Wikipedia:Peer review/Grace Hutchins/archive1

Grace Hutchins
I'm requesting a peer review for this because this was very much a group effort between two or three editors, and so it is possibly a mixture of styles (although I have blind spot for stuff I've written, so couldn't readilly identify such myself). But prior to a further nomination, I'd appreciate it if uninvolved eyes could make suggestions, commentary etc to even it out and generally improve i. Many thanks! &mdash; fortuna  velut luna  16:16, 8 September 2017 (UTC)

Peer review from Caeciliusinhorto
Fascinating. I'd never heard of Grace Hutchins before now. I think the biggest problem with the article is the prose; most of my comments below focus on tightening up particularly weak spots. With a little bit of work I think you can get this up to GA standard, though.


 * From the lead: She spent many years of her life writing about labor and economics, in addition to being a lifelong dedicated member of the Communist Party, along with Anna Rochester, a Marxist economist and historian and her companion of 45 years. This is a little bit tortured.  I think this is really trying to convey three related ideas: she was a lifelong member of the Communist Party; she wrote about labor and economics; and her "companion" (is this a case of "serious historians are reluctant to say 'lover'"?) of 45 years was Anna Rochester.  Try something like: A lifelong member of the Communist Party, Hutchins wrote for many years on labor and economics. For 45 years, she lived with the Marxist economist and historian Anna Rochester, with whom she promoted radical Christian pacifism in the United States.?  I'm not entirely happy with the way the second sentence further sidelines the relationship between Rochester and Hutchins, which the article never quite comes out and says was more than platonic, though...
 * And for that matter, the prominence Hutchins' writings are given in the lead seems disproportionate to the single paragraph they get in the article body. Her leftist activism, meanwhile, is barely treated in the lead, but gets the best part of the article body.
 * Her parents had English ancestors that settled in Massachusetts during the colonial period. Not sure about this.  Presumably, if her parents' ancestors were English, then so too were hers!  Her ancestors, originally from England, had settled in Massachusetts during the colonial period.?
 * Is it worth saying where she was privately educated? Does this mean taught by private tutors, or sent to a private school?
 * What did she study at Bryn Mawr?
 * When the US entered the war with the Allies in 1917, she found herself in protests against the war. the passive voice has its place, but this is possibly the most uncommitted construction I have ever seen.  she protested against the war or she was involved in protests against the war or she began to protest against the war or really anything other than she found herself in protests!
 * Her political stance impacted her private life do we have any details on how?
 * "served as" twice in one sentence. change one of them.
 * It was during this period that she was suggested to have "learned firsthand" on many women's labor conditions by working "ten-hour days in a cigar factory". ungrammatical.  suggest During this period she gained first-hand experience of women's labor conditions, working "ten-hour days in a cigar factory".
 * According to Janet Lee, author of a biography about the two women Hutchins and Rochester, they "were a part of [a] cohort of women whose commitment to social activism was integrated with their lesbian orientation".
 * Hutchins and Rochester travelled[...] travelling as far as India: repetition of travelled/travelling...
 * she ran for state office in NY, presumably?
 * Bail Bond fund: is this correct capitalisation? I would have expected either "Bail Bond Fund" or "bail bond fund"...
 * might be worth briefly explaining what the Smith Act trials were: I had to click away from the article to find out...
 * The significance of their joint work: again, the previous paragraph was solely about Hutchins. Signpost that we are back on to H&R
 * She co-edited several reference series for the group which group?  she was associated with dozens, it seems.
 * "cofounders" is this okay in US English? As a Brit, I would expect "co-founders".
 * in 1948, during the Alger Hiss espionage trial it is my understanding that Hiss was never tried for espionage; he was convicted of perjury. And while we are at it, the Hiss trial began, at least according to our article, in 1949.
 * Her father did not approve of her political activities, and he was disappointed about her 1927 arrest This is a bit of a jump back in time from the Red Scare!
 * After having been ill for an extended period, she died at her home on July 15, 1969. a little short for a stormtrooper an entire subsection. The section "Legacy" is pretty insubstantial too.

Hope this helps! Caeciliusinhorto (talk) 19:36, 9 September 2017 (UTC)

Article mainspace
i. Grace Hutchins was an American labor reformer and researcher, journalist, political activist and communist Like the reviewer above, I too had difficulty with this opening sentence. Nowadays, the word communist can sound like an insult. Because it is mentioned again in the next sentence that she was a lifelong member of the Communist party, I suggest that this word be limited in its use, and the first instance of communist be taken out. It says that she is a labor reformer, so I suggest that the word communist (which would be removed) be swapped with social reform (which is arguably a simplistic term for communism) so that she is described in the first sentence '...was an American labor and social reform advocate and journalist. Hutchins spent many years of her life writing about labor and economics, in addition to being a lifelong member of the Communist Party...' The part about being a political activist may be left out because if you already say she is a labor and social reform advocate those are activities which often make use of politics.

ii. She then attended the women's college at Bryn Mawr, which was relatively new at the time It was new at doing/being/occurring/existing as what? Change to → She then attended the newly-opened women's college at Bryn Mawr.
 * Note:→Bryn Mawr opened the same year Ms. Hutchins was born. Graduating in 1907, that puts her starting at Bryn Mawr between 1903 and 1904 — a full 18 to 19 years after the college opened, and arguably when it was no longer new. This description of it being "relatively new" ought to be deleted.

iii. She graduated in 1907, and remained in touch with her classmates later in life. Remaining in touch is too informal. Change to → continued to correspond with

iv. later becoming a headmistress. Change to → "later becoming its headmistress." (If the previously mentioned location was where she became headmistress.)

v. During her time in China, she kept a diary on her observations of Chinese womens' social, educational, and medical conditions. During her stay in China, Hutchins became ill and returned to the United States in 1916, partially due to parental concerns. Back in the United States, she was employed by a social training... These three sentences must be combined into one. The repeating of "during her stay in China" suggests that both activities may be merged into one sentence, ostensibly as they both occurred within the same time frame or shortly after one another. Change to → "During her time in China she kept a diary on her observations made of Chinese womens' social, educational, and medical conditions. While there she became ill; owing to parental concerns she returned to the United States, whereupon she was employed by a social training...."

vi. She served as a press secretary from 1924 to 1926, during which time she also served as a business executive while actively contributing to the monthly magazine. She's a Jill of all trades in this sentence, so it's important to keep up on the pronouns. Exactly whom was she a press secretary for? Exactly where did she serve as business executive? Exactly who's monthly magazine was she contributing to?

vii. The Companions' reading lists This instance of Companions needs to be WikiLinked. Even though it's the second time Companions is mentioned (and the first time is WikiLinked) that position demands that no one ever read the article out of sequence.

viii. In the early 1920s Hutchins and Rochester travelled through Europe together on behalf of the FOR Again, FOR should be Wikilinked, for the same reason above. — Spin tendo Talk 06:50, 4 October 2017 (UTC)

Thank you
To for all your helpful comments, I'm going to crack on with it now. I wanted to leave it until people had a chance to comment, but I think that could be it! Thanks again, and feel free to look in again, if you want, and comment on progress, etc. Take care! &mdash; fortuna  velut luna  15:55, 8 October 2017 (UTC)