Wikipedia:Peer review/Freshman fifteen/archive1

Freshman fifteen
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because…it is in need of comments to develop it for a school project. Thanks.

Auntieruth55
Just some points to make. It's more than a good start, and I'll look forward to seeing how you improve it. Auntieruth55 (talk) 19:59, 22 March 2010 (UTC)
 * Prose. The prose on this is generally quite good. It still needs some proofreading and tweaking.  Try reading Tony1's advice here. Although he's generally discussing Featured Article criteria, his suggestions apply to writing well.  this sentence in particular is confusing: However, despite some disagreement[26] that the number is that high, there is some evidence[27] that this term used to be "freshman 10", and the increase in the number reflects the increase in the weight gained in the first year.  That whole section could use some expansion.  This sentence is also confusing: Nicole L. Mihalopoulos and colleagues developed at a private university in the Northeastern United States where they tested freshmen college students who lived on campus. .  they developed what at a private university in the northeastern United States?
 * Citations. Although your cites are consistently done, they would be improved by wikification of the links.
 * Enhancements. Pictures would be good. Do you have charted data that would help to illustrate in visual terms some of your textual material? There is a lot of text without any break, and that makes it more difficult to read.
 * Ambiguous interwiki links. There are twelve, and these need to actually direct to the proper page.
 * External links. A few are dead, several are redirects, and several link directly to a secured site.  While that is okay, it's important to make sure that those citations are well documented so that someone else can find them without linking to the article you used.