Wikipedia:Peer review/GLaDOS/archive1

GLaDOS
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because, after recently expanding it exponentially, I would like to give it a good ol' GA push [in spite of my less-than-great writing ability]. Thanks, The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 08:22, 14 August 2010 (UTC)


 * Took a once-over and didn't find much. A few disambigs, the need to use Template:Cite web on some refs, and the concept art needs to be shrunk 20-30%.  --Teancum (talk) 12:53, 17 August 2010 (UTC)
 * What about the reception? For some of it, I just kinda randomly placed it, so I get the impression that I should rearrange it so the content fits better. - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 18:31, 17 August 2010 (UTC)


 * Kaguya-chan's comments

Lead Description
 * "GLaDOS (Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System) is a fictional character in the [2007] Valve Software video game Portal." I think year of release would help here.
 * Done.
 * neuro-toxin ---> neurotoxin
 * Done.
 * "player's character" is a little odd. Personally, I would rewrite it as player-character/player character, but then again I have very little experience with video game articles.
 * Done.
 * "He found it hilarious, stating that people were finding lines funnier just by the virtue of being spoken through this."
 * Done.
 * "He found that play testers were more motivated to complete a chamber with her guiding them." I'm guessing Wolpaw?
 * Wolpaw seems to find a lot of things, any other verbs?
 * Done.
 * You've mentioned that Ellen McLain voiced GLaDOS twice now. I would do away with "...and was voiced by Ellen McLain" in the second sentence
 * Done.
 * "The physical appearance of GLaDOS had gone through several redesigns, including one of a large disk below her[,] before she was given a body." seems lost right after the part about the song. Perhaps, put it with the part about GLaDOS' development?
 * Done.
 * "She has been described as a narcissist, passive-aggressive, sinister, and witty, amongst other descriptors ."
 * Done.
 * "Ellen McLain was chosen to voice GLaDOS, who [and] had to imitate the text-to-speech program using her own voice. " Sounded like GLaDOS was doing the voice-imitating.
 * Done.
 * "The song has been met with success and popularity, appearing as a song in the Rock Band series." Already know it's a song.
 * Done.
 * It has no sources and no ref for that quote. :( (However, she also has a fully-functional disk operating system, and is described as being "arguably alive.")
 * "Her personality has been described as passive-aggressive, witty, and sinister." By whom?
 * "For much of Portal, GLaDOS is a voice which acts as a narrator and guide for the players' character, Chell." Twice this has been mentioned in the body (well not the Chell part, but still that could be worked into the section somehow)
 * Done.
 * If you can't find any reliable third-party refs, than you could cite quotes and stuff from the game (like the manual if it has a character section about GLaDOS).

Appearances
 * Again, it has no refs for appearances. And another quote with no ref. (he AI claims that the regular test chamber is unavailable due to "mandatory scheduled maintenance".)
 * That quote is from the game, rather than a person. I should probably unquote it.
 * "A mechanical arm descends and extinguishes the cake's candle, suggesting that GLaDOS is still alive[, which] [t]he end song, "Still Alive", confirms that she is still alive ."
 * Done.
 * "Apparently dormant, she is awoken by Chell (who was placed in stasis over the centuries) and immediately vows to get her revenge on Chell for killing her." but if she didn't die (like the previous paragraph stated), how could she get her revenge for being killed?
 * In response to the comment of how she could be killed without having died, it is because while the song indicates that she is in fact still alive, she states in the trailer for Portal 2 that Chell had killed her. - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 20:44, 26 August 2010 (UTC)
 * So she just believes that she died? Kaguya-chan (talk) 22:06, 28 August 2010 (UTC)
 * PlayStation 3 is linked twice
 * Done.

Development history Cultural impact References
 * "Before development of GLaDOS had begun, writer Erik Wolpaw was writing [the script?] for the [2005] video game Psychonauts..." The rest of the sentence ("...where they hooked up "temp dialogue", where they would go around the office to find people to hook it up") makes very little sense to me. What exactly was he (them?) doing and what is "temp dialogue"?
 * Done.
 * "People found the lines funnier than they were worth, with Wolpaw commenting that "No amount of writing is funnier than this text-to-speech thing reading it." Opinion ("funnier than they were worth") and a ref-less quote
 * Done.
 * Section has some very close paraphrasing ("When I was working on Psychonauts, we'd hook up this temp dialog. We'd just get people around the office to hook it up. One depressing thing I noticed is that a couple of times I'd run out of people to do, and I'd just use a voice-to-text thing. And people were laughing at that way more than what the lines were worth." compared to "writer Erik Wolpaw was writing for the video game Psychonauts, where they hooked up "temp dialogue", where they would go around the office to find people to hook it up. Once they ran out of people, however, he began using a text-to-speech program. People found the lines funnier than they were worth")
 * Done [I think; it was a bigger issue than the others, so I may have missed something or created a new flaw. :p]
 * Personally, I would just do a quick check of the section and make sure that there isn't any more close paraphrasing.
 * No source for end of 1st paragraph
 * Done.
 * "The team liked the voice, it being described [describing it] as "funny" and "sinister"..." Missed quotes.
 * Done.
 * "It was discovered that play testers were more motivated with the voice, Wolpaw commenting that [because] they became attached to the voice."
 * Done.
 * "Wolpaw commented that while GLaDOS did yell and fire rockets at the player, she fulfilled his desire for a villain who has not been "done to death"" Ref-less quote alert!
 * "...they are putting her through the wringer emotionally." Sounds slangy.
 * "The game was designed to have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Wolpaw stated that with each new part, GLaDOS' personality changed with it ."
 * "However, once the player-character escapes, she begins to speak as herself, referring to herself as "I" rather than "we"." Bit odd. ---> "...she begins to speak in first-person singular rather than first-person plural."
 * "Eventually, they settled [on] the design [of] used in the final version of game, the robotic figure hanging upside down."
 * "The large chamber itself that the player-character encounters was the result of the team wanting to build a space that brought a great deal of attention to her."
 * "Another early design was when GLaDOS was only a cube, which was used for the removed laser battle mentioned below." seems to belong with the sentence about the early designs for GLaDOS, not after the large chamber.
 * "In designing the final encounter with GLaDOS, one of the important aspects to it was giving the players a predisposition to the Weighted Companion Cube." What is the Weighted Companion Cube?
 * "This incarnation of the final boss was dubbed "Portal Kombat", which Swift describes as a "high intensity rocket battle"." Ref-less quote.
 * 1st paragraph in Final battle has no sources
 * "However, Wolpaw stated that it sucked, commenting that it sucked so much that he would not let Swift speak, citing the fact that no one was paying attention to what GLaDOS was saying." Slangy and sounds like it might be close paraphrasing.
 * "Wolpaw described the pacing as horrible, stating that they would wander around lost until they found the corridor, at which point a series of pistons would spring out of the walls, which he says failed in every way imaginable." Slangy ("which he says failed in every way imaginable") and some odd sentence construction. Maybe something along the lines of "Wolpaw sharply criticized the pacing, which caused the players to wander around until they found the corridor, at which point a series of pistons would spring out of the walls."
 * Caption is very long. Try condensing it to "Conceptual art of the player-character encountering GLaDOS"
 * What was the "fire pit" puzzle?
 * "One playtester helped them by pointing out the quality of the "fire pit" puzzle, stating that it was both dramatic and exciting, but also a difficult puzzle. Wolpaw stated that this made no sense, commenting that it was one of the easiest puzzles in the game." ---> "One playtester helped them by pointing out the quality of the "fire pit" puzzle, stating that it was both dramatic and exciting, but also a difficult puzzle."
 * "He added that the battle itself was a dramatic high-point, [since it was] due to it being the first time GLaDOS directly tries to kill the player-character [and] as well as the first time that players have to use the environment to their advantage."
 * "Another influence on the change from a complex battle to a simple one was a fellow Valve developer who was working on Half-Life 2: Episode Two. The developer commented that the final boss of that game would have 100 Striders, as well as allowing players to drive a car while fighting mini-Striders, following up by asking Wolpaw what he had planned for Portal's final boss.[13] Eventually, they implemented a mechanic involving a timer ticking down from six minutes, where neurotoxin would eventually kill the players' character." --->After learning about what fellow Valve developers had planned for the final boss battle in Half-Life 2: Episode Two, the Portal developers decided to implement a neurotoxin would kill the player-character in six minutes."
 * "This made it easier on the writers, who only had to write six minutes of dialogue versus an infinite amount previously ." An infinite amount of dialogue makes for a really long game, doesn't it? ^_^
 * "Similarly, GamesRadar editor Tom Francis described her as hysterical [and] as well as being an aspect of Portal that gamers will love."
 * Cinema Blend listed GLaDOS as the best character of 2007, stating that she breathes life, emotion, and hilarity into the lab of Portal.[44] GamesRadar listed Portal as having one of the best video game stories ever, citing GLaDOS as the primary reason for this." Any other verbs besides listed?
 * IGN editor Hilary Goldstein awarded her the "Best of the Worst Guiding Voices", commenting that it was between her and BioShock character Atlas. However, he gave the award to GLaDOS, citing her humour as the prime reason.[49]" Hilary is typically a woman's name.
 * "GameSpy awarded her the "Best Character" award, stating that she came from the most unexpected place - a game that could have gotten by without a story." ---> "GameSpy awarded her the "Best Character" award, stating that she came from the most unexpected place – a game that could have gotten by without a story." No hyphens taking the place of dashes.
 * I strongly suggest making Analysis its own section
 * "LucasArts developer Noah Falstein described her as the best AI he had ever encountered - "more convincingly psychotic than HAL, with a more emotionally engaging death than Floyd, and funnier than C3PO and R2D2.""--->"LucasArts developer Noah Falstein described her as the best AI he had ever encountered – "more convincingly psychotic than HAL, with a more emotionally engaging death than Floyd, and funnier than C3PO and R2D2."" No hyphens taking the place of dashes.
 * [The Daily Telegraph]] editors Nick Cowen and Tom Hoggins listed her as the ninth greatest video game villain, stating that she is as diabolical as a female AI can get, mentioning SHODAN as being inferior in this respect.[63] --->"The Daily Telegraph editors Nick Cowen and Tom Hoggins listed her as the ninth greatest video game villain, stating that she is as diabolical as a female AI can get, mentioning SHODAN as being inferior in this respect.[63]"
 * "The video game Halo ODST features a computer AI called the Superintendent, which Bungie Software director Lars Bakken said would never get "too intense". When asked if it would take a similar twist to GLaDOS, Bakken said "No nothing like that!".[64]" Seems to belong in the Halo ODST article and a trivial reference to GLaDOS
 * "His view is that GLaDOS is conflicted between her wants and needs - her want to be liked, and her need to test the portal gun"--->"His view is that GLaDOS is conflicted between her wants and needs – her want to be liked, and her need to test the portal gun" Same as before.
 * "He also commented that where he felt disinterested in other bosses, using Bowser in Super Mario Sunshine, he was driven to find GLaDOS and destroy her, a feeling of want that he states that he does not know if he's ever felt that before." ---> "He also commented that where he felt disinterested in other bosses, using Bowser in Super Mario Sunshine, he was driven to find GLaDOS and destroy her, a feeling of want that he states that he does not know if he has ever felt that before." No contractions in formal writing.
 * "However, Croal argues that GLaDOS is not as much defined or revealed as she is depicted. Additionally, he commented that the boss battle with GLaDOS is similar to the "Room 19" encounter with Andrew Ryan, citing the same use of tactical language and techniques between the two. [59]" --->"However, Croal argues that GLaDOS is not as much defined or revealed as she is depicted. Additionally, he commented that the boss battle with GLaDOS is similar to the "Room 19" encounter with Andrew Ryan, citing the same use of tactical language and techniques between the two.[59]" Space between ref and sentence.
 * Link narcissistic personality disorder in "Video game developer Nathan Frost described Portal as an "exploration of a relationship with someone with narcissistic personality disorder."
 * "In the book Extra Lives: Why Video Games Matter, Infinity Ward developer Michael Boon in discussing believable non-playable characters, he mentioned GLaDOS as well as BioShock character Andrew Ryan." ---> "In the book Extra Lives: Why Video Games Matter, Infinity Ward developer Michael Boon mentioned GLaDOS and BioShock character Andrew Ryan while discussing believable non-playable characters."
 * "Author of the book, Tom Bissell, stated that in addition to these similarities, both of the characters were well-written, describing them as "funny, strange, cruel, and alive.""
 * Link unreliable narrator in "Video game developer Andrew Doull described the "unreliable narrator" as a narrative staple..."
 * "It was released as a part of The Orange Box Official Soundtrack, as well as appearing in other video games, including the Rock Band series and Left 4 Dead 2." --->"It was released as a part of The Orange Box Official Soundtrack and appeared in other video games, including the Rock Band series and Left 4 Dead 2."
 * Link web comic in "GLaDOS has been featured in web comics over the years."
 * Ref 28's wikilink for published is missing: PC World (magazine) ---> PC World.
 * Kaguya-chan (talk) 14:21, 29 August 2010 (UTC)

Not to be a jackass or anything, but while there's lots of good content here, it's just not written that well. It gets rambling and confusing at points, difficult to understand even for me (someone who knows video games, has beaten the game several times, and listened to all the dev. commentary.) I don't really have the time to pick through it all, but I really think the entire article needs something of a rewrite. Here's some random issues I picked out: -- Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 19:33, 4 September 2010 (UTC)
 * Comments by David Fuchs
 * "She was created by Erik Wolpaw and Kim Swift" - who are who? Some quick intro like "writers" or something is warranted.
 * "While initially appearing as a voice to guide and aid the player, her words and actions become increasingly malicious, making multiple attempts to kill the player-character. She eventually is revealed to be insane, having killed the scientists who ran Aperture previously with a deadly neurotoxin before they could install her morality core. She is set to appear in the sequel, Portal 2, taking place 300 years after the player-character defeats GLaDOS and being placed back in the chamber." - this entire section seems off-kilter, grammatically speaking, and a tad wordy. 'She is set to appear in the sequel, Portal 2, taking place 300 years after the player-character defeats GLaDOS and being placed back in the chamber' - who is being placed back in the chamber, and why does the verb tense change halfway through the sentence?
 * "She was created after" Starting a new paragraph means restating the subject.
 * "She was universally praised for her contributions to the quality of Portal's writing" - She's a fictional character, she can't contribute to Portal's writing.
 * I really think that the "Description" section needs references.
 * " She has a system of morality cores installed into her, in order to prevent her from killing anyone" - ok, this is something that confused me when I played the game, but bear with me. The lead states that she killed the scientists "before they could install her morality core". But you destroy her morality core (also not the singular) in the game. So A) how many cores does she have, and B) was it installed or not?
 * I'm not sure all the webcomic references are really that important in asserting the character's notability (not to mention XKCD is shoehorned in twice.)
 * As it is, I'm aware that I'm not a great writer; unfortunately, I've not had much in the way of other contributors doing a copyedit of the article. - The New Age Retro Hippie used Ruler! Now, he can figure out the length of things easily. 17:32, 7 September 2010 (UTC)
 * I'll try and help out when I can, but I've already committed myself to copyedits on other articles anyhow and I've got a full courseload that interferes with full-on wiki activities :P Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 19:31, 11 September 2010 (UTC)