Wikipedia:Peer review/Everything That Happens Will Happen Today/archive2

Everything That Happens Will Happen Today
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I was told that it's close to FA quality but not quite there. I've nominated it four times now and already had one other peer review and I really just want to be done with this. I've done FA/FL work before and I honestly don't know what else I need to do, except maybe have someone look at my prose--it's always my weakest area of contribution.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, —Justin ( koavf ) ❤T☮C☺M☯ 19:32, 28 May 2012 (UTC)

THR review

Background section:
 * The first sentence makes a noteworthy event out of an announcement, but it's really the work we care about. Why not start the section this way: "The genesis of David Byrne and Brian Eno's first collaborative album since MLitBoG (1981) was a discussion between the pair [at a dinner party] in 2006."? Byrne's description of the album could be moved somewhere else.
 * Not done Actually, announcing the album was itself a big deal as the two hadn't worked together in a quarter-century and had done some of the work for two years without even mentioning it. Then, they announce it more-or-less right before it's released. The way that it was recorded, announced, promoted, and marketed is a part of the story.
 * The announcement may have been a big deal, but not in a section discussing the genesis of the album. Here, it's just an explicit mention of the source for the rest of the sentence and only gets in the way.  Two Hearted River  ( paddle /  fish ) 12:18, 18 June 2012 (UTC)


 * "...to songs that he had written and intended to finish..." – How about "...to some of his unfinished songs..."?
 * Done.


 * "...but as they progressed, they felt confident enough..." – How about "...but eventually felt confident enough..."?
 * Done.


 * The last sentence of the first paragraph is made redundant by my first suggestion, although "the two had discussed making an album together for several years" could be salvaged.
 * Why all the non-breaking spaces in the links?
 * Non-breaking spaces are included to keep things that should be together from being line-wrapped. Sometimes, that's in links, but usually not.
 * I understand the purpose of non-breaking spaces, but you go far beyond what I've seen done elsewhere and the examples at WP:NBSP. What makes you think the reader will have trouble if "BBC Radio", "The Weekender", etc., are broken at the end of lines?  Two Hearted River  ( paddle /  fish ) 12:18, 18 June 2012 (UTC)


 * "Byrne visited Eno's London studio to listen to the rough mixes of his demos..."
 * Done.


 * "...and the two decided to collaborate to finish writing the songs, leaving Eno and Peter Chilvers to convert a variety of digital music formats into MIDI, thereby stripping out extraneous information and making them suitable for Byrne to embellish." – I'm not seeing this in the cited NYT article.
 * " although Byrne confessed that he was initially "terrified" at writing lyrics for the demos " – this is covered two paragraphs later
 * Done.


 * "...and agreed that if the project was not enjoyable for both of them, they would abandon it."
 * Done.


 * "The duo decided to remain low-key about the project and not [to] announce their new collaboration..."
 * Done.

Composition section: Themes section: Back with more later.  Two Hearted River  ( paddle /  fish ) 15:21, 1 June 2012 (UTC)
 * I usually find this kind of stuff interesting, but the section was boring to read. Too much unnecessary detail; not enough brevity. I recommend cutting it by at least a third.
 * Same as the Composition section. Could use a good trimming before we fine tune.