Wikipedia:Peer review/Jean-Hilaire Aubame/archive1

===Jean-Hilaire Aubame===


 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.
 * A script has been used to generate a semi-automated review of the article for issues relating to grammar and house style; it can be found on the automated peer review page for September 2008.

This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because I am trying to bring it to FA status. Any constructive criticism is applauded.

Thanks, Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 21:39, 20 September 2008 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Jean-Hilaire Aubame/archive1.

Comments from Yohhans talk - Back by popular demand ( :-P ), a prose checkup. I'll hit MoS and content if I can.

General comments Lead Youth and early political career Deputy to the French National Assembly Deputy to the Gabonese Territorial Assembly
 * There are a lot of red links. I would say get rid of the least important of them unless you know you're going to be creating those articles shortly.
 * I have removed a couple, though quite a few remain. Given that Gabon is on of the least covered countries on Wikipedia, they encourage article growth. Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 21:32, 21 September 2008 (UTC)
 * I agree that these areas need to be expanded, but think you would find it difficult to get through FAC without someone commenting on the number of red links. - Yohhans talk 00:35, 22 September 2008 (UTC)
 * OK. I'll probably go on a stub-creating spree tomorrow. I think that, of all of them, Louis-Paul Aujoulat probably has the potential for a DYK. Most ofthe sources on him are in French, and my knowledge of that language is pretty slim, but I'll see what I can do. Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 00:56, 22 September 2008 (UTC)
 * A member of the Fang ethnic group, Aubame was orphaned at a young age. - What does being a member of the Fang group have to do with him being orphaned?
 * Changed to: "Born into a Fang family, Aubame was orphaned at a young age." Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 21:40, 21 September 2008 (UTC)
 * I see what you were trying to do. Looks good now. - Yohhans talk 00:35, 22 September 2008 (UTC)
 * He was raised by the stepbrother of Léon M'ba, who would become Aubame's chief political rival. - Sounds better (to me) as, "He was raised by the stepbrother of his future political rival, Léon M'ba."
 * Done. Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 21:41, 21 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Fairly quickly, Gabonese politics became dominated by Aubame, supported by the Missions and the administration, and M'ba, supported by the settlers. - Rather tough sentence to get through and needs to be reworded. Maybe something like, "Aubames quick rise in Gabonese politics was spurred by the support of the Missions and administration, whereas much of M'ba's strength came from the settlers (side note: who are the settlers?)."
 * Done. The settlers were the colonists; clarified. Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 21:50, 21 September 2008 (UTC)
 * That makes more sense. Good. - Yohhans talk 00:35, 22 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Despite the rivalry, now President M'ba and Aubame formed political unions, sufficiently balanced to appeal to the electorate. - Not sure what's happening in this sentence but it needs to be reworked.
 * Changed to "Despite the rivalry, Aubame and M'ba, now the President of Gabon, formed several political unions which were sufficiently politically balanced to appeal to the electorate." Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 21:16, 23 September 2008 (UTC)
 * Tensions soon rose between the two, - Would be good to state why tensions soon rose.
 * "due to Aubame's refusal to merge his party with M'ba's to create a single party state." Your friend Eddy of the wiki [citation needed] 21:49, 23 September 2008 (UTC)
 * President, Omar Bongo, released Aubame in 1972. - Was he really released if he was in exile though? How about rewording the sentence to, "M'ba's successor as President, Omar Bongo, approved/allowed(which ever sounds better) the return of Aubame to Gabon in 1972."?
 * Done. the editorofthewiki (talk/contribs/editor review) 11:02, 3 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Aubame lost his father at the age of eight and his mother at eleven. - Do the sources (or the French wiki) say how his parents died? Might be nice to have this included.
 * No, they don't. the editorofthewiki (talk/contribs/editor review) 23:21, 5 October 2008 (UTC)
 * several Roman Catholic missions. - Why is "missions" not capitalized here, but it is in the lead?
 * Fixed. the editorofthewiki (talk/contribs/editor review) 23:21, 5 October 2008 (UTC)
 * When he graduated, M'ba helped get him a job in customs on March 24, 1931. - Did he graduate on March 24, 1931 or did he get the job on that date? As it reads now, it seems like both things happened on that day.
 * Clarified. the editorofthewiki (talk/contribs/editor review) 23:21, 5 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Following the Appeal of 18 June 1940 - Might be better to give a bit more information here. Something like, "Following the speech given by Charles de Gaul on the Appeal of 18 June 1940 ... "
 * Done. ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:32, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * From when they met in February 1942 Aubame was a protégé of colonial administrator Félix Éboué,[6] and kept Éboué informed on African affairs.
 * What's the problem here? ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:36, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * The munipal president participated in the - Is this just an attempt to not keep using Aubame's name over and over? Because if that's the case, I would suggest using his name here. As it is, it is just confusing.
 * Yeah, it was; changed. ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:36, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * After Éboué's sudden death in March 1944, Aubame worked as an adviser - Did he do that while being minicipal president? Or was this after that in 1946?
 * Did you read further? He was an adviser to "Governor-General André Bayardelle and his secretary André Soucadoux". ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:40, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * Around this time, - Can we be more accurate?
 * Removed in rewriting the article. ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:40, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * political career after being exiled to - Why was he exiled?
 * See above. ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:40, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * During this period he lived in Paris and toured Gabon regularly. - What period? We have no reference point.
 * Changet to "while a deputy..." ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 00:40, 21 October 2008 (UTC)
 * from the interior, particularly Woleu-N'Tem province.[10] had few fundamental ideological - Err... What happened here?
 * Fairly quickly, Gabonese politics became dominated by Aubame, supported by the Missions and the administration, and M'ba, supported by the settlers. - Same sentence from the lead that needs retooling.
 * Reelected in the March 1957 elections, the UDSG also placed first, - Is this a race?
 * However, in the absence of an absolute majority, - I'm confused... Aubame won 21/40. Last I checked, that's a majority. Unless "absolute majority" means something else?
 * That same day, M'ba was appointed vice president of the government. Soon, divisions within the government grew, - I feel like this is a rather large leap. Did divisions grow because M'ba was appointed vice president?


 * I'm going to stop there for now. It's getting late. I shall finish this when I have time tomorrow. It's looking pretty good so far. - Yohhans talk 05:11, 21 September 2008 (UTC)

More comments - Yohhans talk

Leader of the opposition 1964 Gabon coup d'état Later life References End
 * Gabon more or less gained its independence. - "more or less"? If it was a conditional independence then this needs to be explained.
 * Legislative elections were scheduled for June 19, 1960 through the Scrutin de Liste voting system, a form of bloc voting in which each party offers a list of candidates who the population vote for; the list that obtains a majority of votes is declared the winner and wins all the contested seats. - Long sentence with multiple clauses that can easily be broken up into multiple sentences.
 * the BDG arbitrarily received 244 seats, while the UDSG received 77. - Was it truly arbitrary? Or was it because of the new boundaries?
 * M'ba, now President of Gabon, decided to dissolve the Assembly - Is this the Territorial Assembly? If so, I think it would be good to say as much.
 * and looked to the opposition to strengthen his position. - Was Aubame the opposition (or part of the opposition) that M'ba sought help from?
 * "hyperprésidentiel" - translation?
 * A general comment about this section. It feels more about M'ba than about Aubame. You keep talking about Aubame in relation to M'ba rather than the other way around. Examples: "With Aubame, he formed a number of sufficiently balanced political unions", "On February 19, he broke his ties with Aubame;", "He(M'ba) called for new elections to reduce the number of seats", not to mention the fact that, despite it being the title, you never state that Aubame is the leader of the opposition. As it stands, he feels like a secondary or even tertiary figure to M'ba.
 * Title changed to "opposition leader", even though the two were archenemies. Will try to flesh out M'ba's role. ~  one of many editorofthewikis ( talk / contribs / editor review ) ~ 19:52, 14 October 2008 (UTC)
 * On Radio Libreville, the military announced to the Gabonese people that a coup d'état had taken place, and that they required technical assistance and told the French not interfere in this matter. - and ... and ...
 * The people did not react strongly, - define "react strongly". Do you mean they did not openly protest?
 * and the presidency was offered to Aubame. - Did he accept the offer?
 * 250 kilometres from Libreville. - needs a conversion to imperial units
 * But in Paris, de Gaulle decided otherwise. - It is usually poor form to start a sentence with "but", but it is definitely poor form to start a paragraph that way.
 * Since M'ba was otherwise occupied, - otherwise occupied with what? I assume imprisonment or something similar, but cannot be too sure.
 * The entire first paragraph of this section is about M'ba. I reiterate, the entire first paragraph in a section which is to detail Aubame's later life, is about M'ba. So far, only Early life and political career and Deputy have really been about Aubame. The rest of the article has been overwhelmed by M'ba (who I realize is very important, but he already has a well written article).
 * I removed that paragraph. Your friend  the editorofthewiki (talk/contribs/random article/editor review) 17:40, 27 September 2008 (UTC)
 * was opened in Lambarene. - I assume this is a town/city in Gabon?
 * their involvement in the coup was due to a lack of development in the Gabonese army. - I don't understand how this is a justification. Can you reword it so that it is more clear why they were involved in the coup? Also, since this is talking about the coup, it should go in that section.
 * Even though he did not participate in its planning, Aubame was sentenced to 10 years of hard labor and 10 years of exile[51] on a remote island off the coast of Gabon, as were most criminals of the case. - Might sound better as "Even though he did not participate in its planning, Aubame received a punishment similar to those directly involved in the coup. He was sentenced to 10 years of hard labor and 10 years of exile[51] on a remote island off the coast of Gabon."
 * While serving his 10 years of labor, he was beaten by his prison guards. - Seems kind of random and superfluous. Is this just here so that we pity Aubame? Also, is this statement corroborated by the Yates citation?
 * Michael C. Reed speculates - Who is he and why do we care?
 * You're using both the Citation and Harvnb templates. Pick one form of citation stick with it.
 * My main gripe with the article is its large focus on M'ba. I realize that to talk about Aubame, you must also talk about M'ba due to their lives being intertwined, but this is too much. Also, it would be nice to know (if possible) what happened to Aubame while he was in exile all those years, whether he married, had kids, etc. Give the man an identity other than the fact that he existed to oppose M'ba. But I must say, it has once again been an interesting read. Now I know far more about the 1964 coup and its important characters than I ever thought possible. You're doing great work. :) - Yohhans talk 17:19, 21 September 2008 (UTC)

Comments from
 * You said you wanted to know what to work on before taking to FAC, so I looked at the sourcing and referencing with that in mind. I reviewed the article's sources as I would at FAC. The sourcing looks good. Note that this doesn't mean that the way the sources are used was checked, just whether they would be considered reliable.
 * Hope this helps. Please note that I don't watchlist Peer Reviews I've done. If you have a question about something, you'll have to drop a note on my talk page to get my attention. (My watchlist is already WAY too long, adding peer reviews would make things much worse.) 13:52, 7 October 2008 (UTC)