Wikipedia:Peer review/Halo: Reach/archive1

Halo: Reach
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because it needs one for featured topic retention—I'm going to add another one too, but I promise I'll do some reviews to balance it out! :) There's not much content here (the press information flood doesn't come out until video gaming magazines hit the stands in January), but any comments would be appreciated.

Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 20:24, 27 December 2009 (UTC)

Comments If you want to review a non-Halo game article, there's a sexy witch that needs attention. --an odd name 20:30, 28 December 2009 (UTC)
 * No dabs or dead external links—good.
 * I added alt text for the image; check that it matches reality. :)
 * Ref date are ISO style after some edits.


 * add references where there are citation tags...--Diaa abdelmoneim (talk) 15:23, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
 * Done. Mikerooney (talk) 17:05, 5 January 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: As you say, there's not much here yet. The article is a kind of breaking news story or prequel to a complete article. It's inherently unstable and can be expected to morph into something more like a full article later in 2009. Meanwhile, I did a bit of minor copyediting, and here are a few suggestions and comments.

Lead
 * I'd suggest expanding the lead to include at least a mention of the plot and perhaps a few other details from the text sections. The question I ask myself is "If I deleted the main text sections, would a reader get a fair idea of the content from the lead alone"?
 * I changed "Fall" to "fall" because the seasons normally don't start with a capital letter. If you think this makes the sentence ambiguous, you might use "during autumn" or "late in" instead of "during fall".

Plot
 * "Halo: Reach is a prequel" - Wikilink prequel?
 * "and is identified by the call sign" - Wikilink call sign?
 * "The announcement trailer shows the colony world" - Wikilink trailer?

Audio
 * "Martin O'Donnell returns to score Reach." - Past tense, "returned" to match the past tense of the next sentence?
 * "With the game's music, O'Donnell wrote more "somber, more visceral" music because the plot is character-driven and focuses on a planet that is known to have fallen." - Rather than repeating "music" or using "with" in this way, perhaps re-cast? Suggestion: O'Donnell wrote "somber, more visceral" music because the plot is character-driven and focuses on a fallen planet.
 * "The music piece shown in the world premiere of Halo: Reach, titled "Lone Wolf", shown at the 2009 VGA's, is available on Bungie's website." - Move the modifiers next to the things modified? Use VGA instead of VGA's? Suggestion: The music piece, "Lone Wolf", part of the world premiere of Halo: Reach, is available on Bungie's website. The premiere was shown at the 2009 VGA.
 * I'd suggest merging the two paragraphs to make one slightly larger paragraph.

Screenshots leak
 * "a new rifle, and a new HUD" - Spell out "head-up display (HUD) on first use?

References
 * What makes "Bungie Weekly Update" a reliable source per WP:RS?
 * What makes the Microsoft Live Blog reliable?
 * What makes Koku Gamer reliable?
 * What makes Kotaku reliable?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider reviewing another article, especially one from the PR backlog. That is where I found this one. Finetooth (talk) 18:21, 5 January 2010 (UTC)
 * I changed the Bungie ref for a better one. I'll work on your suggestions later today. Mikerooney (talk) 12:59, 6 January 2010 (UTC)