Wikipedia:Peer review/Grandma's Gifts Inc./archive1

Grandma's Gifts Inc.

 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for February 2009.

This peer review discussion has been closed.
 * I'm requesting peer review for this article.
 * Most of the sections are taken from the Grandma's Gifts official website and were written in first person. I did my best to change them all to third person and remove any opinions or feelings but I have to admit that it was difficult and I'm sure I missed some some things.
 * My coding skills are all self taught so I'd appreciate it if someone could check my code to make sure that it makes sense.

Please be kind lol. This is my second wiki article so I'm still learning. I'm very interested in your constructive criticism though.

Thanks for your time. OlYeller21 (talk) 17:29, 2 February 2009 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: Much of the article, as you say, has been taken word-for-word from the Grandma's Gifts web site. Unfortunately, this is probably a copyright violation unless you are the author of the material posted at the Grandma's Gifts site. Please see WP:COPYVIO.

Even if it does not violate copyright, the article includes unnecessary detail. It would be better to summarize the essence of the sections. If you do that, the article will likely be much shorter, but the "External links" section will provide a path for readers who want to read more. I would suggest thinking of yourself as a reporter who knows nothing about Grandma's Gifts but has been told by the chief editor to write an article about it that will explain it to the public. Since newspapers have limited space, that means you will have to write succinctly and include nothing that is not essential to a basic understanding. In practice, this will mean cutting the existing article by more than 90 percent. I hasten to add that cutting by 90 or 95 percent is not the same as giving up and throwing the whole thing away, but it does require a radically different approach.

As you revise, bear in mind that material in Wikipedia articles needs to be attributed to reliable sources. Please see WP:V for details. Generally, each paragraph needs a source, and any sets of statistics or claims that are unusual or that might be challenged should also be sourced. The sourcing should come in the form of in-line citations rather then embedded links; thus, Grandma's Gifts should not be linked in the opening line of the lead. The "cite family" of templates is helpful in organizing the in-line citations. Please see WP:Cite for a general explanation of citations and WP:CIT for the templates. You can copy-and-paste the templates into your article or sandbox in edit mode and fill in the blanks. I should mention also that personal blogs and web sites are not considered reliable sources. Please see WP:RS for details.

I don't what to overwhelm you, so I will stop. Please consider making this a short, succinct article the main claims of which are attributed to reliable sources. This will make better reading for everyone, and those readers who want more will have no trouble finding it. I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. Finetooth (talk) 19:30, 7 February 2009 (UTC)