather, John Drew, was an Irish-born actor who immigrated to the United States in the 19th century." --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:05, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Her father and half-brother are also actors. Redundant as this has already been mentioned previously. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:05, 17 July 2008 (UTC)

Rise to fame
 * Barrymore's career began when she was eleven months old: she auditioned for a dog food commercial. Perhaps change to "Barrymore's career began when she auditioned for a dog food commercial at eleven months old". --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:37, 18 July 2008 (UTC)
 * She made her film debut in Altered States (1980). Any more info available about this? What was her role, etc?
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:51, 21 July 2008 (UTC)
 * A year later, she landed the role of Gertie in E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial... who is Gertie? A little context wouldn't hurt.
 * Again, I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:51, 21 July 2008 (UTC)
 * She received a Golden Globe nomination for Best Supporting Actress in 1984 for her role in Irreconcilable Differences. Again, what role? Even, what was the film about?
 * Added a little info. on her role in the film. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 16:51, 21 July 2008 (UTC)

Rebellious era
 * In the wake of this sudden stardom, Barrymore endured a notoriously troubled childhood, already a regular at the famed Studio 54 when she was a little girl, smoking cigarettes at age nine, drinking alcohol by the time she was eleven, smoking marijuana at twelve, and snorting cocaine at thirteen. Let's cut this up. Period after "childhood", "She was already a regular..." etc.
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 23:11, 17 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Barrymore later described this period of her life in her 1990 autobiography, Little Girl Lost. What did she write, exactly? Any quotes?  What does she remember?  Shame?  Sorrow?
 * Her nightlife and constant partying became a popular subject with the media. Who said what?

New image
 * Barrymore used her new-found role as a sex symbol... Whoa, wait. What new-found role?  The last thing is about her troubles, so when did she become a sex symbol?  It rather sounds like this section describes her evolving into a sex symbol, so perhaps the first sentence needs to be rewritten.  "In her late teens, Barrymore forged a new image..." or something?
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 03:06, 25 July 2008 (UTC)
 * I really love my body and the way it is right now". "There's something... Something odd is going on with the quotation marks here. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:23, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

Return to prominence
 * She made a comeback in the successful 1996 horror film Scream. Why is this a comeback? She received a Golden Globe nom back in 1993, so she obviously had work before Scream.  Explain? --   ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 03:40, 25 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Barrymore has continued to be highly bankable, and a top box office draw. This would be a good time to break out a "since then". :)
 * She has also produced several films, including Charlie's Angels (2000), a major box office success of 2000. Also mention that she starred in the film as well as produced it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:37, 18 July 2008 (UTC)
 * In the words of Yahoo! Movies: Is this quote truly necessary? Yahoo!Movies isn't exactly the most notable of media.
 * Has been removed. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:37, 18 July 2008 (UTC)
 * She was the subject of My Date with Drew: With most titles in this article, this needs to be explained. The 2005 documentary My Date with Drew.
 * I think I got it. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:37, 18 July 2008 (UTC)
 * She recently hosted... when? Events quickly become dated. --   ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 03:01, 25 July 2008 (UTC)
 *  It was announced on April 11, 2007 that Barrymore will become CoverGirl Cosmetic's newest model and spokeswoman: I saw her in a commercial the other day, so "will" is outdated. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:37, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

Personal life
 * Barrymore was married to Welsh bartender turned bar owner, Jeremy Thomas, from... no commas. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:26, 18 July 2008 (UTC)
 * that she had a romance with Barrymore in the middle 1990s: mid-nineties? --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 22:26, 18 July 2008 (UTC)

I suggest finding a copy-editor before FAC, even after the above has been addressed. I would be willing to give it a second read/c-e if needed. On a sidenote, it's a shame that none of the books listed under "Further reading" (especially Drew's autobiography) are used as sources; is there any chance of finding and using them in the future? If not, no biggie; it would be a huge plus in my book, however. :) Best of luck, María ( habla  con migo ) 17:30, 17 July 2008 (UTC)

Comments from
 * You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC.
 * I'm not sure that using a Yahoo Movies biography of a living person is the best sourcing we can get. A concern with Yahoo Movies is that they don't give their sources.
 * Has been removed. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 17:56, 21 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Current ref 38 "Jane Pratt Claims Drew Barrymore..." is lacking a publisher. Also, what makes this a reliable source?
 * Ref. has been replaced. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 17:56, 21 July 2008 (UTC)
 * What makes http://www.hollywood.com/ a reliable source?
 * Ref. has been replaced. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 17:56, 21 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Same for http://www.hollyscoop.com/
 * Ref. has been replaced. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 17:56, 21 July 2008 (UTC)
 * Current ref 40 (Drew Barrymore lesbian flings) Is lacking a publisher. Also, what makes this a reliable source?
 * Ref. has been replaced. --  ThinkBlue  (Hit BLUE) 17:56, 21 July 2008 (UTC)
 * You list five books in the further reading section, perhaps they might be used as sources to even out the heavy reliance on online sources?
 * Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 13:18, 20 July 2008 (UTC)