Wikipedia:Peer review/History of Liverpool F.C. (1892–1959)/archive1

History of Liverpool F.C. (1892–1959)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I would like feedback on a few issues before I take the article to GAN. Firstly I've had a look at similar articles that divide the history into sections, which are of similar length. Personally I feel there should be more detail, but I thought a second opinion on this would be helpful. As this is my first time writing an article like this, I have probably made a few mistakes and missed certain things, which I'm hoping will be picked up on. Finally, is there anything that needs adding, is not mentioned etc. Thanks in advance for taking your time to read through the article. NapHit (talk) 22:20, 14 February 2012 (UTC)

Comments from Eddie6705

Lead
 * Missing a 9 from 1959.
 * Should be the instead of their time.
 * Should be a comma after success.
 * "Thus, he founded Liverpool F.C. to play in" - don't need the F.C.
 * "First League Championship in 1901" - could link League Championship to Football League First Division.
 * "A further League Championship was won in 1906" - replace was won with followed.
 * Comma after 1914.
 * Link Second Division to Football League Second Division
 * Comma after 1959 in final sentance.

Formation
 * In the opening paragraph. neither usage of F.C. is needed.
 * Comma after "play in it".
 * Comma after Liverpool Cup.
 * Replace "following their formation" with Since inception.
 * "Their stay in the Division lasted a season as they finished bottom of the league at the end of the season," - don't need "at the end of the season", include only before "a season".

Consolodation
 * Comma after "began to watch Liverpool".
 * "Liverpool's wait for a League Championship would continue as Villa won 5–0 to condemn Liverpool to the runners-up spot" - replace the second Liverpool with them.
 * "wait for their first championship was ended in" - don't need the was.
 * "when they won the First Dvision title for the first time" -don't need "for the first time" as it is repeating what is said earlier in the sentance.
 * "and reached their first FA Cup final in 1914. A match they lost 1–0 to Burnley." - should be "..FA Cup final in 1914, a match they.."

Inter-war Years
 * "Tom Watson left as manager in 1915, and was replaced as manager by David Ashworth" - no need for second repetition of as manager.

Decline
 * "cessation of hostilities" - can simply be replaced with war.
 * "Billy Liddell, Balmer epitomised" - Balmer epitomised should be a new sentance.

I know this only really looks at the grammar of the article, but i hope it it still helpful nonetheless. Eddie6705 (talk) 17:21, 15 February 2012 (UTC)
 * No problem, it was a good review, which cleared a lot of basic mistakes, cheers. NapHit (talk) 23:01, 15 February 2012 (UTC)

Comments from Cloudz679

Lead
 * "Liverpool Football Club were formed" - I know teams take plural verb agreements but club should be singular.
 * "which left Houlding with an empty stadium. Thus, he founded Liverpool to play in the empty stadium." - unnecessary use of empty in the second part.
 * "the club often finishing in mid-table" - mid-table describes how they finished, no need for preposition in.
 * "A slow decline followed" - should follow with comma.

Formation
 * "This escalated into a dispute between holding and the Everton board" - should be Houlding, the name.
 * "Houlding was let with an empty ground" - wrong verb (left).
 * "team of macs" - possible need for capitalisation if macs is a proper noun.
 * "Their stay in the Division" - incorrect capitalisation.

Consolidation
 * "During the next two seasons they consolidated their place in the Division" - incorrect capitalisation.
 * "first League championship" - incorrect capitalisation.
 * "determine the League champions" - incorrect capitalisation.
 * "League Championship" - incorrect capitalisation.
 * "Liverpool were unable to repeat the feat, they finished 11th and 5th in the two subsequent seasons" - comma should be semi-colon.
 * "newspapers the Liverpool Daily Post and Echo" - if these are two separate papers the second should be referred to as the Liverpool Echo.
 * "It was named after a famous hill..." - pronoun better replaced by the noun to which it refers (the stand or the Spion Kop).
 * "after their League victory" - incorrect capitalisation.
 * "in mid-table" - mid-table describes how they finished, no need for preposition in.

Inter-war years
 * 4th → fourth, multiple occurrences
 * "the season after, before" - the following season, before
 * "Ashworth left Liverpool at the end of the season to manage Oldham Athletic, he was replaced by former Liverpool player Matt McQueen, midway through the following season." - This is quite confusing. I would suggest a full stop after Oldham Athletic, but it is not clear what the management situation was in the elapsed time.
 * "However, following the successive league victories Liverpool's fortunes declined, they could only finish 12th the following season, and 4th was their best finish in the three following seasons." - again, 4th → fourth. Also, the sentence is unnecessarily long. I would consider rewording it completely. For example "Following their successive league victories, Liverpool's fortunes declined. They could only finish 12th the following season, and didn't finish higher than fourth in the next three seasons.
 * "At the time the the Kop at Anfield was the biggest in the country" - you need to qualify (biggest what?) this claim.
 * "ill-health" - ill health.
 * "finished in 11th" - finished 11th or finished in 11th place.
 * "in mid-table" - mid-table describes how they finished, no need for preposition in.

Decline
 * "As with all English clubs, the Second World War brought about the loss of seven seasons" - The Second World War (+ link) brought about the loss of seven seasons to competitive league football in England.
 * "Vital to the club's success was their attacking players" - verb agreement (were).
 * "to augment Jack Balmer and Billy Liddell" - the players weren't augmented, maybe to augment the attack alongside Jack....
 * "Balmer epitomised the threat the players possessed by scoring a hat-trick in three successive matches." This is quite a statement and I would expect an in-line citation.
 * "in the two following seasons" - in the two seasons that followed.
 * "Their manager George Kaye had resigned" - incorrect use of past perfect. "resigned" suffices here.
 * 50 → fifty
 * "During this season the club suffered the biggest defeat in the club's history" - repetition of "the club". "in their history" works better.
 * 3rd → third
 * "His replacement was Phil Taylor who was a member of the Liverpool coaching staff." - comma after Taylor.
 * "Despite signing players such as Ronnie Moran, Alan A'Court and Jimmy Melia who" - comma after Melia.

This is virtually all grammatical but I hope it helps to improve the article. Cloudz 679 09:23, 18 February 2012 (UTC)