Wikipedia:Peer review/Jennifer Connelly/archive3

Jennifer Connelly
This peer review discussion has been closed. The article has failed a recent FAC, the article has some issues which are listed here. Help is needed to identify unclear phrasing and close paraphrasing issues, as well as the other problems noted during the FAC.
 * Previous peer review

Thanks, GD uwen  Tell me!  21:01, 11 July 2011 (UTC)

Comments by H1nkles

I commend you for your work on this article, bringing it to FA is a worthwhile effort don't lose heart. I've had a few articles fall short for just the issues you are asking about so I will get nitpicky and try and give you suggestions at even the most minute levels. It could take a little bit of time so bare with me and we'll get through this. What's tricky about these reviews is that writing is an art as much as a science and what maybe fine to one person is a glaring gaffe to another so we do our best and hope for the best. I'll break down my review by section.

Lead
 * First off, one sentence paragraphs are not good, consider expanding or combining.
 * You may want to include birth location, isn't that usually in BLPs?
 * "As a teenager, Connelly continued her career as a model, at the same time starring in films such as Labyrinth and Career Opportunities." Consider condensing thus: "Connelly continued her career as a model and actress, starring in films such as Labyrinth and Career Opportunities."  I don't think you need "as a teenager" and you have three "as" in one sentence.
 * In the sentence about her awards for A Beautiful Mind what do you think about condensing the titles of the awards? Perhaps like this: "In 2002, Connelly won an Academy Award, a Golden Globe Award and a BAFTA award as a supporting actress this part could be removed for her role as Alicia Nash in Ron Howard's biopic A Beautiful Mind.
 * Done, I'm not sure that is really necessary to add the birth location in the lead since other FA's as Kirsten Dunst, Katie Holmes or Reese Witherspoon don't mention it.-- GD uwen  Tell me!  03:30, 24 July 2011 (UTC)

Birth and early life
 * Ref anchors should be at the end of sentences, not in the middle. It's not a particularly controversial statement so it's fine to put it at the end of the sentence.
 * I removed the "first" from "...she was first raised...." She wasn't second raised somewhere else, the first is superfluous.  These unnecessary words are land mines at FAC.  Check throughout and be merciless regarding them.
 * Is there a reason the family moved to Woodstock? If not fine if so it might be a good idea to add a sentence.  Just a thought though.
 * Done.-- GD uwen  Tell me!  20:51, 26 July 2011 (UTC)

Child modelling
 * "She appeared on the cover of the issues of Seventeen magazine of April 1986,[7] August 1986,[8] April 1987,[9] and December 1988." I'm not sure you need the months that she appeared on the cover of Seventeen.  Seems a bit detailed to me.  If you want to keep it I would rewrite this:  "She appeared on the cover of several issues of Seventeen magazine: April 1986..."
 * Done


 * "In a scene of the film..." of → from.
 * Done


 * "During the audition for the role, and without any knowledge of the dance, she made random movements imitating it that finally convinced the director to include her in the cast." Was she making random movement imitating a ballerina?  If so then I would rewrite this sentence as the wording is a little awkward: "During the audition for the role, and without any knowledge of the dance, she attempted to imitate a ballerina, which convinced the director to include her in the cast."
 * Done


 * "...followed by the lead in the coming-of-age movie Seven Minutes in Heaven the same year" Add "released" after "Heaven" and before "the".
 * Done


 * I'm not sure about the paragraph regarding her schooling at Yale and Stanford. It covers time from 1988-1990 but the next section goes backwards to 1986 and the Labrynth.  It seems out of order chronologically.  I can't suggest a better place to put it except perhaps in the next section, where it would fit the timeline.
 * I moved tha paragraph.--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)

1980's-90's
 * "ruled by King Jareth (David Bowie)." Remove as unnecessary detail. If you want to indicate that she was in the same film and Bowie then add it to the beginning of the sentence in something like, "she appeared alongside David Bowie in the science-fiction film..."  IMO it's not necessary though.
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * I like that you include critical comments about her acting. This shows balance in the article.
 * You may want to move the paragraph about her schooling into this section as a way to explain why she didn't do a movie for two years after Labrynth.
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "Criticized for exploiting Connelly's image, the complaints were caused by an ad that showed a scene where Connelly rode a mechanical horse while being looked at by Whaley." This is awkward writing because you don't say who was criticized.  The sentence should be rewritten.
 * "During the mid-1990s, Connelly demonstrated her ability to handle more mature roles with a 1995 appearance in the role of a collegiate lesbian in John Singleton's Higher Learning." Two uses of the word "role" try to find another term.
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * Watch out for terms like "renown". This could be construed as a peacock word.  If she's in a "supporting role" then isn't she backing those actors rather than them backing her?  Seems an odd way to say it if she isn't in the lead role.
 * I erased "Renown".-- GD uwen  Tell me!  20:53, 26 July 2011 (UTC)

Early 2000s
 * Again there are refs floating in the middle of sentences. Check this throughout, they can easily be put at the end of the sentences.
 * That's fixed.-- GD uwen  Tell me!  21:16, 26 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "Connelly stated that she was interested in the script for the depiction of the addictions of the characters and the impact in the life of their relatives and affections." I would rewrite thus: "Connelly stated that she was interested in the script for the depiction of the addictions and their impact on the lives of the characters' relatives and affections."  You have "of the characters" in the sentence before this one.  I think the rewrite will remove duplicative wording and liven up the prose a bit.
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * Thus far the only response to Connelly's acting has been quotes from the NY Times. Can you use other sources as well?
 * "Other actresses who auditioned for the role included Rachel Weisz, Hilary Swank, Mira Sorvino and Frances O'Connor." This should be referenced.
 * "...were auditioned alongside Russell Crowe..." Remove "were".
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "...Howard and the other producers..." Reword to "the producers..."  You can trim the writing down here.
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "...and earned Connelly a Golden Globe..." earned → earning.
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * What happened between 2001 and 2003? The timeline skips from Beautiful Mind to Hulk.
 * She took a hiatus--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "...was what had sparked her interest in the project..." Remove "had".
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)

"'' Remove "generally" unnecessary adverb.  Also "received" is used twice in four words, this should be rephrased.
 * "The struggles between Kathy and the foreign colonel intensify throughout the story as the characters enter a downward spiral of events." I don't think this sentence is necessary.
 * ''"The film was generally well-received worldwide and received critical acclaim...
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:15, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "She played Dahlia, a frightened young woman traumatized by her past, who moves with her daughter (Ariel Gade) to an apartment on Roosevelt Island in New York City where paranormal happenings take place." The "where paranormal happenings take place" part of this sentence is tagged on to the end awkwardly.  Can't think of a good rewrite but this sentence doesn't flow well the way it is written.

2008-2011
 * "In 2008, Connelly was named the face of the Balenciaga fashion house's advertisements and appeared in their publicity shots for 2009,[70] as well as becoming the new face of Revlon cosmetics." Not well written consider a rewrite: "Ballenciaga fashion house and Revlon cosmetics signed Connelly to promote their products in 2008."
 * Done--Gunt50 (talk) 00:20, 25 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "Connelly appeared alongside Keanu Reeves in the 2008 remake of the 1951 science fiction film The Day The Earth Stood Still. She played Princeton University astrobiologist Helen Benson." I would combine these sentences like this: "Connelly portrayed astrobiologist Helen Benson alongside Keanu Reeves in the 2008 remake of the 1951 science fiction film The Day The Earth Stood Still."
 * Done.-- GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:33, 26 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "Astronomer Seth Shostak helped her understand the requisite professional jargon of her character." I don't think this is a necessary or helpful sentence.
 * Done.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:33, 26 July 2011 (UTC)


 * "In 2011, Connelly starred in Ron Howard's comedy The Dilemma, which premiered on January 14 that year." It seems awkward to refer to 2011 as "that year".
 * Done.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:33, 26 July 2011 (UTC)

Personal life
 * "...she married the actor Paul Bettany..." Remove "the"
 * "The couple's first child and Connelly's second ...." Unnecessary, we know how many kids she's had to this point.
 * One sentence paragraph should be expanded or combined.
 * Not sure if the paragraph about the sanitation garage is really all that important. Just because celebrities have signed a petition doesn't make it notable.
 * Any other personal information? Religious views, political stands, etc.?
 * Done. I removed the paragraph about the garage, I was not very convinced but it's indeed trivial. About the last item, she has not stated that she follows any particular religion or that she has any political view. Her answers in interviews about those subjects do not make really clear any choice.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  20:42, 26 July 2011 (UTC)

Overall
 * You're real close, the stuff above is nitpicky and intended mostly to clean up the writing.
 * I see the FAC nom failed on what appears to be Nikkimaria's oppose. She did a thorough source review, which I have not done.  I recommend making sure your sources are accurately supporting your statements.
 * Check for format consistency in your references.
 * You italicize most of your site publishers, why? For example Yahoo and Rotten Tomatoes shouldn't be italicized.  Check WP:CITE for thoughts on using italics in your references.
 * You're on the right path. I hope this review helps get you to your destination.  Best of luck to you and please consider reviewing an article here to help with the backlog.  If you have specific questions please ping me on my talk page.  I don't watch review pages.  Best of luck to you and keep me posted on how it goes at FAC.  H1nkles (talk) citius altius fortius 22:25, 22 July 2011 (UTC)

Ruhrfisch comments: Sorry to be so slow in reviewing this, here are some suggestions for improvement.
 * According to WP:LEAD, the first sentence The article should begin with a declarative sentence telling the nonspecialist reader what (or who) is the subject. Is her career as a child model really worth including in the first sentence? I would include the fact that she won an Academy Award here (much more notable) and put the child modeling career in its own sentence.
 * Now it's "Jennifer Lynn Connelly (born December 12, 1970) is an award-winning American film actress", the Academy Award and the others as well are detailed below in the lead.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)
 * WP:OPENPARA does not support putting award-winning there, nor is it common practice. Nymf hideliho! 22:01, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * The lead is a summary of the whole article, so I try to inlcude every section in some way - nothing is said about her personal life, so I would include a sentence on that (probably in the third paragraph, which is a bit short). Perhaps something like "Connelly has been married to actor Paul Bettany since 2003; they have two children together and she has a child from a previous relationship." After all, the article says ...in 2009 [she] cited her family,[3] with whom she lives in TriBeCa, New York City,[92] as the most important thing in her life.[93]
 * Done. I also added her ambassadorship for Amnesty International.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * A biy clunky: Her family moved to Woodstock, New York in 1976, due that her father suffered from asthma, and the smog of the city affected him.[1] How about something like Her father suffered from asthma, so to family moved to Woodstock, New York in 1976 to escape the big city smog.[1]?
 * Fixed.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Would "modeling for print advertisements" sound better? As a result she joined the Ford Modeling Agency and began modelling in print advertisements...?
 * Done.--Gunt50 (talk) 15:19, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * I think I would use "in" and not "between" ''She appeared on the cover of several issues of Seventeen between 1986 and 1988.[7][8][9][10]
 * Done.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * I asked this in the previous peer review, but why is World of Goblins capitalized? Should it be in quotes?
 * Done.--Gunt50 (talk) 15:19, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * lamented sounds odd - perhaps "panned" Her portrayal was lamented by the The New York Times:... And why not make it active (not apssive) and slightly tighter? So The New York Times panned her portrayal [performance?]: ... If panned is too slangy, how about "The NYT was especially critical of her performance:..."
 * Done.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Tighten to ''Criticized for exploiting Connelly's image, the complaints were caused by an ad that showed Whaley watch Connelly ride a mechanical horse.
 * Done.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * I do not understand the word "cardboard" in the following sentence: The cardboard had written on it the phrase "He's about to have the ride of his life".[6] If this was a print ad, I think I would say something like The complaints were caused by an ad that showed Whaley watch Connelly ride a mechanical horse. The ad was criticized for exploiting Connelly's image, as the caption [voiceover?] was "He's about to have the ride of his life".[6]
 * Clarified.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * How about ''In 1995, Connelly demonstrated her ability to handle more mature roles when director John Singleton cast her as a lesbian college student in Higher Learning.[30]
 * Done.--Gunt50 (talk) 15:19, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Cast instead of hired? ''She was hired by the film's producer, Brian Gazer, to portray Alicia Nash...
 * Done.--Gunt50 (talk) 15:19, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * I would wikilink Academy Award, Golden Globe, and BAFTA
 * Done.-- <font color="#E62020" size="2.5px">GD <font color="#273BE2" size="2.5px">uwen  <font color="cyan" size="0.5px">Tell me!  21:47, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Tighten (and perhaps need to say in the previous sentence that Kingsley's character is a colonel or at least a former officer) The struggles between Kathy and the foreign colonel intensify throughout the story as the characters participate in a series of events that lead to the story's [a] tragic end.[58] avoids story twice in one sentence
 * Done.--Gunt50 (talk) 15:19, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * tighten ''...remake did not feature a love story and instead presented Benson in a troubled relationship between her and [with] her stepson, portrayed by Jaden Smith.[74]
 * Done.--Gunt50 (talk) 15:19, 11 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Tighten ''In 2011, Connelly starred in Ron Howard's comedy The Dilemma, which premiered on January 14 the same year.
 * Done.--Gunt50 (talk) 15:19, 11 August 2011 (UTC)

Hope this helps. If my comments are useful, please consider peer reviewing an article, especially one at Peer review/backlog (which is how I found this article). I do not watch peer reviews, so if you have questions or comments, please contact me on my talk page. Yours, Ruhrfisch <sub style="color:green;">&gt;&lt;&gt; &deg; &deg; 11:52, 11 August 2011 (UTC)
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in all peer reviews, in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)