Wikipedia:Peer review/Jeff Arwadi/archive1

Jeff Arwadi
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because…

I just want some feedback on the article.

Thanks, 3family6 (talk) 15:23, 18 February 2011 (UTC)

Lead
 * Sources do not need to be included in the lead and infobox as they referenced in the article body
 * This is just a suggestion, is there any to expand the lead? WP:LEAD states that articles with fewer than 1,500 should have one-two paragraphs

Article body
 * Two paragraphs (beginning with “On 2006, Jeff Arwadi moved to Canada…” and “On 2009, Jeff announced that…”) in the “Kekal” section needs additional references as both of them are unreferenced.
 * ”Jeff decided to quit this band in 1991, and spend time learning the guitar more seriously” perhaps “In 1991, Jeff decided to quit the band to spend more time learning the guitar”? The following sentence “In 1992” could be replaced with “A year later”.
 * The sentence “Despite his leaving Kekal, Jeff still contributes to the band, which is releasing its eight studio album, appropriately titled 8.” is separated from the paragraphs. Either expand it to make a paragraph or merge it into one of the paragraphs.
 * The section “Other projects” has only one sentence and is unreferenced. I suggest either expanding the section or merge it into one of the sentences.
 * ”Though Jeff and the other members of Kekal are Christians, the band has maintained that it is about music, life, and universality, and does not endorse any particular belief.[14][15]” This sentence is separated from a paragraph. Either expand it or merge it onto one of the paragraphs.
 * I’ve noticed some superlatives, for example: “This was his first serious band” What makes it a “serious band”?

References' Additional tips
 * I would suggest removing the reference after “Nekrofonik – 2004” and put it on the relevant section in the article
 * Is there a secondary or third-party source for the Soundmind Graphics sections? The one from Allmusic is fine.
 * I highly recommend you go through a copyedit for the article. You can someone do it for you or request at WP:GOCE

I hope these suggestions are helpful. Magiciandude (talk) 14:51, 21 February 2011 (UTC)


 * Thank you, I'll get to work on your suggestions.--3family6 (talk) 12:55, 8 March 2011 (UTC)