Wikipedia:Peer review/Israel/archive1

Israel
I have been putting a lot of work into this article over the past two months or so and I plan to put forth a featured article candidacy by the end of August. Essentially, I want to get some feedback on the overall quality of the article – whether anything major has been overlooked, whether the article is (gasp) neutral enough, etc, etc. While this peer review is occurring, I will be copyediting, and otherwise proofreading the article, and perhaps raising a few points on Talk:Israel. I'm sure there may be a few other editors doing the same types of things. Feel free to leave a review here, respond to comments on the talk page, and/or contribute as you see fit. --  tariq abjotu  19:51, 13 August 2007 (UTC)
 * The article improved a lot, but still the two idiot groups make it a playground every now and than.

--Stone 12:16, 14 August 2007 (UTC)
 * The first comment would be on the freedom of the press,[8] business regulations,[9] economic competition,[10] and overall human development although right it is a little bit too much for the lead.
 * I'm not going to touch the lead with a ten-foot pole. There has been quite a bit a conflict over the intro, and it seems to be stabilizing. I'm not going to act on this unless it becomes an issue in the FAC. --  tariq abjotu  05:01, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * In the Ancient history it should be mentioned who lived there in the specific times, because occupied sounds more like beeng empty excepting military.
 * ✅ Perhaps you fixed this yourself (or someone else has changed the wording since your posting), but it currently does not say "occupied". --  tariq abjotu  05:01, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * First reading this I thought of black humor, but looking into the past... Foreign relations and military Main articles: Foreign relations of Israel and Israel Defense Forces (combining Foreign relations directly with military sounds funny.)
 * ❌ It's done in India and Japan, both featured articles. --  tariq abjotu  05:01, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * The economy of Gaza and the West Bank is part of the statistics especially that of the settlements or is it listed elsewere? Israel calls them disputed, but the legal and economic implications are unknown to me and should be mentioned somewere. (Without Gaza West Bank and settlements there.)
 * ❌ These are covered in the West Bank and Gaza articles. --  tariq abjotu  05:01, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * I would move life expectancy ´from education to demographics
 * ❌ It's talking about school life expectancy, not the regular life expectancy. --  tariq abjotu  05:01, 25 August 2007 (UTC)

My $.02:
 * 1) Merge the third paragraph in the lead somewhere. Someone put break tags in, but I don't see the need for them.
 * ✅. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) No mention of Israel being in the Middle East the second-to-last sentence in the lead.
 * 2) First sentence of the Etymology sentence reads very awkwardly.
 * ✅ --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Strongly consider trimming the history section down and moving information to sub-articles.
 * 2) Not sure how the Ottoman empire was "ancient history", seeing how they cotrolled the region as recently as 100 years ago.
 * ✅. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) In the Etymology section, "diaspora" is capitalized; in the Zionism and the... section, it is not.
 * 2) The Ancient history section brings the reader to the 20th century, and then immediately goes chronologically backwards in the next subsection.
 * ❌ The (former) ancient history section mentions the twentieth century but does not bring the reader to it. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Aspiration to return to Israel and poetry of Yehuda Halevi would probably be more appropriately discussed in other articles.
 * ✅. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Individual years should not be wikilinked, per WP:DATE.
 * 2) Is the person who is credited with founding the Zionist movement really needed here? Or atleast those several sentences can be merged.
 * ❌ Herzl is an important figure in Israel's history.
 * 1) Should the "kibbutz movement" be capitalized (i.e., is it the real name of a historical movement)?
 * ✅. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Overall copyedit (I will try to do so soon).
 * 2) Probably should wikilink pogroms instead of pipelinking it.
 * ❌ Too difficult; I have removed the word. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Consider replacing "500 pounds" with the symbol for British pounds, and wikilinking the symbol to the article on British pounds.
 * ❌ See following item. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Actually, consider removing the sentence altogether and putting it somewhere else.
 * ✅ --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Regarding the Third and Fourth Aliyahs, consider revising the following sentence to omit the word "they". Maybe I'm being silly, but "they" to me, and generally, refers to people, not movements.
 * ❌ You are being silly; they works perfectly fine. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) Wikilink Mandatory Palestine.
 * ✅ --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) The sentence "In 1939, the British introduced..."' is its own paragraph. Merge it somewhere.
 * ✅ --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)
 * 1) "During World War II, as Jews fled the Holocaust in Europe and countries around the world refused to take them in or allow ships of refugees to enter their ports, a clandestine immigration movement known as Aliyah Bet was organized to bring Jews to Palestine."' can be rewritten as "Jews fled the Holocaust in Euruope and settled in Palestine through the efforts of a clandestine immigration movement known as Aliyah Bet.
 * ❌ This has since be re-phrased differently. --  tariq abjotu  05:28, 25 August 2007 (UTC)

I'm going to stop here for the moment (at the Independence subsection) and return later. Pepsidrinka 21:11, 16 August 2007 (UTC)