Wikipedia:Peer review/Hormuzan/archive1

Hormuzan
I've listed this article for peer review because I need some advice on how I can improve it so I can later nominate it to become a GA.

Thanks, HistoryofIran (talk) 00:14, 30 July 2015 (UTC)

Comments
 * Suggest making the lead more expansive
 * Do we know who his father was?
 * Generally, this is a bit hard to follow without background knowledge - suggest providing a bit more context for the reader
 * What is the source for the information about Jalula? Nikkimaria (talk) 13:09, 7 August 2015 (UTC)

Comments from RO

 * Lead
 * I agree with Nikkimaria. The lead needs expansion.
 * Family and early life
 * However, this is most likely wrong
 * Avoid using "however" in formal writing.


 * According to Pourshariati
 * For one, avoid using "according to" whenever possible, and two, casual readers might not know what this is referring to, so explain or link, or both.


 * he was part of the Parsig (Persian) faction which played a major role 
 * "which" ought to be "that", since this reads as a restrictive clause.


 * Hormuzan owned his native place Mihragan-kadag
 * Is that a country or region?


 * but order was soon restored by a certain Ruzbi
 * Drop "a certain".


 * The Arab invasion of western Persia
 * The first sentence of this section needs a citation.
 * raising an army which included
 * "raising an army that included".


 * The Parsig faction under Piruz Khosrow, Bahman Jadhuyih and Hormuzan. The Pahlav (Parthian) faction under Rostam himself and Mihran Razi, and a Armenian contingent under Jalinus and Musel III Mamikonian. 
 * This needs some polishing.


 * During the battle, the Sasanian army was defeated, and Shahriyar, along with Musel, Bahman, Jalinus and Rostam, were killed. The Arabs then besieged Ctesiphon.
 * Needs a cite.


 * The Sasanian army was once again defeated and Mihran Razi was killed. Hormuzan then again withdrew to Hormizd-Ardashir and this time chose to stay there in case the Arabs should invade his domains.
 * Also needs a cite.


 * began raiding in Iraq
 * Was it called Iraq at the time?


 * who had been making incursions Fars and Khuzestan
 * I get the sense that there's a missing "into" here.


 * However, he soon stopped paying tribute
 * Avoid "however" in formal writing.


 * under a certain Hurqus ibn Zuhayr al-Sa'di
 * Drop "a cerain", and be sure you aren't using more anmes then necessary, because it's getting really difficult to follow all these characters.


 * Meanwhile, Hormuzan fled
 * As with "however", "Meanwhile" is too informal.


 * he was once again defeated
 * Wow. Lots of defeats in a short time. Did he win any major battles?


 * Nevertheless, he managed to reach the city
 * Avoid "nevertheless"


 * The Arabs then laid siege to the city
 * For one, it needs a cite, and for two, it's confusing because why are the Arabs laying siege?


 * Fortunately for Hormuzan
 * This is editorializing/POV. Don't sympathize with Hormuzan.

This is a nice little piece overall, and it was enjoyable to read. My biggest issue is that it has lots of names, so it gets a little difficult to follow what's going on. I think this is what Nikkimaria was talking about above. I also got confused over the many losses, so see if you can rework some of this narrative to make that aspect easier to understand. For example, after reading it I'm unsure if Hormuzan ever won a battle. Nicely done; keep up the great work! RO (talk) 17:20, 28 August 2015 (UTC)
 * Conclusion

Comments from Midnightblueowl

 * The lede is definitely in need of expansion.


 * There are sentences which lack references; this definitely needs to be remedied.


 * No page number for Rawlinson?


 * There are prose problems; for instance "according some sources," should be "according to some sources".

I hope that these suggestions for improvement prove useful to you in advancing this interesting article. Best, Midnightblueowl (talk) 10:32, 23 September 2015 (UTC)

Comments. I did some copyediting per my standard disclaimer. Feel free to revert. These are my edits. - Dank (push to talk) 01:47, 7 October 2015 (UTC)