Wikipedia:Peer review/Exhale (Shoop Shoop)/archive1

Exhale (Shoop Shoop)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like someone else to go through the article to see if it's really good. I would like to nominate it for an FA later too. Thanks, Novice7 (talk) 14:31, 25 May 2011 (UTC)


 * Comments by Bradley0110

I haven't done a review of a music article before so please bear with me. Overall it's a good article; the topic is well covered without overdetailing and there is a good mix of free and non-free media. However, the grammar and language could be tightened up and clarified in some places:


 * In the Background section: ", adapted from the novel of the same name by Terry McMillan." This either requires a "which was" between the comma and adapted or removing altogether (mashing clauses together doesn't always look good and the original novel is never mentioned again in the article).
 * "and also the accompanying soundtrack." The "also" can be dropped here.
 * "Though Babyface visited the set of the film, Houston was determined not to record songs for the soundtrack." I don't understand the conjuction; was Babyface's set visit a gesture of goodwill that Houston shunned? If so this should be clarified and if not it should be clarified. I notice this sentence came up in the GAN review and the construction of it has not changed much.
 * Composition section: "...while Kyle Anderson of MTV..." The use of "while" implies their opinions came at the same time. A simple "and" suffices here.
 * Critical reception: This section has a good cross-section of opinion, however it is a bit of a laundry list ("so-and-so said this, so-and-so said that") and has quite a high number of quotes (I know from writing TV and bio articles that it is difficult to get across a critic's opinion without using the full quote). You've paraphrase the last half of the section well but the first half may be a stumbling block at FAC.
 * Chart performance: The first sentence would run a bit better if "the issue dated November 25, 1995" was put in brackets and "with 125,000 copies sold" was changed to "and sold 125,000 copies".
 * "In other countries, the single performed moderately on the chart" an s and a semi-colon here obviously (incidentally, does the assessment of its "moderate" success come from a source, or is it just surmised from the following paragraph?).
 * "However, in few other countries, the song managed to reach only the top forty;" Is number one not within the top 40? "the song did not reach the top twenty" would be better.
 * Live performances section: "Houston used the song throughout the entire run of her The Pacific Rim Tour (1997)." Source?
 * "She later performed it during the entire run of her My Love Is Your Love World Tour (1999)" Source?
 * "The song was included in the set list of her Nothing but Love World Tour (2010) promoting her seventh studio album, I Look to You (2009)." Source?
 * References: Ref 7 - I believe Cablevision did not publish the Newsday article in 1995 as they only bought the paper a couple of years ago. This should be checked along with other references to articles contemporary to the song's release.

This was an overall pleasant article to read and aside from the above issues is not far off a FAC nomination. WP:GOCE may also be able to help with the language. Bradley0110 (talk) 16:44, 8 June 2011 (UTC)
 * Thank you Bradley, for such a thorough review. I'll start fixing the issues soon. Novice7 (talk) 09:26, 9 June 2011 (UTC)