Wikipedia:Peer review/Illinois (album)/archive1

Illinois (album)
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because... the article was promoted to GA status several months ago with some suggestions for improvement. I have since made those changes and submitted it to WP:FAR, where it received feedback on the prose. While I was in the process of copyediting it, the nomination was closed. I would like someone else to take a look at the copy and see where it could use improvement so I can submit it again with some more professional language in the article. I would be happy to do the work of rewriting or collaborating with someone else to rewrite. Furthermore, I have some suggestions of my own on how to improve the article, but they are more straightforward and shouldn't be an impediment to FA or at least FA candidate status.

Thanks, —Justin (koavf)❤T☮C☺M☯ 19:10, 8 August 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulton comments: I don't have time to review this in as much detail as I would have liked, but here are a few pointers which I hope you find helpful:- Brianboulton (talk) 18:37, 19 August 2010 (UTC)
 * The article is way too listy at the moment. The Personnel section should be shortened (too much small detail - WP asks for summary style) and written in prose rather than bullet-point form. It should be located earlier in the article; I would suggest immediately before the Reception section. The three tables (Sales performance, ratings and track listing) should be at the end of the article, preferably in the same or similar format.
 * Not done This is consistent with WP:ALBUM and other featured album articles (with the exception of 1987 (What the Fuck Is Going On?).) —Justin (koavf)❤T☮C☺M☯ 05:23, 21 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Soundfiles and images
 * Soundfiles: The 3 sound clips are all of non-free material which might be thought excessive bearing in mind WP's commitment to free material. I will leave the fair use police to decide on this.
 * Done Removed 1 sound file that seemed to have the least value in the article.  Jujutacular  talk 05:44, 21 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Images: It may not be justifiable to have two non-free album covers under fair use rationales. Why not use the image of the four album covers as the lead image and drop the other? Bearing in mind the etent to which the article is presently cluttered with images and soundfiles, I think the Bellow image is of marginal relevance and could be dropped.
 * Partially done Per WP:ALBUM, we should show the album's cover in the infobox and any alternate depictions can be placed in the rest of the article or at the end of the infobox using Extra album cover. You are right about the article being cramped with media, though. —Justin (koavf)❤T☮C☺M☯ 05:21, 21 August 2010 (UTC)
 * Prose: Even with a fairly quick skim-through I found a number of instances of dodgy prose. Examples:-
 * "In preparation for creating the album..." ("Before the creation of the album...")
 * Present punctuation makes this impossible to fathom: "..with most of the material recorded in the Astoria, Queens studio The Buddy Project studio and Stevens' Brooklyn apartment" Suggest: "with most of the material recorded at The Buddy Project studio in Queens, and in Stevens' Brooklyn apartment"
 * "Like his previous albums, Stevens recorded in various locations," Begin "As with..."
 * Amongst → among
 * "...including the "Multiple Personality Disorder Version" was produced during a subsequent tour." (missing "which" before "was"?)
 * Accessibility: The paragraph beginning "Stevens employed low fidelity recording equipment..." is written in technical prose which the general reader cannot reasonably be expected to understand.
 * "swapped out" - informal/slang
 * Done I have amended all of these as you suggested and made the technical section more straightforward. —Justin (koavf)❤T☮C☺M☯ 05:21, 21 August 2010 (UTC)
 * A few general points
 * The Background section should say something about the "grand concept" of an album for each of the fifty states, mentioned in the lead but not in the main article.
 * "Most notable is Stevens' use of large orchestral arrangements..." Whose view is this?
 * "Illinois" should not be used as a subsection title, since it is the title of the article.
 * Done —Justin (koavf)❤T☮C☺M☯ 05:21, 21 August 2010 (UTC)