Wikipedia:Peer review/Jill Valentine/archive1

Jill Valentine
I've listed this article for peer review because I'd like to nominate it for FAC eventually, but would like some feedback on improving it first. If you review this nomination I will happily review any PR, GAN or FAC of your choice in return.

Thanks, Freikorp (talk) 17:12, 6 May 2017 (UTC)


 * Comments by Cognissonance

Lead
 * "the shadowy company Umbrella Corporation" is a case of informality. "Shadowy", when Googled, does not mean "clandestine". "Company" is made redundant when we understand that Umbrella is a Corporation.
 * There needs to be a paragraph about Jill's design and video game portrayal, as the only one mentioned is the film series' Sienna Guillory. Mention Julia Voth as integral to her design.
 * "having been described as "a classic example" of a female horror game character, and featuring on numerous top character lists" – Since the first point continues from "having been" to "described", the second point should continue from "having been" to "featured" instead of "featuring".
 * Follow the praise with criticism that has been made about the character.

Appearances (In video games)
 * "a member of the Umbrella Corporation's paramilitary force who was betrayed by their employer" – Was it Oliveira or the paramilitary force that was betrayed? If the former, replace "their" with "his". If the latter, replace "who" with "that".
 * "Through the game" – "Through" is not as clear as "Throughout" in establishing a continuation in time.
 * "now-dead Raccoon City" – Instead of "now-dead", perhaps clarify with "epidemic" (adjective).
 * "to dispose of the remaining STARS members" – Drop the "the". It's cleaner.
 * "zombiefying T-virus" could do well without the "zombiefying"...
 * "Jill becomes the founding member of the Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance" – As I understand it, she was not the only founder.
 * Instead of starting with the events of Resident Evil 5 and then recounting the DLC events, it might be best to tell the story chronologically (Lost in Nightmares, Desperate Escape and then Resident Evil 5).
 * "following a transmission from a luxury cruise ship Queen Zenobia" – Flow: "following a transmission from the luxury cruise ship Queen Zenobia".
 * "Chris and his new partner Jessica make their way to the ship to find Jill and some answers" – The "and some answers" is not necessary when the following sentence explains the outcome.
 * The entire paragraph about Resident Evil: Revelations needs to be sourced (cite video game, etc).

Appearances (Design and portrayal)
 * "and her body was scanned into computers to make her look as much like Voth as possible" – Flow: "whose body was scanned into computers to make the character look as much like Voth as possible".
 * The subsection is rife with "X said Y". Mix it up a little.
 * In fact, "Character designer Kenichiro Yoshimura said that he "made Jill's face as much similar as I could to the model actress face." can be simplified with "Character designer Kenichiro Yoshimura made Jill's face as similar to Voth's as possible".
 * "not skinny, more like muscular" – One of many quotes better off converted into prose. Take note of your own volition about which others to convert.
 * "Patricia Ja Lee, who provided the voice and motion capture in The Umbrella Chronicles, Resident Evil 5 and all of its later released downloadable content (DLC), and Resident Evil: The Mercenaries 3D, compared physical part of the auditions for the role to applying to the LAPD." – This is a mess. Needs to be more easily read.
 * "she was given a lot of freedom to reinvent the character" – Improve prose: "she was given considerable freedom to reinvent the character".

Appearances (Gameplay)
 * "(including starting armed with a gun, while Chris begins with only a knife)" – Clarify: "(Jill is armed with a gun at the start, while Chris begins with only a knife".
 * "able to summon monsters" + "if she is summoned" = Avoid repetition.
 * "using Wesker-like teleportation moves" – Improve prose: "using teleportation moves reminiscent of those employed by Albert Wesker".

Other appearances (In film)
 * "Jill returns in a costume based on her Resident Evil 5 suit at the end of the film Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010), where she is under the control of Umbrella Corporation" – Flow: "Jill returns at the end of the film Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010) in a costume based on her Resident Evil 5 suit, under the control of the Umbrella Corporation".
 * Guillory is named with her last name in the first paragraph, but full name in the second one. Continuity problem.
 * "Later, producers Paul W. S. Anderson and Jeremy Bolt decided to have Claire Redfield appear alongside the film's lead, Alice" – If they decided to add Claire to replace Jill, "Later" should be switched with "Instead".
 * "incredibly proud to be a part of this" – What is "this"? Clarify with "[the film series]".

Cultural impact (Acclaim)
 * "When you need a gigantic genetically altered zombie taking down" – Is "taking down" as written? If so, add the [sic]. If not, correct it.
 * "Jill has been often regarded" – Flow: "Jill has often been regarded".
 * "who would you rather?" – Link to Would you rather to clarify.
 * "That same year" is repeated almost ad nauseum. Where it occurs the most, mix it up.

Cultural impact (Criticism)
 * The miniscule size of this subsection will be mentioned in the FAC review. Just a heads up.
 * "Resident Evil 6 producer Yoshiaki Hirabayashi wrote in 2012 they have "heard a lot of love for Jill and Claire recently and people asking if they’ll be in the next Resident Evil." – This does not constitute criticism.

This is what stood out to me. Hope it helps. Cognissonance (talk) 15:09, 19 May 2017 (UTC)
 * Thanks so much. I've addressed the minor points and will address the rest before nominating this for FAC. Freikorp (talk) 12:04, 21 May 2017 (UTC)