Wikipedia:Peer review/Halo Legends/archive1

Halo Legends
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because, well, I have to. Halo Legends is an upcoming DVD/Blu-Ray release, but I'd like to solicit some comments on the text as-is so that I can add this to the Halo media featured topic.

Thanks, Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 16:26, 23 January 2010 (UTC)


 * There could be many articles about its release and reviews listed here: http://www.google.com/cse?cx=009114923999563836576%3A1eorkzz2gp4&q=%22Halo+Legends%22. I also added an Anime News Network interview with one of the directors on the bottom of the page. as 211.30.12.191 (talk) 22:31, 25 January 2010 (UTC)
 * Thanks for the Google Link. I am not a manga or anime fan, and it falls outside my normal editing scope, so finding sources is a bit trickier than my usual methods. Der Wohltemperierte Fuchs ( talk ) 04:33, 26 January 2010 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: I have a few suggestions for improvement. Mainly the article needs proofreading to catch and fix small errors in the prose.


 * The image needs alt text.
 * What makes Halo.Bungie.Org or Halo Panel Live Blog reliable?

Lead
 * "The idea for an anime compilation... ". Wikilink anime?
 * "is intended to be a parody of the universe" - "Halo universe" for clarity?

Development
 * "Microsoft was deeply involved in making sure story details were correct and writing the scripts for the stories—O'Connor estimated that 50% of the dialogue in the final products were verbatim from the original scripts—but the animation studios were given wide latitude in their animation styles." - Awkward. Perhaps " The animation studios were given wide latitude in matters of style, but Microsoft was deeply involved in story details and script writing; O'Connor estimated that 50 percent of the dialogue in the final products were taken verbatim from the original scripts."
 * "While all the stories save one are considered canon, O'Connor noted that some discrepancies were the cause of artistic interpretation." - Logic? Shouldn't it be "... artistic interpretation caused some of the discrepancies"?
 * "the dubbing studio" - Wikilink dubbing?

The Duel
 * "Produced by Mitsuhisa Ishikawa and directed by Hiroshi Yamazaki, with creative supervision by Mamoru Oshii follows an Arbiter named Fal... " - Missing word?

The Package
 * "The Package segment is animated by Casio Entertainment" - "The Package, animated... " instead of "The Package is animated"?

Origins
 * "where Cortana and Master Chief were stranded on after the events of Halo 3" - "Which" instead of "where"? I'll stop pointing out the small proofing errors from this point on. It would be a good idea to get a fresh pair of eyes to proofread the article from top to bottom.

I hope these few suggestions prove helpful. Finetooth (talk) 03:36, 30 January 2010 (UTC)