Wikipedia:Peer review/Jim Umbricht/archive1

Jim Umbricht
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because… I'm planning to bring this to FAC soon, after an excellent GA review, I think I exhausted all my useful sourcing here, though I'll do a second check tomorrow. Sad story of a baseball player who died way too soon.

Thanks, Secret account 07:49, 1 December 2012 (UTC)

Comments by Sarastro

Lead
 * "He was best known for his year-long battle with malignant melanoma.": Not too sure why this needs a ref, particularly as the ref does not say that this is what he was best known for. I think we are reaching in judging what he was best known for.
 * "he died six months later": later than what?
 * Why are there refs in the lead? Is the information not included in the main body? If not, it should be.

Early career
 * "Umbricht was born in Chicago, Illinois and moved in with his family to Atlanta in 1946": Moved in with his family?
 * Fixed Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * In this section, there are rather too many sentences which begin "He" or "Umbricht".
 * Did some rewording. Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "That year Umbricht pitched for the Bears in 10 games...": No year has been specified by this point.
 * Fixed Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * The end of the section gets a bit too list-y with the stats.
 * I'll see if I could find some interesting, on-topic tidbits to add to the section.

Major League career
 * "He pitched seven innings, giving up five earned runs, including home runs to Johnny Temple, Frank Thomas and Buddy Gilbert, while striking out three.": Perhaps a little too much going on in this sentence.
 * Why such a short section on the Pittsburgh Pirates?
 * I removed the 1960-1961 subsection, as it dealt with the Pirates. Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "Umbricht left the game in position for the win": Although I understand what this means, I'm not sure it is the best phrasing.
 * I'm not sure a date range is the best idea for a title
 * See above, I removed it. Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "The Pirates began strongly in spring training, winning 11 in a row at one point": (I've edited this sentence) My baseball knowledge fails me at this point; do the teams actually compete during spring training? The name suggests training only.
 * Yes they do, I'm not sure how to reword it without adding unneeded redundancy in the sentence, better to follow the link. Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "In a March 17 game": Is there a significance in the date? If not, perhaps remove it.
 * Removed the date.
 * "was impressed with Umbricht's pitching and expected him to become the Pirates' fourth starter by opening day. He won the spot and...": It seems that the same point is being made repeatedly here. Why not cut "and expected him to become the Pirate's fourth starter", and rephrase the rest?
 * "getting charged with the 11–3 loss": What does this mean?
 * Do we need all the dates?
 * Baseball is a sport that is highly dependent on dates, unlike cricket and some other sports, I'll see what dates I could cut. Secret account 00:43, 25 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "Umbricht had terrible control": POV?
 * "After giving up nine runs in seven innings of work in his first two starts": Hasn't this point just been made? Let the reader do the adding.
 * Cut and reworded Secret account 00:43, 25 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "was scratched with a sore throat": Scratched is jargony.
 * Reworded. Secret account 00:43, 25 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "Umbricht pitched five innings, striking out five": Reads like he struck out five innings.
 * Added "five batters" Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "After the game went to extra innings, Umbricht pitched the thirteenth inning. The Pirates won in the later half of the inning, earning Umbricht his first career win.": Ref?
 * Sourced Secret account 00:43, 25 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "After the game went to extra innings, Umbricht pitched the thirteenth inning": Is there a way to rephrase this without repeating "inning(s)"? Sarastro1 (talk) 21:53, 7 December 2012 (UTC)
 * Hard without going into confusing baseball terminology. Secret account 00:43, 25 December 2012 (UTC)

Cancer and early death
 * "A lifelong clean-cut bachelor, Umbricht had developed a reputation as a cheerful person who only cared about others' well-being.": While doubtless true, I'm not sure this information fits in at this point.
 * "As a result...": And, following from the above comment, I'd cut this.
 * "and began to be as a surgical procedure not long before Umbricht's surgery": Typo here? Missing word after "began to be"
 * Added Used

Aftermath and legacy
 * "In 1965, the Houston Colt .45s became known as the Houston Astros.": I'm not really seeing the relevance here.
 * Removed Secret account 05:09, 11 December 2012 (UTC)
 * "Journalists criticizing the retirement of numbers sometimes use Umbricht as an example of someone whose number was retired but who is unfamiliar to baseball fans.": Use it how? For what purpose? This is not quite clear.

General
 * I have copy-edited the article, but please check I have not made a mess of anything. As ever, feel free to revert anything you do not like, or that does not work.
 * I have not performed any spot-checks
 * I do not watch peer reviews, so please raise any issues or questions on my talk page. Sarastro1 (talk) 22:12, 7 December 2012 (UTC)