Wikipedia:Peer review/Jessica Mauboy/archive1

===Jessica Mauboy=== This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because Zappa123 and I have made improvements to the article and hopefully it'll be ready for a GA nomination soon. But first we would really like to know if theres any improvements that need to be made. Thanks, Zappa123 (talk) and Oz   talk  00:56, 11 August 2011 (UTC) :Note: Because of its length, this peer review is not transcluded. It is still open and located at Peer review/Jessica Mauboy/archive1.

Peer review started
I will be going through each section and providing my advice for improvements: it may take a week or so to finish my review.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 21:49, 13 August 2011 (UTC)
 * I'm done.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 03:08, 17 August 2011 (UTC)

Infobox
 * 1) Leave in the line for . Other editors may want to place alt text in there. The contents is optional for GA but compulsory for FA.
 * 2) Caption is a little brief. Try Jessica Mauboy, publicity shot, July 2009
 * 3) 1989 > 1989
 * 4) Darwin, Northern Territory > Darwin, Northern Territory, Australia
 * 5) Sony Music Australia, Ministry of Sound > Sony, Ministry of Sound
 * 6) Consider other associated acts? e.g. any duets/featured artists may qualify.
 * ✅ Oz   talk  22:29, 13 August 2011 (UTC)

shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 22:19, 13 August 2011 (UTC)


 * Note: unless otherwise specified, maintain existing wikilinks and formatting.

Lead shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 00:05, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) Jessica Hilda Mauboy? Is her full name mentioned anywhere in the main text? The Ankeny ref does not support 'Hilda'. —I've added a ref Oz   talk  07:57, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 2) singer-songwriter? Where in the article is there a description of her song writing? I expected it in Musical style, at least, but no show. If she does not write songs then she should be described as a singer not singer-songwriter. Her 2010 APRA Award nomination as 'Breakthrough Songwriter of the Year' supports the Lead but this fact is not mentioned in the article.
 * 3) Last two sentences in ¶1 contain some repetition and are difficult to read. Possible revision > In 2006, Mauboy was the runner-up on the fourth season of Australian Idol, she had auditioned for the talent show in her hometown of Darwin, Northern Territory to pursue a recording career. Mauboy subsequently signed a contract with Sony Music Australia. ✅ Oz   talk  07:57, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 4) her debut live album, The Journey, which debuted at Change one of 'debut' or 'debuted'. ✅ Oz   talk  10:41, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 5) number four > number four Non-breakable space added: other instances within the article may exist. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 6) and certified Gold > and was certified Gold ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 7) on Idol > on Australian Idol Also reformatted. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 8) she briefly became a member of all-girl pop group Young Divas, before resuming her solo career early in 2008. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 9) In 2010, Been Waiting was certified double Platinum by ARIA, for shipments of 140,000 units, Note: if this fact is verified elsewhere (e.g. by ARIA source in the main text) then a ref tab is not needed in the Lead. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 10) "became the second highest-selling Australian album of 2009" Is this fact mentioned elsewhere in the article? Ref tab not needed once its mentioned and verified elsewhere. — This is not mentioned anywhere else in the article Zappa123 (talk) 04:41, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 11) That presents a problem, remember that the Lead is a summary of the rest of the article and any important claims like this should be in the main text with a suitable ref.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 06:03, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 12) At the 2009 ARIA Music Awards, Mauboy earned seven nominations for the album and singles; she won 'Highest Selling Single' for "Running Back". Changed quote marks on award category. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 13) ¶3 Describes "her acting debut" very briefly. No mention that it was a starring role? Main text does not indicate that this is her first acting role. Have there been other roles subsequently? Does Mauboy indicate that she will pursue acting further? —I've mentioned its her "acting debut". Should her upcoming roles in Underbelly and The Sapphires be mentioned in the lead? I thought they could be mentioned after they've been released. Oz   talk  10:41, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 14) The specific roles (unless significant: i.e. awards won/nom, or major/ongoing roles) don't need to be in the Lead but some substantiation that she is an 'actress' (per infobox) in the main text would help (if reliable sources confirm these role(s)) rather than only having a 'once-off' role. e.g. Something like a cameo role in TV series, Underbelly: Razor and a lead role in The Sapphires, are due to be screened in 2011 and 2012, respectively. Suitable formatting and wikilinkage required.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 22:35, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * Just realised theres no source for what year The Sapphires will air. Oz   talk  23:04, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) Rest of that paragraph needs similar fixes to previously given examples. ✅ Oz   talk  10:41, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 2) Last sentence: two major claims which are not supported by the ref. —The first sentence of the two is, but I've removed the second sentence until a reliable source is found stating she's the "highest selling female contestant" from Idol Oz   talk  10:41, 14 August 2011 (UTC)

Early life... More to follow.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 06:46, 14 August 2011 (UTC) Next section to follow.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 06:03, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) Start section with Jessica Hilda Mauboy was born on 4 August 1989 and raised in Per Lead, you need full name reffed. ✅ Oz   talk  07:57, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 2) Allmusic is not italicised, try While there use Allmusic template for the url. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 3) Where known, give the names of significant people in her life, i.e. father, mother, grandmother. ✅ Oz   talk  10:41, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 4) Be wary of WP:Close paraphrasing, even with the source(s) acknowledged. For example: From an early age, Mauboy's grandmother ... first and youngest winner thus far. cf. At the tender age of 14, ... the guitar-playing of her father at the Take 40 bio. Other than re-ordering, the content is very similar.
 * 5) In any case, the sentence starting with "From an early age..." is awkwardly worded and requires further work. Possibly From an early age, Mauboy was involved in the local church choir with her grandmother. Her home was described as the "noisiest house on the block", with her mother often singing, her father playing guitar and the rest of the family displaying their passion for music. The Take 40 ref supports both sentences but only needs a tab at end of second sentence. ✅ Oz   talk  10:41, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 6) Don't hide Tamworth Country Music Festival behind Telstra Country Music Festival. We know Telstra is involved from previous part of sentence. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 7) ABC Online is not italicised. ✅ Oz   talk  07:57, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 8) De-link Sydney as a common term. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 9) "and youngest winner thus far" The Take 40 bio seems to have been written in late 2006 or early 2007, some sort of chronology is needed. If she won in 2004 there's only two or three other winners. —changed it to the "first youngest winner" Oz   talk  10:41, 14 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 10) Still sound awkward. Try first winner ✅ Oz   talk  23:04, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) until auditioning for TV talent show, Australian Idol, in 2006 Context for casual readers (yeah there may be some who don't know about Australian Idol). ✅  Oz   talk  23:04, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * ¶3, oops. The Lead now has her audition in Darwin (my fault) but here I find it was in The Alice. Lead needs re-jig. ✅ Oz   talk  23:04, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) to audition for the show > to compete We already know its an audition for a show. ✅ Oz   talk  23:04, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 2) and she progressed through ✅ Oz   talk  23:04, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 3) Whitney Houston's > Houston's First name already given. ✅ Oz   talk  23:04, 15 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 4) on 28 August 2006 > on 28 August We already know its 2006. ✅ Zappa123 (talk)
 * 5) had long ago expired,? Seems an exaggeration, two years previously she had signed with Sony and they had released a non-charting single. This doesn't seem to be 'long ago'. A better description is required.
 * 6) "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Avoid re-direct. ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 7) top twelve Unbreakable space. ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 8) Throughout the show, > Throughout the series, However, given the negative comment in the next sentence are the judges impressed throughout the series? ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 9) Jelly belly: according to the source [12], Mauboy "appeared stunned" by the comment. This is different from her recollection two-and-a-half years later in ref [13]. ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 10) Following her performance of Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away" in the final eleven week > In the final eleven week, following her rendition of Kelly Clarkson's "Walk Away", ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 11) made comments regarding Mauboy's weight, that if she > commented on Mauboy's weight, that if she ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 12) Following that week, she had never landed in the bottom three again, > Following that week, she never landed in the bottom three again, ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 13) held on 27 November 2006 > held on 27 November Already know its 2006. ✅ Oz   talk  06:23, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

The Journey More to follow.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 12:29, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) On 10 December 2006, two weeks after the fourth season of Australian Idol ended, it was announced that Mauboy had signed a recording contract with Sony Music Australia.[16] > In December 2006, Jessica Mauboy signed a recording contract with Sony Music Australia – two weeks after the fourth season of Australian Idol ended.[16] I like to see the article's name/focus established early in each section. Exact date is not always needed (this may apply to other parts – even those already reviewed).✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 2) Somewhere in ¶1 there should be an indication that this album is her highest charting one, to date.
 * 3) It was also during this time that Mauboy had recorded the song > Mauboy recorded the song ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 4) show which broadcasted on > show which was broadcast on ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 5) Seven months following the release of The Journey, it was announced in September 2007 that Mauboy was > In September 2007, Mauboy joined as ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 6) who had later departed in June 2007 > who had left in June Already know its 2007. ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 7) Somewhere in ¶2: all members of Young Divas are ex-Australian Idol finalists?
 * 8) in Australia on 24 November 2007 > in Australia on 24 November Already know its 2007. ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 9) De-link second ARIA Charts (hidden behind ARIA Singles Chart). ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 10) for a three day trip performing around the country. On the third day of her trip, she performed on Indonesian Idol, > for a three day trip performing around the country, including an appearance on Indonesian Idol, ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 11) on her debut solo album > on her first solo studio album Her debut solo album was Journey. ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 12) On 24 August 2008, it was announced that after a year with the Young Divas, Mauboy had decided to quit > In August, Mauboy announced that after a year with the Young Divas, she had decided to quit ✅ Zappa123 (talk) 13:26, 16 August 2011 (UTC)

Been Waiting More to follow.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 23:37, 16 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) In preparation for the release of her debut solo album, Mauboy re-located from Darwin to Sydney.[28] > In September 2008, Jessica Mauboy re-located from Darwin to Sydney and prepared for the release of her debut studio album, Been Waiting.[28] De-link Darwin (previously linked in main text). I'm not sure about September so check this. – It doesn't mention September so I've changed it to "In late 2008" Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 2) Her debut solo album, Been Waiting, was released in Australia on 22 November 2008.[29] > It was released on 22 November.[29] Given previous sentence we already know its name, its her debut solo album, she's Australian and its 2008. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 3) I see from the album's article that it had six producers: this should be briefly explained in her main article. Furthermore, Mauboy co-wrote some six tracks (as far as I can see) for the album. Since the infobox/Lead has her as a singer-songwriter this needs to be verified in the main text. Inform casual readers what she did write, especially any of her big hits. If describing her style of song writing it can be put in Music style section (which is very thin at the moment). Of course, all of this needs reliable sources well reffed.
 * 4) Debut position, if not peak, is not needed. By now in the article, the ARIA chart is default so it does not need to be mentioned each time unless there is the possibility of confusion. Likewise for certification by ARIA. After shortening these sentences you could merge the two on the album's release date, charting and certification. (Move the album review to end of ¶) ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 5) on 19 September. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 6) on 6 March This is the last example of year already known that I'll point out. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 7) We know its the ARIA singles chart.
 * 8) became the first single from Mauboy to be certified Gold. Whoa! Didn't I just read that "Running Back" was 2× Platinum, that "Burn" was Platinum? Surely they had to pass Gold to get there? Please explain. – lol of course! I've changed the sentence Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 9) With categories for awards I prefer a single quote mark e.g. 'Highest Selling Single' to prevent confusion with any single's title. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 10) After winning only one from seven noms there were media reports about poor acceptance of former Idols by ARIA's voting groups. Mauboy's win was for a non-voting category (just goes on units shipped). The situation should be summarised in this article. – will add later or maybe Zappa could add it Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 11) Her wins at the Deadlys should be mentioned in the main text: especially given the accompanying photo. ✅ Oz   talk  07:48, 17 August 2011 (UTC)

Get 'Em Girls More to follow.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 00:15, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) In January 2010, Jessica Mauboy had a ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 2) Bran Nue Dae was released in Australia on 14 January 2010. On 19 January 2010, Universal Music Publishing Group announced that Mauboy signed to Universal Music > Five days after Bran Nue Dae was issued, Mauboy signed to Universal Music Only one of Universal Music or Universal Music Publishing Group is needed here. Other bits are already mentioned or implicit. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 3) of the Olympics > of the Youth Olympics To avoid confusion with The Olympics. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 4) She had travelled to the United States ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 5) De-link LA & NY: common terms. Leave Atlanta wikilinked. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 6) The number of producers on this album is awesome: some 19 of them by my count. – do you want me to mention that it was 19 producers? Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 7) Don't name all 19 (they are in the album's article), but yes the fact that there are 19 of them is significant: especially if you can explain why she chose so many.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 00:21, 18 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 8) of whom Mauboy had never previously worked with before. Awkwardly worded. Try most of whom she had not worked with previously. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 9) Once again did Mauboy co-write any of the hits? – I've mentioned she co-wrote three Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 10) The album debuted at number six on the ARIA Albums Chart and certified Gold by the Australian Recording Industry Association (ARIA), for shipments of 35,000 units.[58] > The album debuted at number six and was certified Gold.[58] Other information is implicit: other similar fixes will not be pointed out. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 11) While here, Mauboy's appearance at the 2010 ARIA Awards ceremony and her "de-butted" phrasing when handing out awards received considerable media attention: it should be in this article. ✅ Oz   talk  07:48, 17 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 12) In June 2011, it was made known that Mauboy has been cast in a lead role > As from June 2011, Mauboy has been cast in a lead role If ref [63] verifies all of the whole ¶ then its only needed at the end of the last sentence. ✅ Oz   talk  01:17, 17 August 2011 (UTC)

Musical style / Other ventures
 * 1) Both of these are very thin, they should be expanded or incorporated into the existing sections.
 * 2) Musical style should include reviews / comments by professional critics and by other performance artists.
 * 3) Give further details about any cited influences.
 * 4) Mauboy gives some explanation of her recording/writing process in the Tsekouras ref. This can be used to expand this section, however more commentary/discussion of her processes from other sources would be even better: what do the likes of Snoop Dogg, Chuck Harmony and Harvey Mason Jr say about working with Mauboy?
 * 5) Piano playing: should mention which tracks (especially if hits).
 * 6) Wikilink sangria red.
 * 7) Two dollars from the sale of the designer collection shades were donated Whoa! Only two dollars from selling all that nail polish. Nah, you probably mean Two dollars from the sale of each of the nail polish bottles was donated
 * 8) it was made known that
 * 9) to create a collection of party dresses.[72] The collection will be available in Myer stores and premium boutiques.[72] > to create a collection of party dresses, available at premium boutiques.[72]
 * I've expanded the 'Musical style' section. Could you please take a look at it and tell me what you think? Oz   talk  07:48, 17 August 2011 (UTC)

Filmography
 * 1) Its much better but check your expression & formatting:
 * 2) "She can also play the piano". This needs further clarification/exemplification otherwise it sticks out.
 * 3) Mauboy has artiscally been involved with her albums, including the writing process. Besides the spelling, one expects a recording performer to be artistically involved in their work: this is what they do. Perhaps you mean something like Aside from her vocals and piano work, Mauboy has also co-written some of her material. You may have to meld it with the next sentence.
 * 4) For a long quote (4 lines or more, or one spanning two or more paragraphs in the original) consider block quote formatting. — I've added block quotes Zappa123 (talk) 04:40, 18 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 5) Sound samples are to be 10% or 30s: whichever is less, see MoS Music samples. The song is 226 s, sample is either 25 s or 46 s (according to its Non-free use rationale). If the latter it is way too long, if the other a reviewer might still want it shortened.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 00:21, 18 August 2011 (UTC)
 * 1) Underbelly: Razor scheduled for broadcast on 21 August.ninemsn, smh or the age Hence it can be mentioned in main text.

References
 * 1) Wikilinks for repeated usage should be de-linked after first time in Refs sectn. e.g. Take 40 Australia, while there fix Take40 and be consistent with publisher. e.g. MCM Entertainment, Pty Ltd.
 * 2) For Australian Recording Industry Association refs give acronym after it (ARIA) each time.
 * 3) For Hung Medien, whilst ARIA supplies the information it is not the publisher, the work is Australian Charts Portal. Unless there's a pressing need, all of Mauboy's singles and albums can be handled by a sole Hung Medien ref i.e. Discography Jessica Mauboy, which includes singles featuring other artists. For the Young Divas use Discography Young Divas.
 * 4) Check that each ref has work/publisher filled-in where available, e.g. Allmusic is published by Rovi Corporation.
 * 5) YouTube refs: are these officially released music videos? Unless officially issued, re-viewers may not accept YouTube as a reliable source.
 * 6) News.com.au is not italicised.
 * 7) Wikilink first News Limited (News Corporation).
 * 8) Herald and Weekly Times (News Corporation). Keep wikilink on former, no link on latter if previously linked.
 * 9) Sputnickmusic not italics, publisher is Jeremy Ferwerda.
 * 10) in album-notes ref don't link artist (we're already here).
 * 11) De-redlink Rave Magazine (Australia).
 * 12) For Q News ref >
 * 13) femail.com.au not italics.
 * 14) publisher for Bloom ref is Bloom Cosmetics (Natalie Bloom)
 * 15) for Australian Broadcasting Corporation ref add acronym (ABC) after each publisher appearance.
 * ✅ Oz   talk  07:48, 17 August 2011 (UTC)

Done–I've done my review: hope you have success in future.shaidar cuebiyar (talk) 03:07, 17 August 2011 (UTC)