Wikipedia:Peer review/French Revolution/archive1

French Revolution
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… well it seems perfect.

Thanks, ADI4094 16:47, 14 May 2013 (UTC)

Comments by AustralianRupert: G'day, I only had a quick look as it is not a subject I know a lot about, but I looked at it from the perspective of what I would expect to see at GAN or FAC.
 * at five paragaphs, the lead is too long. My understanding is that the MOS asks for no more than four, so it might be best to role one paragraph into another;
 * there appears to be a mixture of both US English spelling and British English, for instance "laborers", "behavior", "favor" and "neighboring" (US), but "favour" and "organise" (British) (these aren't the only examples). Either is probably fine, so long as it is consistent;
 * as the table of contents is quite long, there is a lot of whitespace below the lead. You might consider using a TOC limiter such as TOC limit;
 * be careful of overlinking per WP:REPEATLINK. The duplicate link checker tool reports a number of repeatlinks, such as: American Revolutionary War, Jacques Necker, Parlement, Assembly of Notables, Tennis Court Oath, Ancien Regime, Hotel de Ville, Estates General (France), National Assembly (French Revolution), and others...
 * the referencing probably should be expanded (this is probably the main area that needs improvement if you want to take it to GAN or FAC). Currently there are a number of paragraphs that seem uncited. For instance:
 * the paragraph ending in "Faced with a financial crisis, the king called an Assembly of Notables in 1787 for the first time in over a century."
 * the sentence ending in "at least 25 years of age, who resided where the vote was to take place and who paid taxes."
 * the paragaph ending in "Necker overplayed his hand by demanding and obtaining a general amnesty, losing much of the people's favour"
 * the entire "Working toward a constitution" section;
 * the end of this paragraph: "They also demanded an end to royal efforts to block the National Assembly, and for the King and his administration to move to Paris as a sign of good faith in addressing the widespread poverty."
 * this sentence: "On 6 October 1789, the King and the royal family moved from Versailles to Paris under the "protection" of the National Guards, thus legitimizing the National Assembly."
 * this sentence (which is already tagged as needing a citation): "The persecution of the Church led to a counter-revolution known as the Revolt in the Vendée, whose suppression is considered by some to be the first modern genocide"
 * the first, second and fourth paragraphs in the "Intrigues and radicalism" section;
 * the first two paragaphs in the "Royal flight to Varennes" section;
 * the paragraph ending: "Danton fled to England; Desmoulins and Marat went into hiding."
 * the sentences tagged as needing citations in the "Failure of the constitutional monarchy" section;
 * this sentence: "The invading Prussian army faced little resistance until checked at the Battle of Valmy (20 September 1792), and forced to withdraw."
 * the entire "War and Counter-Revolution (1792–1797)" section;
 * the paragraph ending: "On 17 August, the Convention voted for general conscription, the levée en masse, which mobilized all citizens to serve as soldiers or suppliers in the war effort."
 * the first paragaph of the "The guillotine as a symbol" section;
 * the paragraph ending: "On the other hand, the socialist conspiracy of Babeuf was easily quelled. Little was done to improve the finances, and the assignats continued to fall in value."
 * this sentence: "The Liberty Tree serves as a constant celebration of the spirit of political freedom."
 * the paragaph ending in: "These connotations made Hercules an easy choice to represent the powerful new sovereign people of France."
 * this sentence: "Even before Léon, some liberals had advocated equal rights for women including women's suffrage. Nicolas de Condorcet was especially noted for his advocacy, in his articles published in the Journal de la Société de 1789, and by publishing De l'admission des femmes au droit de cité ("For the Admission to the Rights of Citizenship For Women") in 1790."
 * the paragraph ending in: "While little progress was made toward gender equality during the Revolution, the activism of French feminists was bold and particularly significant in Paris"
 * the paragraph ending in: "They set precedents for generations of feminists to come."
 * this sentence: "They took it upon themselves to protect the Church from what they saw as a heretical change to their faith, enforced by revolutionaries."
 * the paragraph ending in: "After the upheaval of the revolutionary period, the reestablishment of the Church was seen by many people as a welcome return to normalcy."
 * I hope these comments help a little. Good luck with taking the article further. Regards, AustralianRupert (talk) 01:04, 24 May 2013 (UTC)

This is a long article and I shall need several goes at peer reviewing it. First batch of comments: That's all for the moment. More comments to follow after you've pondered the above. – Tim riley (talk) 10:06, 12 June 2013 (UTC)
 * Comments from Tim riley
 * Spelling
 * You use English spelling (e.g. "organised") and American ("organized"). Be consistent.
 * Lead
 * WP:OVERLINK – France. The article would benefit if you reviewed it asking yourself what use each blue link would be to your readers. For example, linking " spectacular French victories" to "Military history of France" (a 10,000-word article) or "modern France" to "modern France" (a non-existent article) is unlikely to be of practical use to anybody.
 * " The first year of the Revolution saw…" Do years see? A touch journalistic in formation, perhaps.
 * "King Louis XVI" – no need to give him his job title at second mention
 * "all mark their birth during the Revolution" – do you mean they all originated then?
 * Causes
 * First para – 200 words with not a citation in sight. It won't survive FAC. This is a persistent fault throughout the article. Broadly, for FA, any substantive statement in the main text, unless glaringly obvious, needs a citation.
 * Second para – opening sentence needs a comma to close the subordinate clause. Two sentences in succession begin "While".
 * "Much needed" – needs a hyphen
 * Last para – jingling repetitions of "resentment" and "aspirations"
 * Estates-General of 1789
 * "Pour être électeur …" – pointless having this in a box-quote: those who speak French will see that it merely repeats what you have already said in English, and those who don't will wonder what it means.
 * Necker asserted that each estate verify credentials – not sure what this is meant to mean
 * Storming of the Bastille
 * Far too many uncited statements in this section; there is even a whole para with no refs at all.
 * "cease fire" – two words or one?
 * Sixth para – why leave the wl to the second mention of "counter-revolution(ary)"?