Wikipedia:Peer review/Hurricane Lenny/archive1

Hurricane Lenny
This peer review discussion has been closed. I plan on taking this to FAC in the future, and I'd like some feedback on the article before I did so. Thanks! ♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 18:25, 17 January 2012 (UTC)

Comment - This article is in need of a basic copy-edit. Check for proper usage of hyphenated compounds, commas after date clauses (e.g. "and on November 14 the National Hurricane Center (NHC) upgraded it" needs a comma after "November 14"), unnecessarily wordy constructions ("as well as" when "and" would suffice; double-clause sentences with multiple subjects referring to the same thing), missing words and typos (I've seen several), and style inconsistencies (such as whether the serial comma is implemented or not). There is also some overlinking.  Auree   ★  04:02, 18 January 2012 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This is good, although small glitches mar the effect in places, as others note above. I did quite a bit of proofing, and I have other suggestions as listed below. Please revert any of my edits that you think are wooden-headed. I tried to use a light touch.
 * You might take a look at listing it at WikiProject_Guild_of_Copy_Editors/Requests. Allens (talk) 15:36, 23 January 2012 (UTC)
 * Alright, I requested a copyedit. As for hyphenated compounds, I see a few usages of "record-breaking" (which I thought appropriate) and "island-wide" (which again seems fine). I think they're fine. I fixed the date clause thingy, removed "as well as"ses. --♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 04:21, 27 January 2012 (UTC)
 * I meant that there are instances where a hyphen is lacking when it's needed.  Auree    ★  19:15, 27 January 2012 (UTC)
 * Oops :/ --♫ Hurricanehink ( talk ) 19:58, 27 January 2012 (UTC)
 * Thanks Finetooth - the prose has been much improved after your c/e. I also had a go at tweaking the MH a bit, so some of your suggestions below might have been fixed in my run.  Auree    ★  21:46, 29 January 2012 (UTC)

Lead
 * "On the island, the hurricane destroyed over 200 properties, and there were three deaths." - Stick with active voice? Suggestion: "On the island, the hurricane destroyed more than 200 properties and killed three people."

Meteorological history
 * "The origins of Hurricane Lenny were from a low pressure area that was first observed in the southwestern Caribbean Sea on November 8." - Active voice? Suggestion: "Hurricane Lenny formed in a low-pressure area that was first observed in the southwestern Caribbean Sea on November 8."


 * "It developed an area of convective that day, although for the next few days the system remained poorly defined." - I think you mean "convection" rather than "convective".
 * This was fixed in my copy-edit.  Auree    ★  21:46, 29 January 2012 (UTC)


 * "Upon first becoming a tropical cyclone, the depression's convection was fairly disorganized, and the National Hurricane Center did not anticipate any strengthening for three days." - I don't think you can say that the convection became a tropical cyclone since "convection" is a name for a kind of air movement. The cyclone and its movements are different things. Suggestion: "When Lenny first became a tropical cyclone, its convection was fairly disorganized, and the National Hurricane Center did not anticipate any strengthening for three days."
 * Removed redundant ""Upon first becoming a tropical cyclone" in the copy-edit.  Auree    ★  21:46, 29 January 2012 (UTC)


 * "The path resulted from its movement along the southern end of a trough over the western Atlantic Ocean that extended from the lower to the upper levels of the atmosphere." - Would it be helpful to specifically state the general orientation of the trough, which I assume was also west–east? Also, move "the Western Atlantic Ocean" to the end of the sentence for clarity?


 * "the group also reported a minimum pressure of 933 mbar, which was a drop of 34 mbar in 24 hours" - Should these have conversions to inches of mercury, such as: 933 mbar?


 * "Around the time it peaked in intensity, Lenny slowed its motion due to moving between two ridges." - Does this mean its forward motion? Suggestion: "Around the time of its peak intensity, Lenny's forward motion slowed as the storm passed between two atmospheric ridges." Or something like that.
 * I had tweaked this to something slightly different -- how does that read?  Auree    ★  21:46, 29 January 2012 (UTC)
 * Your version is good. Finetooth (talk) 23:25, 29 January 2012 (UTC)


 * "Despite favorable conditions, the hurricane began weakening as it turned to an eastward drift, possibly due to upwelling of cooler waters." - Slightly contradictory. Maybe "despite apparently favorable conditions for strengthening"? If the conditions had really been favorable for strengthening, the hurricane would have strengthened.


 * "Late on November 19, Lenny weakened to tropical storm intensity, after the center became exposed from the convection due to increased wind shear." - Would it be more clear just to say "Late on November 19, Lenny weakened to tropical storm intensity as increased wind shear disrupted the center"?

Preparations
 * "southern coast of the Dominican Republic, and only a hurricane watch was issued for the southern coast of Haiti" - Link Dominican Republic and Haiti? I think these are the first mention of these places in the article.


 * "A hurricane watch was issued for Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands late on November 15, which was upgraded... " - Since it was not the date that was upgraded, I'd suggest moving things around a bit, like this: "Late on November 15, a hurricane watch, upgraded to a hurricane warning six hours later, was issued for Puerto Rico and the Virgin Islands."


 * "After Lenny made its closest approach to the island, the hurricane warning was downgraded to a tropical storm warning on November 17, which was discontinued the following day along with the advisories in the Virgin Islands." - Same problem here. Suggestion: "After Lenny made its closest approach to the island, the hurricane warning was downgraded on November 17 to a tropical storm warning, which was discontinued the next day along with the advisories in the Virgin Islands."

Impact
 * Since the death toll box displaces an edit button, I'd consider moving it down. Alternatively, you might merge the opening paragraph with the "Central Caribbean" subsection.


 * "on the storm's fringe killed a man after striking him with a beam." - Could you add what kind of beam? Wooden? Torn loose from a house?

Lesser Antilles
 * "On Saba, there was an unofficial wind gust of 167 mph (268 km/h) before the instrument blew away." - Rather than "instrument", it would be good to say what kind of instrument. Anemometer, maybe?


 * "The sustained wind report at the airport was the highest land observation from Lenny." - A bit awkward. Suggestion: "The sustained wind report at the airport was the highest recorded for Lenny over any land mass." Or something like that.


 * "Due to the hurricane's unusual track from the west, it produced unparalleled waves of 10–16 (3–5 m) along the western coast of St. Martin,[31] which damaged or destroyed many boats." - Suggestion: "The hurricane's unusual west–east track produced unparalleled waves of 10 to 16 ft along the west coast of St. Martin."


 * "power utilities" - Maybe just "utilities" since these seemed to have included telephone lines, which are not the same as power lines.


 * "High damage to tourist areas caused a decrease in cruise lines. - Maybe this should say "in cruise-line business" rather than the lines themselves. Or did some companies go out of business altogether?

References
 * Who is the publisher of the material in citation 44? Is this a reliable source?


 * Citation 46 needs publisher data.


 * Is Island Sun in citation 21 a newspaper? If so, it should appear in italics.


 * Is the cruise line named in citation 50 a reliable source?


 * In citation 49, instead of naming the Wayback Machine, shouldn't you use the same kind of formatting found in citation 57?

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 21:28, 29 January 2012 (UTC)
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)