Wikipedia:Peer review/Evanna Lynch/archive1

Evanna Lynch
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… it was recently listed as a good article and I would like to know what needs fixing before it is ready for WP:FAC. Thanks! Alex Douglas (talk) 17:03, 5 August 2010 (UTC)

Comments by Sarastro1

Lead
 * Is the fact of her being a fan relevant to the lead?
 * No. Removed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "she was a source of friendly intimidation on the Harry Potter set." Aside from the clumsy "friendly intimidation", this does not seem important enough for the lead.
 * Agreed. Removed. Also, removed the rest of the second paragraph of the lead, because the article isn't substantial enough to warrant it. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)

Early life
 * "Her father works as a history teacher and deputy prinipal at Our Lady's College,[3][4] a Catholic school for girls in Drogheda, County Louth—which Evanna attended.[1]" Possibly rephrase to make Lynch the main focus: e.g. "She attended Our Lady's Catholic College in Drogheda, County Louth, where her father was (works?) deputy principal." (Not sure the fact he taught history is too important).
 * I have made Lynch the focus. And, removed the fact he taught history. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "Lynch became a prominent fan..." Prominent implies that she was known or stood out in some way as a fan at the time. Maybe just call her a fan.
 * She did stand out. See the reference -- a 2003 Drogheda Independent article (before she was cast) -- Evanna let out of hospital to get Potter book. Should I keep "prominent fan" or change it to "fan"? Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * I can't actually see the article as it is subscription. However, if she received a limited number signed edition, that may be worth mentioning. If you have access to the article, it may give a little more context, which may be useful. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:32, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * I don't have access to the article; I don't have a credit card. Alex Douglas (talk) 12:30, 14 August 2010 (UTC)


 * "She read the books several times" Too much? Maybe re-write the two sentences: "As a child, Lynch read the Harry Potter series and became a fan, sending letters to the author, J.K. Rowling." Harry Potter books series is clunky; the fact that she read them suggests they are books.
 * I agree. Changed to your suggestion. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "was released from hospital for the release of the fifth book" This is strange. What is the relevance of being in hospital, and it reads like she was in for a long time and was specially released for the book.
 * I don't know how long she was in hospital, what it was for, or if she was specially released for the book. I agree its strange. I honestly don't know what do with it -- I've removed it for now. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * See above, sounds important enough to include if you have all the info. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:32, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * I don't have access to the article; I don't have a credit card. Alex Douglas (talk) 12:30, 14 August 2010 (UTC)


 * "Also in her childhood, she had performed in school plays, but she had never acted professionally before the Harry Potter series" Maybe: She had never acted professionally before the Harry Potter series, her experience limited to school plays."
 * That sounds much better. Changed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)

Career
 * "In 2005, casting began for the role of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix,[10] the film adaptation of British author J. K. Rowling's bestselling novel and the fifth instalment in the Harry Potter film series.[11] The following year, casting agents found Lynch through a London casting call..." A little wordy. Perhaps "In 2006, agents discovered Lynch at an open casting call in London for the role of Luna Lovegood in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, the fifth film in the series adapted from the books."
 * That sounds much better. Changed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Are there any more details about the casting process?
 * Yes and I can source probably all of it. At the casting call, she waited in the line for four hours and there were an estimated 15 to 20000 auditionees. She went into a room with a portion of the auditionees and they were all asked to say their name and "where we came from". Two unnamed women then chose which people who were to continue on the casting process. And she continued through the process; she then got a call from "someone" that told asked her not to shave her eyebrows and told her that David Yates would call her the following Monday. She then did a screen test with Daniel Radcliffe (which assumingly went well). David Heyman later said she was 'not acting as Luna, but being Luna' (or atleast to a similiar effect.) // Then, she flew went back to Termonfeckin and got a call while shopping on her mobile phone from Fiona Weir who told her that she got the role. She had to keep it a "secret" for a week or so (before it was officially announced to the public by Warner Bros.) After the official announcement, she was escorted around Our Lady's College by bodyguards. That's about all I know, off my head. :) But, I've never seen an FA, or any biography of an actor, go into that much detail on their casting for a role, so I am unsure what to do about it. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Hmm. What about including details of the process (i.e. what she had to do) and any comments that people made on her performance. I think it is worth including (even for FA) as it is a very important part in her life so far. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:32, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Above, is everything I've read, from reliable sources over three months, about Lynch's casting for the role. Are you sure the article should mention that Lynch "had say her name and where she came from", and quote David Heyman -- "We had three girls that we're going to act Luna, but they weren't going to be Luna" rather than keep 'Producers were impressed with her affinity for the character'? Alex Douglas (talk) 12:30, 14 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Yes, keep the producers bit, but for instance, you could add the number who auditioned, how long she had to wait, who she did the screen test with, maybe the comment from Heyman, that she had to keep it secret before the announcement. Hmm, maybe not the last one, but I think a few more details would show what she had to go through to get the role and in my view, add to the article. --Sarastro1 (talk) 19:33, 14 August 2010 (UTC)
 * I have (finally) added the number who auditioned, how long she had to wait, who she did the screen test with and the comment from Heyman to the first paragraph in the Career section. :) Alex Douglas (talk) 05:52, 27 August 2010 (UTC)


 * "...and producers were impressed by her affinity with the character.[12] After a subsequent screen test, casting director Fiona Weir told Lynch that she had been cast for the role.[8] Rowling supported Lynch from the film's production, calling her "perfect" for the role.[13]" Wordy again. Perhaps "Producers were impressed with her affinity for the character, and she was cast following a screen test. Rowling believed that Lynch was perfect for the role."
 * That sounds much better. Changed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Possibly clarify Rowling's role here as it reads like she was part of the casting process.
 * Added "Although uninvolved in the casting process, " to "Rowling believed that Lynch was perfect for the role" for clarification. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "Lynch was appreciative of the role Luna played, calling her character "funny and really honest" and "a breath of fresh air".[14]" Possibly cut this to "Lynch enjoyed playing the role."
 * Changed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "($984.7 million in current year dollars)" I don't think it is necessary to add this as it wasn't that long ago.
 * Changed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "Both the film[22] and her performance..." The information on the film is not necessary for this article.
 * Changed "Both the film[22] and her performance were well received:" to "Her performance was well received:". Alex Douglas (talk)
 * "She was nominated for two awards..." Which awards and by whom? It names them in the filmography but really should say so here.
 * Changed to "She was nominated for the Scream Award for Best Supporting Actress and Young Artist Award for Supporting Young Actress for her performance in Half-Blood Prince" Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Any info on who nominated her? i.e. the public, writers, critics, etc? --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:32, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Nope, only that she was nominated. Judging by the nomination process of the Young Artist Awards (1 and 2), I think Evanna or her parents might have nominated her. I'm not sure about the Scream Awards, perhaps Spike (TV channel) executives, perhaps not. Alex Douglas (talk) 12:30, 14 August 2010 (UTC)

Personal life
 * "Lynch attended Cartown National School, a public primary school in Termonfeckin, County Louth, until June 2004 and then moved to Our Lady's College, a Catholic school for girls, in Drogheda, County Louth.[31][1]" Move this to the Early life section, and make sure the refs are in numerical order.
 * Moved to the Early life section. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * What was she tutored in on set?
 * The reference does not state it and I've never seen any reference that has; presumably studying for GCSE or A levels though (as Emma Watson and Rupert Grint did.) Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "friendly intimidation" Can this be rephrased? Or removed?
 * Removed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "This knowledge also led to her being consulted by producers on the films' artistic aspects.[4]" This sounds slightly implausible. Which film? And would producers on such a big film consult a supporting character aged below 18? The ref doesn't really support it either: she had designed the ear-rings and the producers asked her about the house, but I'm still not convinced.
 * For Deathly Hallows apparently. It's sketchy. Removed. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * "helped design" Ref 4 does not really support this; does the DVD?
 * Pretty confident, the DVD says that she worked on designing the look of the CGI lion head hat that she wore in Half-Blood Prince. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)

Other
 * Images seem fine but I'm no expert.
 * Cool. Also, I've removed the image from "personal life" because the content is not lengthy enough to support it. Alex Douglas (talk)
 * Refs ok, but DVD/mp3 ones could do with a time reference.
 * Sounds like a good idea. But how? I've never seen anything like that done before. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Actually, I'm not sure I have either, I'm confusing myself! Forget that one. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:32, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Alrite, sure. Alex Douglas (talk) 12:30, 14 August 2010 (UTC)


 * Ref 22 is a redirect.
 * Ref 22 removed as the fact that the film was well received is unimportant to this article. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * The article seems very brief, mainly as she is so young and her acting experience is so limited. It could do with more details of her life if possible.
 * It is brief, but it has everything (apart from casting and unencylopediac suff--like her pet names or bedroom wall color) that reliable sources have ever mentioned--I've been looking for sources for three months. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * A bit more on her acting would be good: has anyone done a more thorough review of her role?
 * Not that I'm aware of. Most reviews just mention her in passing (or note that she is a fan or cast from an open casting call), and so I've used notable film critics' reviews. It's not a "massive" or "minor" role by any means--her scenes are just 'engaging' because her character is eccentric, which is probably half the reason reviews even mention her at all. Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Fair enough on the last two points. --Sarastro1 (talk) 20:32, 13 August 2010 (UTC)

I think there is a bit more to do before FAC, but these are the main things I can see as a starting point. --Sarastro1 (talk) 11:17, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Thank you very much for reviewing this article; I greatly appreciate it. It is the first article I have wrote properly, and I did it almost single-handedly; so I needed it. :) Thanks! Alex Douglas (talk) 13:40, 13 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks again for the review. It feels as though the article is moving somewhere. :) Thanks! Alex Douglas (talk) 12:30, 14 August 2010 (UTC)
 * I believe I have resolved all your comments. Thanks! Alex Douglas (talk) 07:03, 30 August 2010 (UTC)

Request to reviewers: could you take a look at new sentences I've added and changes I've made, and their new sources.


 * Added: the third sentence of the fourth paragraph in the Career section: "She will again reprise her role in the first of the film's two tie-in video games: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part I." Note: whether or not she will reprise her role in the second of the film's two tie-in video games, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II (video game), hasn't yet been mentioned/sourced/commented/revealed/etc. Alex Douglas (talk) 05:28, 3 September 2010 (UTC)


 * Added: the second sentence of the second paragraph in the Personal life section: "She has also recorded an abridged audiobook version of Claire Keegan's short story Foster." It was broadcast in three parts from 31 August to 2 September 2010 on "Afternoon Reading" on BBC Radio 4. How much detail should we go into? Alex Douglas (talk) 05:28, 3 September 2010 (UTC)


 * Added: the fourth sentence of the second paragraph in the Personal life section: "She launched the Multiple Sclerosis Society of Ireland's MS Readathon in 2010, a fundraiser that also promotes literacy." I thought it was unnecessary to mention that the Multiple Sclerosis Society of Ireland was a "non-profit organisation that helps people with multiple sclerosis" do it is obviousness and the common precense of multiple sclerosis societies internationally. Alex Douglas (talk) 05:28, 3 September 2010 (UTC)


 * Changed: the third sentence of the lead: "From 2007 to 2009, she starred in two Harry Potter films and their tie-in video games; she will return for the final film and the first of the film's two tie-in video games." Is that clear? Alex Douglas (talk) 05:28, 3 September 2010 (UTC)