Wikipedia:Peer review/Joe Borden/archive1

Joe Borden
This peer review discussion has been closed. I've listed this article for peer review because, while short, it is comprehensive and I would like to take to GA status. Issues I seem to run into in the past are prose and flow.

Thanks,  Neonblak talk  -  22:32, 16 July 2010 (UTC)

Note to nominator: Due to a shortage of reviewers, peer reviews are being delayed for up to two weeks. It will help to speed things up if you can find time to review one article from the backlog list, which appears on the WP:PR page. Thanks. Brianboulton (talk) 16:48, 20 July 2010 (UTC)

Brianboulron comments: I don't know much about baseball, so my comments will tend to be on general prose issues, MOS and nitpicks. I hope these comments are helpful. I am unable to watch my peer reviews at the moment, so if you want to raise any queries, please ping my talkpage. Brianboulton (talk) 21:47, 27 July 2010 (UTC)
 * Lead
 * "During his short, seven-game stint with the team, he posted a 2–4 Win–loss record, along with two shutouts." Why the capital W? And, showing my baseball ignorance, how does 2 wins, 4 losses and two shutouts equal seven games? Also, why is detailed information given for his first season, but not for his much busier second season?
 * First paragraph: successive sentence begin with "During..." Try to vary.
 * Second paragraph first line: as it's a new paragraph. "he signed" should be "Borden signed"
 * "a three contract"? Presumably, word missing: "a three year contract"
 * "were known as" → "had been known as"
 * He is credited..." → "Borden is credited"
 * "to avoid having his father know" → "to avoid his father knowing..."
 * Career: the first sentence has far too many commas, and is ungrammatical anyway. More to the point, this preamble doesn't add anything to what we've just read in the lead, and needs to be developed. For example, if his family was "prominent", then it should be possible to say in what field they were well known - business, politics, etc. That might illuminate why Borden wanted to kep his professional baseball career quiet.
 * 1875 season
 * First sentence too long, needs subdividion
 * "His first appeared..."?
 * "Borden lost his next three starts..." Surely you mean his team lost their next three starts?
 * 1876 season: I'm pretty confused by the baseball talk, none of which I can follow without using several links per sentence. This suggests that the prose may be pitched at sports magazine rather than encyclopedia level. I will, however, draw your attntion to a few prose oddities:-
 * "...some historians claim that this was, in fact, the first no-hitter thrown in the NL, thus becoming the first Major League no-hitter." Very clumsy. The words "in fact" are unnecessary; the end of the sentence could be simplified: "...thus the first in Major League baseball".
 * "Bases on balls were not official counted as hits until 1887, however the rule was reverted following that season." Presumably should be "officially"; the comma after 1887 should be a semicolon.
 * "This hypothesis is not without dispute however" What "hypothesis" are we talking about here?
 * Further cases of redundant "in facts"
 * Post-baseball career
 * I don't want to dwell on the point, but it seems odd that, if he came from a prominent family as previously stated, he was forced to earn his living by stitching baseballs. Had his family disowned him? Seems there might be an untold story somewhere.
 * "Officially he died..." I think this should be "Official records show that he died..."
 * General: No doubt you have looked, but I'm surprised that there seems to be so little information on record about Borden, other than that directly related to his baseball career. Nothing about his family life, schooling, whether he married, etc. Have all possible sources been exhausted?
 * Thanks for the detailed review, its a big help because prose, flow, and proof reading my own articles are not at the top of my skill set. Neonblak talk  -  17:10, 28 July 2010 (UTC)