Wikipedia:Peer review/Jesse Winters/archive1

Jesse Winters
This peer review discussion has been closed. Kindly review this please. I have chopped out lots of the unnecessary stuff, but I think there may be more that needs to be done.

Thanks! Alex (talk) 22:30, 12 September 2011 (UTC)

Finetooth comments: This generally reads well but needs more work to get ready for another try at GA. Here are my suggestions for further improvement.


 * I looked for but did not find a public-domain image of Winters. However, my search was cursory, and there may be one lurking somewhere. If you can find one and add it, that would be good.


 * To the extent possible, I would make the heads more telegraphic, and I'd avoid repeating words like "career" over and over in the heads. Under "Professional career", for example, the first subhead might be "Early years" rather than "Early professional career".

Lead
 * The lead, being a summary of the whole article, should include a brief mention of his life outside baseball. His tire business and his mayorship seems significant enough to mention.


 * The lead should not include important details that are not mentioned in the main text. I think it would be wise to move the direct quotations in the lead into the appropriate places in the main text and then to briefly paraphrase in the lead. Particularly striking are the claims in the lead that he was indifferent to the game and lacked ambition. Nothing in the main text seems to develop these ideas. On the contrary, the next to last section says he retired because of arm troubles.

Early and personal life
 * "For example, he is listed as Jesse Frank Winters" - Delete "for example"? The examples that follow make the point, and "for example" suggests that you know of others in addition to the ones you list. If so, what are they?


 * Did Winters marry? Did he have children? Is it known what other early interests he had outside of baseball? What did he study at the universities? Pre-med? Biology? What degree did he earn, if any?

Major league debut
 * "Prior to the commencement of the regular season, manager McGraw was "banking heavily" on the success of Winters and expected success out of him as a regular on the staff." - Tighten by deleting "and expected success out of him as a regular on the staff"? It seems redundant. Maybe "At the start of the season, manager McGraw was "banking heavily" on the success of Winters as a regular on the pitching staff"?


 * "Winters spent 16 games with the Giants... " - Maybe "Winters played in 16 games with the Giants... ".


 * "At the plate, he collected zero hits in three at-bats." - I'm not sure you need this detail since he was a pitcher with pretty ordinary batting skills, it seems. The sentence jumps out as special because it is a one-sentence orphan paragraph.

1920: Last year with the Giants
 * The "fistfight" link goes to a disambiguation page rather than the intended target.


 * "He would later be described by the The Oklahoma Miner as being temperamental and high-strung." - Tighten by deleting "being".


 * "He also had seven at-bats that season, going hitless." - Maybe not worth mentioning.

Back to the minors
 * "On May 16, due to his performance to that point in the season (he was 1–2 with a 4.60 ERA in seven games through that date)[33], Phillies manager Art Fletcher requested waivers for Winters, which could have potentially ended the pitcher's major league career at that point." - Too complex. I'd break this one into two separate sentences and eliminate the parentheses.


 * "After his final big league appearance, the Phillies sent Winters to the Hartford Senators of the Eastern League, with whom he played until the end of the season." - I'd merge this one-sentence orphan with the paragraph above it.

Post-playing career and death
 * "Following his death, he was interred at Elmwood Memorial Park in Abilene, Texas." - Three suggestions: Remove "following his death" since it could not be otherwise. Move this sentence up into the paragraph above it; one-sentence orphan paragraphs make articles look choppy. Provide a source for the claim.

References
 * Use "and" rather than an ampersand except where the ampersand is part of a formal name that uses the ampersand. I changed one of these in the main text, but I see another one in citation 1.


 * Citation 29 is broken.


 * Citation 9 lacks the author's name, Kyle Peveto, and the publication date.


 * Even when the source uses all caps for a title, Wikipedia uses its own house style. In citation 24, "YANKEE COLONELS SILENT ON STADIUM" should be rendered as "Yankee Colonels Silent on Stadium". Ditto for similar all-caps titles in other citations.


 * Citation 28 needs a page number and the place of publication.

I hope these suggestions prove helpful. If so, please consider commenting on any other article at WP:PR. I don't usually watch the PR archives or make follow-up comments. If my suggestions are unclear, please ping me on my talk page. Finetooth (talk) 19:18, 19 September 2011 (UTC)
 * Please make sure that the existing text includes no copyright violations, plagiarism, or close paraphrasing. For more information on this please see Wikipedia_Signpost/2009-04-13/Dispatches. (This is a general warning given in view of previous problems that have risen over copyvios.)