Wikipedia:Peer review/Dugong/archive2

Dugong
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I've put a lot of work into it recently, roughly guided by other related FA's such as Killer Whale, and would like to know how it could be further improved (to both GA and maybe FA). Any comments welcome, be it on information you think should be in the article but is missing, or prose problems.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, Chipmunkdavis (talk) 17:28, 7 April 2011 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Basically this is very interesting stuff, particularly as I know little or nothing of these creatures. However, prose and punctuation are erratic in places, which make the article quite difficult to understand at times. Sometimes an explanation in plain language is necessary, rather than a linked technical term. I have only been able to work through the lead and the first few sections; here are my initial comments, and I will try to provide more a little later.
 * The lead section does not as written seem to comply with WP:LEAD, which requires that the lead be a broad summary of the whole article. At present it is more an assembly of introductory facts, not all of which are reflected in the body of the text.
 * Is there a contradiction here: "four extant species of the Sirenia order" followed shortly by "The two extant families of Sirenians..."
 * "after which the dugong's..." Isn't this a simple plural, therefore no apostrophe? Then there's a clash with "its closest relative".
 * "the population of Southeast Asia are distinct from the others" → "the population of Southeast Asia is distinct from the others.
 * "The word "dugong" derives from the Tagalog term dugong which was in turn adopted from the Malay duyung, both meaning "lady of the sea."[14] Other common local names include "sea cow," "sea pig" and "sea camel." This information should be referenced in the lead, and should appear earlier in the article.
 * What does "fusiform" mean?
 * "to a brownish to dark grey with age". Some hyphens would help to clarify: "to a brownish-to-dark grey with age."
 * "A dugongs brain can reach only 300g..." I'd rephrase this: "A dugong's brain weighs a maximum of 300g..." (note apostrophe) You should also supply an imperial conversion. The word "entire" in the following phrase is unnecessary.
 * Explain momomorphic.
 * Another missing apostrophe: "A males testes..." There are more; this aspect of prose needs thorough attention.
 * "a sharply downturned premaxilla, which are..." "a" cannot be followed by "are"
 * "The dugong has two incisors (tusks) which grow posteriorly until puberty, after which they first erupt in males." What does this mean?
 * The "dental formula" is expressed in terms which are incomprehensible to the general reader.

Brianboulton (talk) 23:19, 22 April 2011 (UTC)