Wikipedia:Peer review/Hurricane Kathleen (1976)/archive2

Hurricane Kathleen (1976)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I want comments prior to sending this here.
 * Previous peer review

Hurricane Kathleen was unusual. It formed where most Pacific hurricanes, but raced north, and made landfall in Mexico as a tropical storm. It then produced major flooding across south and central California, especially in Ocotillo. 10 people died, including 1 in Arizona and 2 indirect deaths. Damage total is $160 million.

Hope you like it, YE  Pacific   Hurricane  20:25, 6 November 2011 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: Mainly prose issues.
 * Lead


 * "Hurricane Kathleen was a hurricane of the 1976 Pacific hurricane season". Three "hurricanes" in the first ten words. Try to rephrase with a little less repetition
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * The observation: "It also took an unusual path" is isolated. You need to give a brief indication of why the path was unusual, or withdraw the remark from the lead. See WP:LEAD: "Do not hint at startling facts without describing them."
 * You have both "ninth" and "9th"
 * Removed. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Kathleen finally dissipated late on the September 11." ?
 * Yeah. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Combine these two short sentences: "Flooding caused catastrophic destruction to Ocotillo, California. Six people drowned in that city."
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Background


 * "To make landfall, troughs are generally needed to re-curve storms." What does "re-curve" mean (is there such a word)?
 * Should be quite obvious. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Northward movement also tends to move cyclones into unfavorable areas." What is meant by "unfavorable" areas?
 * Reworded. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Hurricane Kathleen's survival to such a northerly location was contributed to by a variety of factors." Revise this rather clumsy phrasing by turning the sentence: "A variety of factors contributed to Hurricane Kathleen's survival at such a northerly location."
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * I suggest you separate the list of factors by semicolons rather than full stops.
 * Did two compound sentences. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Meteorological history


 * "Over 83 °F (28 °C) sea surface temperatures, Kathleen quickly strengthened." Awkwardly worded; "over" in he sense of "more than", or in the sense of "moving above"?
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "After doing so, Kathleen weakened considerably..." → "Kathleen then weakened considerably..."
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Tropical Storm Kathleen was barely a tropical storm" → "it was barely a tropical storm"
 * No, it could mean :0900 UTC:. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "...the cyclone strengthened into Hurricane Kathleen" Well, it strengethened to hurrican force, but "Hurricane Kathleen" is not a measurement.
 * Good call. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "The hurricane passed near several ships, and was respectively intercepted by Hurricane Hunters early on September 10." What does "respectively intercepted" mean? You should also identify "Hurricane Hunters" as aircraft.
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "...Kathleen accelerated to speeds of 35 mph (56 km/h)-38 mph (61 km/h)." Do you mean "accelerated"? The last speed mentioned was 80 mph.
 * "You need to give these speed ranges more simply, e.g. "35–38 mph (56–61 km/h)"
 * Idk how to do that in convert templates. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "later that morning on September 10" → "later on the morning of September 10"
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Skinny, Tropical Storm Kathleen weakened into a depression over southern California and shortly thereafter, moved across Death Valley." I don't understand the word "skinny" in this sentence.
 * Removed. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Finally, the center became difficult to locate,[2] and the depression finally dissipated later on September 11." Two "finallys" in one sentence
 * Removed the second. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "After undergoing a Fujiwhara-like interaction..." You should not force your readers to use links and read other articles to understand what you're talking about. Some brief explanation of this interaction is necessary within thus text.
 * Added. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Why is "Moisture" capitalised later in the sentence?
 * Lowercased. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * What is a "stalled low"?
 * Already wikilinked. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Arizona


 * "On September 10 and September 11" - unnecessarily repetitive. "On September 10–11..."
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "resulted in" → "caused". Also "the city of Yuma", not just "Yuma".
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Unnecessary link on "golf ball". And it should be "hailstones the size of golfballs"
 * Sorta. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "hail ground to a depth of 5 in (13 cm)" - what does this mean?
 * Reworded. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Where is the Davis Dam? Not in California, evidently, but where?
 * On the Colorado River. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * California


 * "slippery-roads" - two words, not hyphenated
 * Okey smokey. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Record flood stage was attained at numerous streams near the Coachella Valley" Awkward use of passive voice. Better: "Numerous streams near the Coachella Valley attained record flood levels" ("stage" is surely the wrong word)
 * ✅. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "Widespread property damage on the eastern slopes of the Sierra Nevada as well as the nearby desert." This is not a complete sentence (lacks a verb)
 * Added a verb. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "...decided in 1977 to abandon most of a railroad." - "the railroad".
 * Good catch. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * ..."received considerable damage" - I think you "suffer" rather than "receive" damage
 * Yeah. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * "a one and 160 year event"? What does that mean?
 * Wikilinked. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * You don't need "USD"
 * Removed. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * The final sentence "Parts of California were declared a disaster area" looks tagged on as an afterthought and would be better located earlier in the section.
 * It is aftermath. 16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)
 * Wyoming and Montana

I hope these observations are helpful. Also, the toolbox (top right of this review) reveals one link to a disambiguation page. Brianboulton (talk) 12:09, 21 November 2011 (UTC)
 * In Wyoming, the cyclone is credited with the first known sighting of a White Ibis in the state's history." A little context is required for this rather odd sentence.
 * Not much can be added, bit I re-worded it. YE  Pacific   Hurricane  16:24, 3 December 2011 (UTC)

Comments by Josve05a
- (t)  Josve05a  (c)  23:21, 22 November 2013 (UTC)
 * Checklinks found 1 dead links out of a total of 18 links