Wikipedia:Peer review/Jabari Parker/archive1

Jabari Parker
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because the fact that this is getting passed over during the WP:GAN backlog elimination drive probably means it is a hard article for people to review. Maybe it needs some cleanup.

Thanks, TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 07:15, 31 December 2011 (UTC)


 * Comments by Sarastro

I actually found this article to be hard work to read. It is very choppy and facts seem to be spread through it a little randomly. It makes it hard to follow and the prose does not flow. I only read as far as the end of "Sophomore year" but these are a few comments on what I read. As it stands, in my opinion it is still some way short of GA standard. I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have any questions please ask me on my talk page. --Sarastro1 (talk) 15:53, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "Parker is considered the top player in the recruiting class of 2013 by ESPN[1] and Scout.com[2] as well as numerous experts. Rivals.com lists him second.": Suggest: "Many experts consider Parker the top player in the recruiting class of 2012, including ESPN and Scout.com, and Rivals.com lists him second."
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 16:19, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * On a related note, I think the lead overdoes this idea of him being highly regarded. I think the sentence above would do the job, and the lead is not the place for a long list like this. The idea is established without needing to emphasise it.
 * I disagree a bit. Based on his current notability, the lead discusses his points of distinction. I have written a ton of sports GAs and generally, you summarize the greatest accolades in the WP:LEAD.  The accolades are a bit different at the high school level than they are at the pro and collegiate level, but they are the yardstick by which an athlete at his level is measured. I don't think a one- or two-sentence lead is advisable.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 16:25, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "which is Derrick Rose' high school alma mater": Why is this significant for the lead? If there is a reason, it should be made clear for the non-specialist.
 * I am summarizing the WP:RS. Half of the articles you read about him talk about him playing in Derrick Rose' shadow.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 22:23, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * The lead in general is a little choppy and list; could it be made to flow a little better? It seems to be a list of "he is great because he won x award and y rated him great".
 * I see you are actually a cricket guy. Can you tell me if you understand the difference between these two sentences: "Many experts consider Parker the top player in the recruiting class of 2013, including ESPN and Scout.com,[1][2] and Rivals.com lists him second..[3] Prior to his junior season, Dime Magazine declared him the best high school basketball player in the country,[4] while a ten-member panel at ESPN HS rated him second.[5][6]"--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 16:30, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "Sonny has directed a youth foundation serving hundreds of kids in and around Chicago since 1990." This is a very odd way to begin the main body. It should state in full who "Sonny" was and why is this the first sentence when the article is about Jabari?
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 22:42, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * I did only a couple of spot checks but found this close paraphrasing.:
 * Article" "Sonny has directed a youth foundation serving hundreds of kids in and around Chicago since 1990. Jabari discovered basketball in one of his father's leagues, although his father has never coached one of his teams"
 * Source: "Since 1990, Sonny has directed a youth foundation that provides mentoring and life skills for hundreds of kids in and around Chicago. Jabari discovered his love for the game through his dad's basketball leagues."
 * Instance fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:49, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "He actually made the eighth-grade team as a fourth-grader": For which team?
 * The earliest school I have documented for him was his eighth grade school. I don't know where he attended 4th grade.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:35, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "and made headlines": Tabloidy.
 * "he made his high school choice the same as Rose, Nick Anderson, Ben Wilson, Bobby Simmons, and Deon Thomas before him": I think these lists of names make it hard work to read the article. Why are these names significant (for the non-specialist) and why not give Rose's name in full as this is his first mention in the main body. Also, why was this a big deal and what was the school? It should be explained here on its first mention.
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:00, 23 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "Simeon waived its freshman varsity team ban for Parker ": The school's name should be given in full here. What is the ban that it usualy has? Again, it should be explained.
 * Done.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:26, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "Parker was the first freshman to start on the Simeon varsity team in school history, but he has been playing with kids older than him since the third or fourth grade." Why the sudden switching into present tense and "kids" is very unencyclopedic. And it should be made clear that he is only the first because of the previous rule, something the source makes clear.
 * How is it now?--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:06, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "He was part of an incoming class of freshman that was considered to have the best trio in state history (Whitney M. Young Magnet High School's Tommy Hamilton Jr., De La Salle Institute's Alex Foster and Parker)" Best trio of what? This is very unclear.
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:02, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "With Hamilton and Parker in the fold, Simeon and Young renewed their dormant annual rivalry": What annual rivalry? What is Young? Although the school is named in the previous sentence, it is not clear that this is what you mean. It looks more like a surname when given like this.
 * Is it clearer now?--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 23:18, 22 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "The game became highly anticipated when Simeon moved into second behind Young in the City rankings." This does not read easily. Maybe: "When Simeon moved behind Young in the City rankings, the game became highly anticipated." But I'm not too keen on "anticipated" here. And why so much focus on the school, rather than the player?
 * Swapped in suggestion.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:46, 23 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "While a freshman on the varsity, he volunteered as waterboy for the junior varsity games.": I'm afraid I just don't understand this. To when are these events referring? After his debut? Did he not play in this match of which the background has been explained?
 * "He missed the final three quarters of the championship game against renewed rival Whitney Young due to a foot injury." Why focus on one game so much; should it be three-quarters, and I don't think the rivalry needs mentioning again.
 * It is a state championship game. Usually a defining game. Removed rivalry though.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:13, 26 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "As a sophomore, his team spent much of the season ranked nationally in the top five, according to the USA Today." Reads like the team was the sophomore.
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:15, 26 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "One game was aired on ESPN." Why is this significant for Parker?
 * "Despite having been ESPN HS National Freshman of the year, Parker dipped to number six in the ESPNU Terrific 25 sophomores in December 2010." I don't think "despite" works here as I don't see any reason why his prior ranking would affect his ranking for another season.
 * fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:17, 26 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "However, the team's 23-game winning streak was snapped": Snapped is not encyclopaedic.
 * Fixed.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:19, 26 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "Parker measured 6 feet 8 inches (2.03 m) 225 pounds (102.1 kg).": Why is this inserted in the middle of his second year performances?
 * I should go back and add some of his heights from earlier years.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:20, 26 January 2012 (UTC)
 * I added his 5th and 8th grade heights.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:48, 26 January 2012 (UTC)
 * "That season, he scored 15.3 points and 5.9 rebounds/game": Presumably these are averages? It should say so rather than "scored".
 * Thanks.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:22, 26 January 2012 (UTC)
 * The last five sentences of "Sophomore Year" seem to be on five completely unrelated facts, or at least they read that way. This makes it hard to get any sense of narrative, and the lists of names and awards make it even harder to get a grip on what is happening. I think this happens throughout the article.
 * Not sure how to make them flow better. Advice welcome.--TonyTheTiger (T/C/BIO/WP:CHICAGO/WP:FOUR) 00:24, 26 January 2012 (UTC)

Further comments: Most of the changes look pretty good; where we may disagree in a few places, it would not be enough to stop it passing GA if I were the reviewer, and based on what I have read (only the first few sections) this looks like a pretty solid pass at GA now. It may benefit from a quick copy-edit though: I did notice one typo further down the article ("That January, Simeon faced top nationoal competition..."). Also, I have not read the remainder of the article as my time is slightly limited over the next few days. --Sarastro1 (talk) 22:14, 26 January 2012 (UTC)