Wikipedia:Peer review/Evangelis Zappas/archive1

Evangelis Zappas
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review, perhaps it can be further improved to GA status. Any input would be appreciated! Regards.Alexikoua (talk) 09:17, 7 October 2009 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: I had hoped that this review might be short and simple, but that's not the case. The article needs a lot of work. I have only been through the first half, and there are multiple issues, as listed. I have done some copyediting going through, and corrected some of the more obvious prose errors and typos.
 * Lead: first paragraph
 * Do any of the multiple sources give Zappas's actual birth and death dates, as distinct from years? It is normal in biogs to include these, especially if the subject is "internationally known".
 * Zappas' exact death date added. Birth date was impossible to find.
 * On this very point, on what are you basing the statement that he is, or was, internationally known? Personally I'd never heard of him (not that that's decisive), and others I consulted confused him with the musicians Vangelis and/or Frank Zappa. So perhaps a softer "He is recognised today..." would be more discreet.
 * The remainder of this sentence is very clumsily worded, apart from the brackets and misused hyphens, and it gives the misleading impression that the Zappas Olympics are still a going concern. The sentence needs rephrasing, to  something like: "He is recognised today as the founder of the so-called Zappas Olympics, a Panhellenic version of the Games which ran between (year) and (year), preceding the later international Olympic Games."
 * Lead: second paragraph: A bit short; the lead is supposed to summarise all the content of the main article. Also, whereas you make a point of saying in the first paragraph that the games he founded were Panhellenic, you now say: "In 1859 he sponsored the first Olympic Games since ancient times and the first modern international Olympic Games" which sounds quite different.
 * They were not Panhellenic since participants attended from the Ottoman Empire and from Crete and neither the Ottoman Empire or Crete were part of Hellas. Nipsonanomhmata (talk) 03:26, 17 March 2010 (UTC)
 * Lead: second paragraph: A bit short; the lead is supposed to summarise all the content of the main article. Also, whereas you make a point of saying in the first paragraph that the games he founded were Panhellenic, you now say: "In 1859 he sponsored the first Olympic Games since ancient times and the first modern international Olympic Games" which sounds quite different.
 * They were not Panhellenic since participants attended from the Ottoman Empire and from Crete and neither the Ottoman Empire or Crete were part of Hellas. Nipsonanomhmata (talk) 03:26, 17 March 2010 (UTC)

I will complete the review when you have responded to these points. Please contact my talkpage, as I won't be watching this page. Brianboulton (talk) 20:56, 22 October 2009 (UTC)
 * Early years
 * Does it really require five citations to support the information on his place of birth and its being under Ottoman rule?
 * 5 reduced to 2.
 * Clumsy phrasing: "...left his village at the age of 13, due to his enrolment as a mercenary in the Ottoman army of Ali Pasha, the local ruler of Tepelena and then Ioannina." "Due to his enrolment as..." should be "and enrolled as...". Also, I'd end the sentence after "Ali Pasha" – the rest of the information is irrelevant for this article
 * ✅. Replaced it with "Ali Pasha, the local ruler."
 * He became "a member", not "member", and wars "break out", not "break up".
 * Neutral tone must be maintained, so best not use descriptions like "distinguished". Call him the "revolutionary leader".
 * "military personalities" is not a good description. "Military commanders"?
 * It's not sufficient to say he fought in "several battles". Mention at least a couple by name.
 * What are you trying to convey by using the adverb "characteristically"? It reads very non-neutrally – keep your personal feelings out of the article. I suggest you drop this sentence.
 * "It is said..." By whom? This wording implies a rumour. Surely the number of times Zappas was wounded is a matter of factual record than rumour?
 * ✅ (claimed by himself according to latter coresponse).
 * Career in Wallachia
 * Parentheses in the first sentence are unnecessary
 * The term "practical doctor" doesn't exist in idiomatic English. As you have linked this to "Physician" I assume you mean a medical practitioner. If so, how on earth did Zappas – who had no schooling, became a soldier at 13 and was heavily involved in his country's fight for independence until he was 30 – qualify as a doctor? It doesn't look feasible. I suggest you check back with your sources to see exactly what they say.
 * Term "practical doctor" replaced with that of folk healer, I believe this the correct term in english. Actually he didn't had an academic background. Historically, in Greece, suppose in other Balkan countries too, practicing medicine without the appropriate academic background was something usual in rural areas during the 19th century.
 * "possessing vast amounts of land..." Again, "possessing" is not idiomatic in this context. You might say "owning". But "vast amounts" is far too vague, without some indication of the actual size of his land holdings.
 * I've changed the part about 'vast amount of land' to: "made a fortune in real estate and farming, owning and renting farmlands and wheat mills in Romania.". Also added an estimation on his fortune in the section's end.
 * Last sentence: probably only the first part of the sentence is relevant - it could end after "East Europe" (which should be written as "Eastern Europe".
 * Image: Zappas mansion.JPG: This image appears to be in copyright. You will need to add a fair use rationale to the image page, explaining why this image is essential to furthering the reader's understanding of this article. I don't think any convincing rationale could be made, and it might be better to withdraw the image.
 * Image removed.
 * Image: Zappas mansion.JPG: This image appears to be in copyright. You will need to add a fair use rationale to the image page, explaining why this image is essential to furthering the reader's understanding of this article. I don't think any convincing rationale could be made, and it might be better to withdraw the image.
 * Image removed.
 * Image removed.

Actually, the article suffered recently from a minor edit war in the Olympic revival section and things were a bit tough to settle down. Hope the corrections I made, improved the quality of the article's first half enough.Alexikoua (talk) 19:56, 31 October 2009 (UTC)

A few comments on the remainder:-
 * Revival
 * "Meanwhile, sporadic references to the revival of the ancient Olympic Games were made by various personalities of that era,..." Suggest delete "meanwhile" and reword: "The idea of reviving the ancient Olympic Games had been raised form time to time during the early and mid 19th century,..."
 * "Moreover" is unnecessary. And what is a "romantic lecture"?
 * "For months there was no official answer from the Greek side." What is meant by "the Greek side"? Wasn't eveyone involved in these discussions (Zappas, Rangavis, Greek politicians, the King) Greek?
 * Second paragraph: "On November 15, 1859 the first modern revival of the athletic Olympic Games took place in Athens. This first Olympic Games was held in a city square in central Athens" Reword to "On November 15, 1859, the first modern Olymic revival of the athletic Olympic Games took place, in a city square in central Athens."
 * Suggest the last paragraph is amplified, to clarify that Zappas funded the rebuilding of the stadium which was used for his Games onlyafter his death.
 * Legacy
 * "The time Zappas died..." Ungrammatical. Presumably "After Zappas's death..."
 * Phrases such as "wholly due to the incompetence of the Greek government" are not admissable in a neutral encyclopedic article. This sentence is out of chronological order anyway. Suggest you delete it.
 * You should not refer to "the second Olympiad" and "the 1870 Olympic Games" without specifying that you are referring to Zappas's games.

I'm sorry, I simply don't have any more time to spend on this review. A quick glance through the rest of the article shows that much of the prose remains tangled, and will require the services of a good copyeditor to sort it out. A couple of other points: first, online sources need to be properly formatted, with (minimally) title, publisher, and access date. Secondly, questions may be asked about the reliability of sources such as this - who is the site's publisher, and why should they be taken as a reliable authority? Best wishes, Brianboulton (talk) 18:48, 1 November 2009 (UTC)