Wikipedia:Peer review/Fakih Usman/archive2

Fakih Usman
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I want to polish it better for FAC. I have been unable to find very much on Fakih, and this is definitely the best English-language source on the individual, so I think prose would be the main point of concern.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, — Crisco 1492 (talk) 12:48, 21 October 2013 (UTC)

Comments from SchroCat
A few copyedits here and there: nothing major, but please feel free to correct any errors or revert anything that you don't like.

Lead
 * "In his early years Fakih was criticised by conservative Muslims for his involvement with the modernist Islamic organisation Muhammadiyah, but today remains warmly remembered by the organisation." If he was criticised, he can't remain warmly remembered: did the "thaw" in opinion take place during his lifetime or afterwards?
 * No, the critics were anti-Muhammadiyah. Muhammadiyah is a separate entity.

Work with the Muhammadiyah
 * "the group was formally recognised": by who?
 * the central Muhammadiyah administration

More to follow – SchroCat (talk) 09:17, 22 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks for reviewing! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 09:22, 22 October 2013 (UTC)

Second batch:

Early Life
 * "and his housewife mother": who's "his"? The previous "he" was Usman Iskandar.
 * How so? "His" in the first instance in this sentence is still Fakih. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)

Work with the Muhammadiyah
 * "transferred to the branch in Surabaya": was the Surabaya branch larger or more important? I think it would probably help explain his rise in importance.
 * Source doesn't say membership, but Surabaya is easily the biggest city in East Java (and has been for quite a while). Noted comparative size of city. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)

Masyumi
 * "General Hein ter Poorten capitulated": did they capitulate, or did they surrender the territory to the Japanese?
 * Added a clause. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "Fakih worked with Masjkur and Zainul Arifin to start an armed resistance using the Japanese-trained Islamic units Sabilillah and Hizbullah, with Fakih": Fakih ... Fakih this could be re-phrased slightly to avoid the repetition
 * How's this? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "When the Natsir Cabinet began collapsing and Masyumi put forth Fakih as a potential Minister for Religious Affairs – an act which was controversial because four of the five allocated slots for the party were already filled by non-NU members – the NU pulled out of Masyumi, effective 5 April 1952": this is quite long and a little convoluted and I took a couple of readings before I got to grips with it properly. You could split out the sub-clause into a second sentence and rework the remainder slightly.
 * How's this? — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)

Further work and death
 * "Fakih spearheaded the magazine": I'm not sure about "spearhead": did he launch the magazine, or was he editor (or both)?
 * Done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)

All good – and an interesting read! Cheers - SchroCat (talk) 09:45, 24 October 2013 (UTC)

Comments by Wehwalt

 * Lede
 * "in these Islamic groups and politics during the Japanese occupation" Does "Islamic" modify "politics" or no? Suggest a tweak
 * Reworked — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Early etc.
 * "the children were unable to receive an education at Dutch-run schools" hm, maybe "ineligible" rather than "unable"
 * Better word, done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Masyumi
 * "On 9 March 1942—after the Japanese occupied the Indies earlier that year—" the dashes and "earlier that year" make these events sound almost unconnected, when they of course are quite the opposite
 * Didn't think of that. Reinserting original text. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * I think you should say why the organisation reformed so promptly.
 * Will try to find information. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Found it. Seems to have been "Okay, just one organisation". — Crisco 1492 (talk) 06:15, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * " the outbreak of a battle at Surabaya" This is rather out of the blue. You had just told us of peace, and government coming to the Indies. What war? Looking ahead, it's quite a ways before you let people know who they are fighting.  The non-Indonesian will make heavy weather of this.
 * Added a bit of context. Surabaya was one of the first major battles between Republican forces and Europeans (the Japanese and Indonesians had clashed in Semarang and some other places). Do you think a more detailed footnote is required? That the Dutch had returned to the Indies, at least in Jakarta, wouldn't flow as well. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * "included handling the large number of hajj pilgrims who left Indonesia yearly" Can this be more elegantly stated?
 * Tried rephrasing. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * " 1955 Constituent Assembly election, Fakih was made a member of the Constitutional Assembly of Indonesia." Can the first Constituent Assembly be buried in a pipe?
 * Not a good idea as 1955 was also a year of national elections. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * "spearheaded" It's unclear what is meant here. Did he found it or take over an ongoing organisation?
 * Got it. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Well done as usual, an interesting read.--Wehwalt (talk) 01:14, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Thanks! — Crisco 1492 (talk) 05:40, 25 October 2013 (UTC)

Comments from Sarastro

 * "He served as the Minister of Religious Affairs on two occasions, first under the Halim Cabinet in the State of the Republic of Indonesia in 1950, then in the national government during the Wilopo Cabinet from 1952 to 1953.": Some redundancy. Perhaps "He twice served as the Minister of Religious Affairs: under the Halim Cabinet in the State of the Republic of Indonesia in 1950, and in the national government during the Wilopo Cabinet from 1952 to 1953."
 * I like this wording. Changed. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "...which remembers him warmly.": Can an organisation remember? Or does it commemorate?
 * A commemoration would imply celebrations. I haven't found a "Fakih Usman Day" or anything of the like. I can't really think of another word. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "In 1925 he became involved with Muhammadiyah, rising quickly through the leadership until he became the head of the Surabaya branch in 1938; he was also active in local politics.": I'm not sure the link between these two parts really warrants the use of a semi-colon. They seem quite disconnected.
 * Split. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * There are several consecutive sentences beginning "he" at the end of the lead, which makes it a bit choppy.
 * Tried rewriting. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "his housewife mother": Seems a bit forced, and almost tabloidy, to use housewife as an adjective.
 * Reworked. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "The couple, who were of modest means, had four other children; the family's lack of a noble background meant the children were ineligible to receive an education at Dutch-run schools.": Again, I'm not too sure about the semi-colon as the two parts don't seem especially linked, and wonder if the clause after it may be better moved to the following sentence, which is also about education.
 * Reworked. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "At the age of ten he began studying at a pesantren (Islamic boarding school) in Gresik, finishing in 1918.": I wonder would a range work better. E.g. From the age of ten until he was fourteen, or From 1914 until 1918..." But not essential.
 * Changed to "four years later. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "The following year he continued his studies at several pesantren outside the city, including in rural Gresik and in nearby Bungah": "including in" seems a bit uncomfortable. What about "including those in..."?
 * "ones", but okay. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "Fakih's father brought him into the trading business": What trading business? The family's business?
 * Yes, at least initially. Tried reworking. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * Can we briefly state what Muhammadiyah stood for, to save lazy readers clicking the link?
 * "Through his work with the Gresik branch, Fakih became better known and later transferred to the branch in Surabaya, a much larger city": branch...branch
 * "Through his work with the Gresik branch, Fakih became better known and later transferred to the branch in Surabaya, a much larger city; in 1929 he was also chosen to sit on that city's council.": Maybe avoid some redundancy: "Through his work with the Gresik branch, Fakih became better known and later transferred to the branch in Surabaya, a much larger city where, in 1929, he was chosen to sit on the city council." But may not be an improvement.
 * How's this? (Goes for the two questions above this comment) — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "For the period of 1932 to 1936": Maybe better as "from 1932 to 1936"
 * Done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "However, conservative Muslims disapproved of Fakih's work": Why? It's not quite clear from the article why they would.
 * It had to do with Muhammadiyah itself, not necessarily Fakih as a person. I will pull together a footnote to address your issue above which will also include information regarding conservative Muslims' disapproval. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 22:43, 25 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Have added the footnote. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:15, 25 October 2013 (UTC)

More to follow. Sarastro1 (talk) 19:57, 25 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "After the Japanese occupied the Indies in early 1942, on 9 March 1942 ": Do we need to say both "early" AND the date?
 * Tried reworking that sentence. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "It was reformed on 5 September 1942 following a meeting of 30 ulamas in the Des Indes Hotel in Jakarta and given official recognition by the occupation government, which allowed it to continue as the sole Islamic organisation in the country.": Maybe this sentence is a touch long?
 * shortened. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)


 * In the Masyumi section, I get a bit lost with the Indonesian history. British, Republican and Dutch forces are mentioned but not explained. As I'm far too lazy to follow links (!), could a touch more context be added to these events?
 * Doing... — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)
 * Done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:40, 26 October 2013 (UTC)
 * The new section seems perfect, and does the exact job that I had in mind. Sarastro1 (talk) 23:42, 26 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "the Indonesian and Dutch governments held a several-month long conference": I've a nasty feeling it should be "several-month-long", which looks bad but is probably right. And should it be "month" or "months"? Perhaps rephrasing somehow may be better.
 * Just rephrased, much simpler. Though several-month-long seems right. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "When the Natsir Cabinet began collapsing and Masyumi put forth Fakih as a potential Minister for Religious Affairs.": Something a bit off here. What about "When the Natsir Cabinet began to collapse, Masyumi put forth Fakih as a potential Minister for Religious Affairs."
 * D'oh! Done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)


 * Do we know what his illness was?
 * Sources don't say :-( — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "Fachruddin would serve as chairman for 24 years.": Any reason this can't be "served" instead of "would serve"?
 * Agree. Done. — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)


 * "Former Muhammadiyah chairman Ahmad Syafi'i Maarif described Fakih as the "calm, cleansing water"[c] who served as a calming influence for Muhammadiyah when the organisation was in turmoil": We have "calm" twice here, inside the quote and out of it.
 * Have replaced "calm" with "tranquil" in the quote (as the quote is in Indonesian and such a translation still accurate, completely allowable) — Crisco 1492 (talk) 23:11, 26 October 2013 (UTC)

That's everything from me. I followed it all fairly well, although some of the Indonesian history loses me a little at times. Perhaps a little more context would help, but not a huge deal if you don't think it would help, or would be too complicated for this article. Nice work as usual. Sarastro1 (talk) 21:53, 26 October 2013 (UTC)
 * The new section added allays my minor concerns over context. Good stuff. Sarastro1 (talk) 23:42, 26 October 2013 (UTC)